Baby

Everyone self medicates.
If you've had a bad day, and you grab your favorite greasy fast food.
I love a JBC meal from Wendy's with a Large full sugar root beer, with Chili Cheese Fries. There is something very satisfying about eating something extra delicious and extra bad for you.
Who hasn't come home from a particularly disheartening shift at work and rush to a joint, a tall, neat whiskey, or a large glass of red wine.
Tons of women, and men, act like bitchy little children, at some (admittedly humiliating) moment in their life. Almost everyone has drawn on the differences of another person, and made cruel fun of them, to compensate for their own insecurities and hang ups, at the expense of another person.
That's not even to mention all the cocaine and hardcore street drugs drifting around most communities these days.
I do have to say, I believe that hard drugs would be an exponentially smaller an issue if marijuana was legalized and our Canadian Criminal Code, and Justice Systems were reformed to reflect that of a working, productive society. Nevertheless, The situation is what it is.
People still smoke cigarettes. This used to absolutely confound me, although I know understand it for what it is. The only single loophole for which service staff  are able to walk away from a service job shift for 10 minutes and breath.
I now at least appreciate how people could smoke.
I was recently told that France has way more Smokers than The U.S, but on average the people there are much healthier. They attribute the difference to Diet. With rampant obesity on the rise, it's not news that food is a drug to a lot of us, and abused actively and aggressively.
My name is April. and I'm addicted to food.
Alcohol kills foolish amounts of people between impaired drivers and personal alcohol abuse.
Even worse than that is how many legally obtained Prescription Drugs are abused by either their intended, or an unintended user, every single day in Canada.
How many people standing at that Methadone Clinic, you look down your nose at, as you drive to work, are in line because at , they got they hurt, and saw a lazy doctor who was too willing to write a prescription to a hard working good person.
Everyone has pain that they are dealing with. or not dealing with.
This bears repeating.
Every single person has known pain.
If you were bullied, or had less than perfect parents. If you had a toxic, dishonest, self destructive relationship, that left you very insecure. If you struggle with Depression, Anxiety, Loss, Fear or Pain of any kind, it is very unfortunate that you went through that.
Getting through pain, is not an easy thing to do.
You, however, are not special.
Everyone goes through struggles, it's on you to work through it and get over it, or let it ruin your life.
Why does self destruction feel so good?
Why do we all do it.
Everyone gets to make the choices in their life, whether they are good choices that improve it, or bad choices that make their lives unnecessarily difficult.
Who could blame anyone for wanting a break from that to feel good about ourselves?
We all find ways to feel good. Especially when we don't.
So who, but the utterly arrogant, who would assume that it is their business to judge another person for the way they find, to feel good?
It's said that People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
I just Don't think you should ever under estimate the force of the wind you're throwing them into.

Less Time Online. More Time in Real Life.

I've been away from this for a little bit of time. I'd like to say that I missed it but I've hardly even noticed that I wasn't writing. I've been wondering why I started this, in the first place. What need it was meeting for me to bother to do it. I don't enjoy social media.

I really dislike Facebook, and keep Twitter for local news and support for local business and networking. I don't use any other social media. I don't use Instagram, SnapChat, Pintrest, or even Facebook Messenger. I'm sure there are far more social media outlets that are very popular, I just can't think of any off the top of my head. The Internet is now a very overwhelming place to exist.

So why do I need this pathetic little place to voice my opinions, where (between few and zero) people can read them and understand me? I'm still at a loss for why if anyone reads any of the things I say, despite views and exposure referenced in my "Blogger Insights", but it's protected risk taking. 

Like calling some guy out, from behind your large, violent friend, I may as well be shouting from inside a panic room, in space.

To argue on the internet seems to be such a tiny victory for one's self esteem, or shots taken at an already fragile ego. 

Many would have to agree that the ability to feel good about yourself, and confidently live your life on your own terms is important thing for everyone to have, however getting behind a computer screen, with a spell check, and the whole internet to make you look like an expert, we all get too brave.

