Baby

Everyone self medicates.
If you've had a bad day, and you grab your favorite greasy fast food.
I love a JBC meal from Wendy's with a Large full sugar root beer, with Chili Cheese Fries. There is something very satisfying about eating something extra delicious and extra bad for you.
Who hasn't come home from a particularly disheartening shift at work and rush to a joint, a tall, neat whiskey, or a large glass of red wine.
Tons of women, and men, act like bitchy little children, at some (admittedly humiliating) moment in their life. Almost everyone has drawn on the differences of another person, and made cruel fun of them, to compensate for their own insecurities and hang ups, at the expense of another person.
That's not even to mention all the cocaine and hardcore street drugs drifting around most communities these days.
I do have to say, I believe that hard drugs would be an exponentially smaller an issue if marijuana was legalized and our Canadian Criminal Code, and Justice Systems were reformed to reflect that of a working, productive society. Nevertheless, The situation is what it is.
People still smoke cigarettes. This used to absolutely confound me, although I know understand it for what it is. The only single loophole for which service staff  are able to walk away from a service job shift for 10 minutes and breath.
I now at least appreciate how people could smoke.
I was recently told that France has way more Smokers than The U.S, but on average the people there are much healthier. They attribute the difference to Diet. With rampant obesity on the rise, it's not news that food is a drug to a lot of us, and abused actively and aggressively.
My name is April. and I'm addicted to food.
Alcohol kills foolish amounts of people between impaired drivers and personal alcohol abuse.
Even worse than that is how many legally obtained Prescription Drugs are abused by either their intended, or an unintended user, every single day in Canada.
How many people standing at that Methadone Clinic, you look down your nose at, as you drive to work, are in line because at , they got they hurt, and saw a lazy doctor who was too willing to write a prescription to a hard working good person.
Everyone has pain that they are dealing with. or not dealing with.
This bears repeating.
Every single person has known pain.
If you were bullied, or had less than perfect parents. If you had a toxic, dishonest, self destructive relationship, that left you very insecure. If you struggle with Depression, Anxiety, Loss, Fear or Pain of any kind, it is very unfortunate that you went through that.
Getting through pain, is not an easy thing to do.
You, however, are not special.
Everyone goes through struggles, it's on you to work through it and get over it, or let it ruin your life.
Why does self destruction feel so good?
Why do we all do it.
Everyone gets to make the choices in their life, whether they are good choices that improve it, or bad choices that make their lives unnecessarily difficult.
Who could blame anyone for wanting a break from that to feel good about ourselves?
We all find ways to feel good. Especially when we don't.
So who, but the utterly arrogant, who would assume that it is their business to judge another person for the way they find, to feel good?
It's said that People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
I just Don't think you should ever under estimate the force of the wind you're throwing them into.

What Really Matters

When my grandfather passed away I had lived through my first semester of University. 3 hours away from where I had grown up as a very sheltered, admittedly ignorant of life experience or maturity.
He was a lot of different things. he'd lived a lot of different versions of himself. Before I was born he had a problem with alcohol. when my father was a child, alcoholism was legitimately a life choice, where I'm from.
After a long time of being very unhappy, and abusing himself with alcohol, he realized how unhappy he made my grand mother and their two children, he stopped all that. Turned over a new leaf and became an entirely different version of himself. A man that I grew up with, who made jokes, and liked cartoons. Who always had candy, and some time for being silly with a child.
When I was a teenage my grand father got cancer. Sadly, there is nothing unique in that sentence. Hundreds of people, lose their loved ones to Cancer every day. It is soul crushing, to continue on filling the space in your heart left by a human being, with a handful of memories. memory is truly bittersweet in that it is always telling us that we can never go backwards.
I an a very fortunate person. My grand father went through radiation treatments. He got very very sick, and then he got better. He came home. He drove me home every single time i went for a run, stopped into his home for a glass of water, and didn't want to run home. The day he left my hometown, to come to the city, for his treatments, My Grand father smoked his last cigarette. He said, "Well that's it", and threw half a pack, into the garbage can. To this day, my grand mother swears that he never touched one again
But in 2008, after my first semester away from home, separated from my family, figuring out what was important to me, my grand father got very sick. he was gone within 72 hours. A few years before, he had undergone a hernia operation. Complications had caused him to quietly, painlessly and quickly, slip away from us.
When my grand mother brought home his clothing from the hospital, she emptied his pockets. for some reason, I took the money left there. some change, nothing bigger than a quarter.
I brought it home and put it in a black silk bag.
I never understood what it meant to me. I often wondered if it meant I was a material person. Was I a bad person, because I couldn't find any significance in anything other than money and stuff?
Today I understand what it means to me. As I clean my house on a rainy Sunday, I find my little black silk bag, behind a photograph of my younger brother. My Grandfather, My dad and my brother all share a lot of common features. so it seemed appropriate to keep family together.
Today I know why I kept the money. Not for the value, but for the symbol. The most valuable thing my grandfather has given me, is humility, awareness, and a willingness to start over.
Both literally, and metaphorically, I kept the closest thing I possible could. I kept Change.

