"This is the most peculiar tea party I've ever been to", said Alice.

Something occurred to me, the other night. I won't share the events surrounding this revelation, because quite honestly it's less than flattering, albeit somewhat appropriate.

I never quite understood why people want to be like anyone else. Then again I've always been odd, so what do I know? Conformity is a common, and hated habit which oozes out of me obnoxiously, when I'm uncomfortable (read: "in almost any social situation"), .  I often myself picking up the mannerisms of people I spend time with. I'm sure it's very irritating for anyone who notices. It's something that I can't help sometimes I pick up the traits of other people who seem comfortable and relaxed because they seem like the accepted norm of human social behavior and the Lord knows its probably a safer bet than anything I'm going to come up with on my own in regards to the way normal people act.

Anyone with the unfortunate luck of having me on Facebook, knows that lately I've been questioning a lot of things, that I once believed to be true. Mainly Love and Happiness, and Friendship, Loyalty. Now i dont know what to think of any of those things. Im questioning everything. Oddly enough I have never questioned my own faith or beliefs. That is a comforting thing to me. I know that a lot of people struggle with the issues of faith and believing. I'm very fortunate to see my faith, in many aspects of my life. Silver linings and all that.

Something that I believe most of us are guilty of is a little self loathing. 
A little insecurity has caused me to try to be what I thought everyone else wanted, to pretend to be a little different than myself and a little more similar to the people around me. I always looked at this as a small defeat really. I should be brave enough to be myself and accept that people will choose to take or leave me. But I'm not a healthy normal person. I just play one in real life.

I don't know if I was simply completely fed up and tired of being abused, or trying to sabotage myself in some terribly romantic way, in the hopes that I get a book deal out of the whole story, but when I met Abed, I just put it out on the table. I told him that I was insecure. and that sometimes I get jealous, and things upset me and sometimes I can be over sensitive. That I am in no way perfect and I was never going to try to be. 
I hope that everyone in the world gets the opportunity to be accepted in the way I have, completely. flaws and all. and gets to experience being looked at as though they mean the whole world to someone they care about.
All the time Abed was in my life, happens to be the only time I've felt right. I've second guessed myself at every single turn, until that moment that we made a connection. Such an arbitrary event. Something left behind at a bar. A friend returning it, and showing up to support me, when the people I counted on, could not be bothered, because I (with two jobs) refused to pay for them (jobless) to drink all night. It hit me like a ton of bricks. and we could both tell that something had changed. So could his best friend, I think. He was serving as a uncomfortable faithful Wing-man. Still considered one of our closest friends
I didn't know what that felt like. Abed (far more like his Community alter ego than he thinks he is) gave me something I had never been able to find in my whole life. Comfort. Acceptance. Love is  having one single other person in the whole world to spend your life with, as comfortable as if you were alone in every room. And for me happiness is being just as happy in any room alone, as you would if the people you previously depended on for your happiness were there.