A lot of people hold such specific and rigid views and ideals (NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!) that their emotions are tied very closely to things they care about. When things we care about are threatened, we all go into fight or flight mode.

The internet strips debate down to its BORING bare bones.

All you have are words and punctuation. 

Despite all the feelings you put into what you say, The thoughts and metaphors and carefully chosen words and language, internet lacks the ability to display voice, eye contact, gestures, tone of the voice, speaking the words your reading on a computer screen. It's just data. without all the tools of language, you may as well be reading and processing binary code.

What is even worse than our choices for a method of debate, is the fact that despite the intention of someone communicating all of that to us, we fail to read it as the person we are talking to. 

We read it in our own offended, sometimes too defensive voice. When we're arguing with another faceless humanoid, that we  have no emotional connection to, our responsibilities to think before we speak, and show have respect for one another are gone because this relationship is fleeting. its not a person you have any investment in, or something that is in our life. 

Arguing with the people in our lives is more difficult. what if they leave? What if you hurt their feelings, and cant take it back? what if you change this relationship, forever? we do a lot more thinking before we speak, when we care about the words we use.

If we all got off the internet and resumed living in real life, we would see the world a lot differently and our interactions with each other would be much more positive and productive. 

I feel like our society being so vain, and insecure has a lot to do with our new antisocial internet lifestyle. I can't decide which one I think is the metaphorical Chicken and which one is The Egg. 

I don't know why I continue to contribute to this blog and the lifestyle I'm criticizing. I do know, that I am in no way perfect. Aren't we all really just looking for other people to connect with? I don't believe that people want to fight. I believe people want to be understood. They want to be validated, and secure that their version of happiness isn't being threatened. To find others like us to share a version of happiness with. SO shouldn't we all get off the internet and take a more hands on approach to our happiness?

Speaking Greek

I've failed on the blog front pretty bad. Boyfriend is out of the province and I promised myself I would make use of the time alone to change some things that I want to. I've put a lot of time into work and its really paying off. I've been eating really well, and getting a mild amount of exercise and as a result, I am feeling pretty great too.
I guess I find it easier to writing, when I'm unhappy. Complaining comes more naturally to me I guess.
Not that, that makes me any different, I'm sure it's a general humanity kind of thing.
I'm thinking of trying to learn Greek with Rosetta Stone. I work in a Greek restaurant for Greek people. If that weren't enough of a reason to learn a new language, Boyfriend and I are planning a trip to Greece in the near future. Just seems like something that will make my life easier in the future.

Some New Ask.FM questions!

Asked by Anon at Ask.fm/HundredThousand
Q: See my best friend complains all day and I didn't say anything about it for a couple of years and then today and I told her to stop complaining and be more positive and she got all mad and now she won't talk to me or hangout with me and ugh :(
You should explain to your friend that you never wanted to hurt her feelings. That's probably why you didn't say anything all along. It's difficult to say something when you know it will likely hurt someone. Especially when it's your best friend and her feelings mean a lot to you. I've learned that it's only someone who really cares about you that will tell you the truth, even when you don't want to hear it, and everyone needs to check their attitude from time to time. I'm sure you two will work it out. Just talk to her. She can't stay mad forever.

Orange Leaves, and Hoodie Sleeves

I'm having a lot of trouble writing again. I suppose to don't really have that much to say. I've been working as much as possible and had a lovely, eventful Thanksgiving Weekend. (Canadian Thanksgiving, Obviously)

I've been working as much as possible and I'm finally seeing it pay off. I'm finally starting to get ahead, and the optimism it's given me is like being revived. For a long time I thought it was impossible to advance or get ahead. A lot of set backs had me very discouraged. But I'm getting there and it's a fantastic feeling. Making Headway. I'm starting to think that life is really all about the little things. I see retirement commercials telling me to spend my youth working all day every day so I can be rich when I'm 65 and falling apart. I don't see value in that. I think we should work hard some time and relax, play and enjoy our lives some time. I'd rather have a lifetime of memories when I'm 65. Not disposable income.
To be life is about all the stuff that happens in between. The Bar-B-Q's and Halloween parties and softball games and New Years. Life loses it's luster and excitement when you look at it like it's 75+ years. It's 39 000 000 Moments. The only determining factor is your own potential for happiness, and how you choose to remember all those moments.