Bookmark Added.

I just came upon what I think is a fascinating discovery. In very broad terms, this is what happens in every single fight I've ever had with the opposite sex.

I'm pissed off. and even though I'm an intelligent human being who is fully aware that I'm being insecure and am probably blatantly wrong, I don't want the blame right away.
At the moment, that I am mad, I want to feel like it is not my fault. and that everyone sucks except me. It doesn't matter what the issue is. Shut up, I know that was a yield sign. I already feel stupid. I know my friend will be my friend again in an hour. Right now it will make me feel better to hear someone else confirming that She's wrong and I'm right.

I think I realized that we don't need you to fix it. You want to fix it because in your boy brain, that seems to be the best thing to do. As far as instincts go, I personally think it's endearing to want to save or or fix something. But, in reality, when you do try to fix it, it makes us feel like we can't do it ourselves and some of us don't like that, so we get defensive, but you can't figure out why because you're just trying to help.
In our own languages, we both know whats wrong, we just have different ways of helping each other.

Now if only I understood men, this whole puzzle will be a little easier...

Chris Rock know's what I'm talking about

TV Fans Rejoice!

I think it's really awesome that TV is starting to get good again.
Lots of indie sitcoms and some are really bad but some are really good. Television has some amazing writers and actors right now. Shows like Modern Family, Raising Hope (don't knock it till you give it an honest watch) and Arrested Development are some very very funny sitcoms. I also want to say that I Love Corner Gas. sadly already cancelled. But worth a watch, so If your looking for something to watch check it out. I'm a big fan of TV. More specifically the sitcom, and it's been a really long time since there was another Seinfeld or Cheers.

Breaking Bad
Dexter
Game of Thrones
The Walking Dead

all amazing writing and production values. Some of the best writing I think I've ever seen on TV. If your a big television fan, the extra cable packages are absolutely worth the extra money.
I will confess, however,
I've never understood the value of High Definition programming, until I watched my first afternoon baseball game, at my boyfriend's house, a couple of years ago. I have since, realized the immense value of a pimped entertainment room, and aspire to improve my own quite soon.

Ask Me Anything!

If you have anything that you would like to read about, or any questions. something to personal to ask someone close to you, or something about me that you want to know more about. If you've shared a similar experience or learned a lesson the hard way, share with me. Ask me anything on Ask.fm. The little box is right there on your left. Remain anonymous or make an account and join in the conversation. I set up the account to help people. Negativity never gets a reaction, but the only stupid questions are the ones you never ask. Sometimes a little bit of time (and age) teaches you a lot that you can share to help someone else. So speak up. Help yourself or someone else. I can't fix our passive, crumbling society all by myself :p

Ask.fm: Scary Experience

What has been the scariest experience in your life?

Coming home from England, (the most amazing trip of my life), to find out that they were waiting for me to come back to have tests done for cancer. I had tests done before my trip and they came back with some questionable results over the 2 months I was gone. The worst part of the whole thing was that nobody in my family would tell me about my results. I knew nothing at all until I got off a plane, and my mom told me i had to leave university and go back to Grand Falls-Windsor where a specialist was waiting for me to do biopsies and other invasive, uncomfortable tests. I know that my family didnt want to ruin my trip. They didn't want me to be on another continent and worried about things I couldn't control. But this is something that I still struggle with because I'm the kind of person who would want to know. and they know that, and unfortunately it's something that has affected my trust with several people because.

Lucky I was and still am cancer free, and a lot of people don't get so lucky. But that was easily the scariest experience of my life.