This change on outlook has really helped me to keep things in prospective. This was a massive positive change that adds to my happiness and mental health.

Another exciting thing that has happened is that Friends of mine got engaged last weekend. and She asked me to be her maid of honor. I'm kind of a control freak, I really enjoy planning and organizing and designing and being very hands on in endeavors. This will be a challenge for me to not take over. But I'm very excited to do all the M.O.H. duties. I just don't really know what they are yet.

Born Wrong

I very much think that I was born in the wrong body. I was not meant to live in a woman's body. I have no idea about social norms. I can't relate to anyone ever. I now believe that I was supposed to be born a house cat. 

My cat's don't give a shit about anything. They walk on whatever they want. They don't give a fuck if anyone notices them, or is mad at them. They don't care about breaking things or destroying anything. I can't decide if I believe they have the capacity for malicious activity or reactions. But they probably do. and no matter what you can't stay mad at them for more than a couple days. It's impossible. No matter how many mistakes they make.

I think I should have been born as one of these furry, adorable, life ruining monsters. So being a person is very different and difficult for me. I think that rather than figuring out who I am, I'm learning all the kind of people I don't want to be. 

I think I expected this to me a much bigger thought then it ended up being. I do know that as a human being 

I have the day off, a bowl of yummy herb pasta, some video games to play and a little grass to assist the old attention span*. Now I attempt to enjoy some much needed time alone while I get back to my smithing in Whiterun :)

*Mild ADHD, combined with SAD and moderate depression. My head is a broken playground. smoking grass helps better than all the meds I've been prescribed over the years with exponentially less side effects. I'm actually very hopeful that it will be legalized in the next few years. That will make my life, health and prescriptions much much easier to manage.

a tiny amount of growth maybe

Yesterday was a very interesting day for me.
I should back up a little. I recently accepted a role in a community theatre version of August: Osage County. which I am very excited about. It's a very well written play and the director seems to really know her stuff. I'm very optimistic.

So yesterday I get an email that is CC'd to the entire cast. and I notice some names on the list I've worked with before a couple friends and people that I think are really great actors.  One of the names however is one of the most insufferable old bitches I've ever had the unfortunate luck of meeting.
Now a very short time ago, this would have ruined my entire day. Knowing that I'd have to spend a lot of my free time with people who's had a negative impact on my life. but yesterday it didn't seem to bother me so much.

So I go to work and the charming little girl who I mentioned as my Manager (From the Insurance Company, in an earlier post called Day One) For any one who won't bother to check back, I wrote to her trying to set up a meeting to return my things and resign. She wrote me back firing me on the spot, without letting me leave on my own. It was very unfair and hurtful but proved that I didn't want to be the kind of person that likes selling Life Insurance to senior citizens on fixed incomes, Or is really good at it. It takes a shitty person to do business that way. Someone who actually claimed to be dead inside with no conscience. What a gift, to be so self aware, at such a young age.

Anyway the Ice Queen comes to the counter, with her fake insurance sales smile and says
"Hey Missus! Haven't seen you in ages. You're working here now are you??"
I had to walk away to get change for a guy, but was very happy to leave before I burst into laughter The last thing she said to me was that I was fired. via text message. This class act is so simple that she can't even remember a couple of months ago.

I couldn't help but find it funny that she was legitimately pretending nothing happened and was acting as though we were old friends.

"haven't seen you in ages"
of course you haven't seen me? I tried to sit down with you and you fired me. Where would you see me?

Later the same day, I go out to eat at a new restaurant, downtown. One of the few people that I will never ever speak to again, is sitting 4 tables away staring at me, not unlike the slow-witted Goldfish, while I eat, my broccoli. Again, this would have ruined my mood a couple of years ago. But I looked up and said "well...it's just raining bitches today" and we laughed and went about our date.

Now generally a day that is just teeming with unintelligent, hurt filled people would have sent me home to cry in my bed. I've come to realize that throughout my life, females in my life have betrayed me, abused me and disregarded and disrespected me as a person. While I know it's unreasonable like everyone else, I cannot change or help my feelings.

I'm afraid of girls.

This day, however I thought it was so funny. What are the odds of three awful people in one day? I feel like that may be a little progress, however shallow of inconsequential it may be to anyone else. Other people don't affect my happiness anymore. At least they affect it a lot less.

Bully

This needs to be said.
1. Someone who is direct and honest is not a bully. Just grow up.
Someone who says something you do not want to hear, or does the right thing, even if it isn't in your best interest, is not a bully. Nobody has to say anything you want to hear at any time. You can't control what anyone else does in their life, so worry about living your life right. Not who is going to call you on it, if you chose to be an idiot or a jerk. If you are a jerk. Your actions, and words, and malicious behavior will have repercussions, but that isn't someone bullying you. that is someone not letting you bully them. Stop playing the victim. your not.
It's a naive, childish thing to call anyone who opposes you a bully. Most people will realize this when they reach actual adulthood, and stop being a child who just thinks they're all grown up (often doesn't happen until we reach our late 20's, early 30's, and sometimes it doesn't ever happen at all, sadly)
Maybe we all need to be a little more self-aware and take responsibility for our own selfish, delusional, attention starved actions before condemning the person who cares enough to put us in our place.

2. The world is mean. it isn't anyone's job to hold your hand, or make you happy, or be there for you or any of those things. If someone wants to be there, you should cherish them, not burden them with your baggage. It's your job to work out your issues and contribute to society like a normal healthy person so take responsibility for yourself.

3. Actual bullies are worthless. I recently came across a young man on Facebook. He only went to my high school in Grand Falls-Windsor for a short time and I don't even think he would remember me, while he was a friend, of a friend. This past week, this young man, was robbed and beaten within an inch of his life. A friend found him bleeding and luckily got him to medical professionals in time, actually saving his life.
The wounds sustained are horrifying. Troubled vision and movement. constant pain and so much blood loss  that he required a transfusion, upon arriving at the emergency room.
In our small city of St. John's, Newfoundland, I never thought anyone could be capable of such hatred and malicious violence.
The overkill inflicted by this beating shows a shocking amount of anger and aggression that I can't imagine feeling toward another living thing. The fact that a person with so many friends and now a facebook full of hope and kind words, could be the victim of such violence breaks my heart for our society.
Last week, in the United States, an Australian man was visiting his in-laws and was heartlessly gunned down, by 3 teenage boys. For no other reason than a remorseless and terrifying "we were bored"
Nobody should ever have to be concerned about physical violence. Only the slowest, most pathetic people, use violence as a tool, because its the only thing they understand.
They don't understand negotiating, or conversation, or anything that makes the world run properly. Lord knows they can't possibly understand taking the highroad or being the bigger person. I think that these people generally feel inadequate in some area. Maybe something going on at home, or in their relationship. A lot of bullies, are actually bullied. I can honestly say that I have never understood making someone else feel terrible, with the same actions that make you feel awful at the hand of someone else. It just doesn't make sense to me to do something that you know makes you feel like less of a person. I'm going to go out on a bit of a limb and say that they probably don't understand their own feelings. I learned while working with abused and troubled children (I worked directly in the field and received every certification available to me for 2 years) that the most important part of my job was helping people understand their own feelings and actions. Asking most children why they do anything will generally be met with
"...I don't know"

the kid isn't being a jerk. he doesn't know. he's not mature enough yet. he hasn't learned enough to understand feelings or emotional reactions. Whether it's a child in provincial care, or a grown man or woman, I'm confident in saying that they have no idea why they do the thoughtless, immature, and downright stupid things that they do.

It's such a shame that education has taken such a back burner in North America. You can almost watch our younger generations get dumber, fatter and less aware of the world every few months. Recently I watched a television judge state that he would much rather have work outsourced, out of the US, because other countries put more importance on education and qualifying their youth for proper job placement and that he trusts them to handle serious technical issues more so than his own country. Call him a bully if you want to. Say he hates America and condemn him on your precious social media. But he is not wrong.