Shopping tips for Cars, Shopping online and buying in St. John's!

I've been distracted. I bought a new car this week. Buying a new car takes a surprising amount of time, and hustling. I'm so street that it wasn't an issue but here are some tips for buying a new car

1. Don't commit to anything.
2. Be honest. Don't try to play games or have a bidding war. thats just stupid
3. When you find a car that you like, Get a print out of your estimate.
4. Do not commit to anything. Tell your salesmen that you have some research to do and you need time to think about it
5. Show your estimate to EVERYONE. I brought mine to my dad, my boyfriend and a friend who's dad is a car salesmen. All people who knew far more about buying new cars than me.
6. Tell your salesmen the truth. For me it went a lot like this. But I'm an actor and over dramatic so it was practically work-shopped first...
"Well i brought my estimate to some people who were more knowledgeable than i am, and they seemed to think it was really high. I have a problem now because I really love this car, but knowing there are more affordable ones out there, that would budget better, puts me in a tough place"

The car started out being 27, 000 paid over 7 years at 2% financing.. I paid 24, 008, over 5 years with 0% financing by the time I drove my new car home. but like I said. I'm a hustler
I also got $500 off the actual car price, and a $500 gas card from North Atlantic/Petrol Canada.

More Shopping tips! Buying online is nothing to be scared of. but no matter where you buy, big or expensive purchases can be very intimidating. Here are some general tips I've learned along the way

1. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IS KNOWING YOU DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING!!!
The internet is an amazingly powerful tool. WHEN BUYING ANYTHING you should research the hell out of it. Use Google, use Ask.com, and any other site that has a search bar!
2. Look for Consumer reviews. Websites like Angie's List and Amazon Canada has a lot of customer reviews. If there is anywhere that passive aggressive hate will be shared. it's usually pretty clear in reviews to pick up on trends.
HOWEVER
One person complaining or giving something a bad rating doesn't mean its bad. It means that person wasn't satisfied. If you've ever worked customer service in your life you know what idiots leave a store, and go home to rant like a big man, on the internet. If you see a lot of people complaining about an issue, it may be a problem.

3. Compare brands and read labels. DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
Marketing is designed to be deceiving in some cases, for companies to remain competitive, and salespeople are paid via commission. they are working for you, so don't let them bully you. Be direct and don't be rushed into buying anything. It's their job to get you excited about your product so you cant say no. It's your job to get them excited about the sale, so they can't say no. Their time is an investment they have to make. This is coming from a salesperson. I sell life insurance and I do very well. But there are people who do a lot better, by being a lot less honest. I'm happy to take the pay cut and have integrity.

the last thing I have to share is that this salesperson, who sold me my vehicle was very very good. His name is Tom, at Hickman Motors on Kenmount Road on St. John's NL. He put me in a beautiful new Chevy Sonic with all the features I wanted and I left with a great price, for a great term and a very satisfying experience. I also have $100 Chevrolet gift cards available for anyone in the market for a new car, that you plan on buying at Hickman. Great service and amazing customer attention. I'm easy to contact, but I think I only have 3-5 tags for the giftcard!

Ask.fm Share!

Ask.fm says: Don't forget that April is also Sexual Assault Awareness month. One in three women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime (terrifying, isn't it?). I think that awareness needs to be better promoted and that people learn to stop victim blame. Some of us die inside when we see it in the media.

Amazing share! I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't realize that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, but it's very clearly an issue that deserves our attention. Thank you for taking the time to contribute :) <3

Ask.fm/hundredthousand

Question: How do you handle stress and anxiety?


well the short answer to that would be "not very well"
I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. Unbeknownst to everyone, including myself up until a few years ago. When things get overwhelming I find it best to be in a quiet place. I don't like for anyone to make physical contact with me at all so that's completely out of the question.I focus on my breathing and slowing it down as much as possible, as that is usually 90% of the problem.

First and foremost, the best thing you can ever do is talk to your doctor. or any doctor. I cannot tell you how important this is. If your having trouble sleeping, eating, or keeping focus, Stress and anxiety may be a more serious problem then you realize. Ever have a ear ache, but you ignore it instead of going to your doctor? It doesn't go away. It gets so much worse right? So you have a brain ache. TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR
Talk to your loved ones.They can probably tell that something is going on with you, and are probably worried because you're not yourself. The absolutely last thing, and the worst thing you can ever do is keep it to yourself. It will never get any better by doing that. Doing things that you know will make your loved ones worry about you is just about the most heartless, inhumane thing you could do to a person. The people that choose to be in your life are there for a reason. they care about you. they are not there to play the head squire in your quest for attention.. (Blatant steal from Nick and Norah)

The most important thing you can do is love yourself. and respect yourself. and always make sure your choices make you happy and healthy.