Show Biz for a Minute

This isn't a usual blog post for me but I think it's important for both sides to be heard.
So by now, everyone has heard that Jim Carrey had some choice words to say about his own work, and the entire production of Kick Ass 2. It seems to me that in the wake of all of the violence in schools and the horrifyingly common shooting situations that have devastated the U.S. this year, Jim Carrey didn't feel right perpetuating violence in the media. That is, at least the way I understand it to be. I could be wrong. If you care enough, just Google it. Now Chloe Grace Mortez* is saying that she doesn't agree with Carrey. In an interview with Britain's The Sun, Moretz says that while she respects Carrey's decision to snub the film, she doesn't agree with the sentiment
*Mortez plays Hit Girl, again in the sequel. She's a great actor, and I think she's probably a great hit girl but some of her habits as an actor bug me. Also her Mask looks goofy.
I find by the end of the movie, I'm sick of looking at her stupid mask. She is an absolutely stunning girl. Downright breathtaking. Grace for days (too much Seinfeld this week. apologies..)
My point is, I could easily believe that it is an attempt for Hit Girl to be taken seriously, and not as some pathetic sexual icon. I completely respect that. I really hope that is why, but you could make her mask look smart and not sexy.
Every super hero should get to look cool. It's why everyone of us would love to be a super hero. She doesn't have to be over exposed but please please let her look cool. It is such a Bad-ass character. and actually pretty well written. I really enjoyed the first movie, minus Nick Cage*. Stop wasting such an awesome character in a distracting costume. Check out the entire interview at The Sun, and see what Mortez had to say about the film and her Co star in the film. It's pretty nice to see some class and intelligence returning to Hollywood.

http://www.itsadansworld.net/2010/09/united-by-style-marvel-takes-dc-to.html

*Nick Cage. who I honestly believe to be in some early stage of dementia. or some kind of life crisis? I don't really know. but I feel as though he's losing his mind.

stand by your man(ipulation)

I don't understand how the concept of avoiding responsibility is anything but disgusting and pathetic. If you don't want to take responsibility for something that you've done, it is obviously because
YOU KNOW ITS A SHITTY THING TO DO,
if your actions are something that you don't want anyone to know you're doing, then why do it?!
I'm not saying we should all be in church or living this amazing morally sound path. humans by our very nature are flawed. We all make mistakes, but taking responsibility for those mistakes is how we learn, grow and progress as a species. Taking any accountability out of the equation causes us to regress and become stagnant. I have such a bleak outlook on my generation, and the ones that follow us.
All the good found in the invention of the magical internet and our global village is sadly far outweighed by the negativity that comes from lacking the moral fiber, intelligence and basic humanity necessary to utilize it in the most efficient way.
I added an app called Honesty Box to my Facebook when I was in University. I thought this was an amazing tool. There were people that I had a lo of respect and admiration for and I liked that I could let people know how awesome they were without it being about me. So if i knew someone in my class was having a bad day, I'l write an anonymous message to show them that someone noticed how hard they worked, or what a good person they were. But all anyone else used it for was to hate on people. I was so disappointed at the mean and hateful messages left for me. Nothing good or positive just people being needlessly rude, or idiot guys trying to be sketchy (I was in a relationship at the time, but they didn't seem to be bothered by that)
years later I added the app again, to try once more as an adult. THIS time the guy I was dating at the time tried using it to bait me. sending me messages about me being hot, and saying how it was too bad I had a boyfriend. Trying to set me up, or catch me doing something that I've never done in my life. Granted, that person had a lot of issues and I still wonder about him today and if he is any happier, but people come into your life, and leave again, for a reason. So I choose to chalk it up to an awful, awful experience that taught me a lot in a very short year.
I guess the point of this rant is to express how bleak our future is if we continue to use anonymity as a tool for negativity, to feed insecurity, instead of building others up or doing good. No actions are justifiable if they hurt someone else, and your not willing to man up and admit responsibility, and It's not really a good deed if your not willing to do it without getting credit.