Family

The reason that I have 2 brothers is entirely too complicated. Well one just came from the regular way. that shouldn't be too difficult to get your head around. He's 3 years younger than I am and he's awesome. It has to be related to DNA or something.
It doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but my family are very warm, community oriented people. They don't value things, but people. and the value they add to your life, for having them there. If it isn't already obvious, I was raised by hardworking but idealistic hippies. I'm so grateful for that, you really have no idea.
When I was 10, New neighbors moved in next door. An adorable young couple, expecting their first baby in 7 or 8 months. (a fetus that would become one of the two loves of my life).
He made friends with my dad. Doing dad things, fishing, going to the cabin, and the like. I would go over and hang out with her. Help her with the baby. He was beautiful. right from the first moment everyone saw him.
She and my mom got along but were not really on the same level. She was a little younger than my mom. A passionate and lovely native Woman. My mother being a fearless, strong Newfoundland woman, I think she was just a little too emotional or dramatic for my mother to really relate to her. But they were both so sweet and lovely that they always remained friends.
So after years of this family friendship. The kids growing, New Years spent watching fireworks, Bbq's in the back yard. Funny memories made that are still shared today, my phone rings at 9 am. The young dad was suddenly faced with his time to leave this world. By that time, I had come to realize that the young boy who grew up in my back yard, relied on me for a lot of things. I found myself so proud of the young man he was growing into. Smart, and Careful. Quickly becoming an inspiration for a whole group of people, and giving them a voice. He was a member of my family and I had a hand in the values that he had, and how he viewed himself. So when people are who he is, this beautiful, tall native boy, standing next to pale kid me, I tell them he is my little brother. Sometimes I'll feature pieces by him. He's a fantastic, opinionated writer and he stirs the pot quite nicely. My family and friends are everything to me. If you disrespect them, we probably wont have much interaction. the most important people in that group are my brothers.

Papa Don't Preach

My dad and I are too much alike, to ever get along properly, like normal human beings. My dad is an old hippe. I'm a reborn hippie. So we always connect on things like music and (sure I'll say it) my deep affection for Mary Jane.
In a lot of ways we are kindred spirits, with the same hopes for the world. except everything he says (through no personal fault of his own), comes through a slightly homophobic, uneducated filter, that you can only really blame on his era in time. the way he grew up and the time he grew up in
but naturally, him being overly conservative and me being overly liberal and supportive of any and every alternative form of a happy lifestyle, causes us to butt heads a lot.
While he is a free thinking person, who believe in the power of love and music, he is very set in his ways. He is from a time when homophobia and racist jokes were not taboo. Born and raised in a community that profits on control and influence regularly, Social pressure is a vicious thing to answer too in a small community.
The things I realize these days is that I'm just like my dad. Insecure, threatened, and I believe, for my own part anyway, damaged by small town mentality, and plain ignorance, manipulating a fragile soul.
My hometown is a beautiful place that has the unfortunate luck of being run filled with very unhappy, insecure people. So threatened by everyone around them, and secretive of their lives. Nobody wants anyone to know anything about them, but that is not necessarily wrong because everyone is in each others business, in as judgmental of a way as they can possible manage. I get it. I do. It just seems so very sad. That is why people like we do the 18 years they were sentenced and get the fuck out of dodge at our earliest convenience It's a shame really. the potential that location could have were it to shed its ignorance and insecurity and attempt to move forward with the rest of humanity.

Formspring Question #8

Formspring asked:
Has your behaviour with the opposite sex led to situations which make you anxious?

No. but the behaviour of certain people (of both sexes) has certainly done its part to make me an anxious person. Lies, Deceit, and Mistreat all leave permanent scars on people. even if you cant see them. When you leave any kind of a scar on someone they never forget you. but not in a good way. The better someone gets to know you, the better they see you. It's up to you what kind of person you want to be. Nobody can hide who they really are for very long.