Get some coffee. This one goes on awhile...

Over the course of the last few days I've realized a lot of things. Most of which was in large part to an article shared on my Facebook called "10 Things You Learn In Your 20's"
I do strongly recommend giving it a look if you are in your mid (to late :/) 20's. This article is a quick read, and holds a lot of truth, to be honest. Through reading this, I started comparing it to my life, and my current frustrations regarding my work/career. So I set out to talk to my friends, my partner, and my mother (The Holy Trinity of advice/calling me on my bullshit).

But I had a preconceived notion in my head that just working in the mall somewhere made me a loser. and granted, if I was beginning at entry level, minimum wage, working in the food court, at my age, Yes, I would have to agree that I'd have screwed the pouch on a lot of major life choices.

But I'm from the TGIF generation. Boy Meet's World, Family Matters, The Fresh Prince, The Simpsons* and later on Sabrina The Teenage Witch and Teen Angel, taught me about morals and values and respect, So I understand that my education is valuable and I have a lot of amazing job experience, and am more than qualified to begin in lower or middle management.

Reading about the 10 things I should have learned, Number 5 really spoke to my recent career stresses and doubts.

"5. People are pretentious about jobs."

and here is the twist! You didn't see this coming I bet.

I realized that nobody in my life was putting that pressure on me.
My mom just wanted me to be happy.
My boyfriend's only advice to me ever is to make sure that I was happy. It's amazing how much it improves your perspective, when you have someone in your life, who is completely devoted to your happiness together. It's a feeling that I will truly never forget. That is love in my opinion. That level of devotion for another human being. Wanting another human being to be happy that badly.

At the end of the day it was my own presumptions and judgments that I was thinking about. Not any of my loved ones. None of my friends would ever judge me for being happy at a job. that's why they're my friends and I love them more than anything. I don't have many close friends but I greatly value the few that I have.

I've decided to leave my high paying Insurance Sales Job, for something less aggressive I have several interviews for management positions for clothing stores and restaurants. Hindsight allows me to realize that I was happiest and really enjoyed going to work, when I was working with people, in the retail industry, so I'm going back to a retail position where I can advance and take pride in the work that I do, while I enjoy doing it. I think you need to measure the amount of money you need to be happy, against how much bullshit you are willing to take at a job. It's just a job. it doesn't define you. It just pays the bills, and the fact is you're going to spend most of your life there, so it may as well be something that you enjoy. I enjoy retail. So the job hunt continues! I'm going to blog the whole job hunt process I think.

Today I have an interview at 3pm for an assistant manager position. there are two openings. I look young, so it's difficult to appear mature, without looking like I'm playing dress up with my mom's clothes, but little things help.
Wearing your hair in a mature style
Wearing lipstick in a conservative shade, not lip gloss.
Go easy on the makeup. it's bad for your skin, and makes you look really insecure and superficial.
Wear comfortable shoes. If you aren't comfortable, you aren't relaxed and performing at the level your capable of (that one goes for all aspects of life, actually.)

This is the one that starts a war

We all went to school with a girl we felt sorry for. A girl who was much too friendly with guys, and thought it was am empowering thing to enjoy confrontational drama with other girls. The girl who relished in being "The Bitch", and didn't care that being promiscuous caused everyone to talk about her negatively.  as long as they were talking about her at all.
It was always a little sad to me that this girl felt she had nothing more valuable to offer.  Dressing in a provocative way, and trying to act the way you think adults act, is the most obvious and childish thing that a young person can do, and it's so obvious because it is in no way, how actual adults behave. it's the way that teens in love with the glamour image of adulthood, THINK adults behave.
Sex is not difficult. Anyone can do it. It doesn't take any education. It isn't something to be proud of. So when I see a girl behaving this way, I don't understand why she can't take pride in her brain, or an ability, or something that requires some effort to be good at.
Some girls have a passion for music, or art. They learn every word, and every song. A lot of them learn to play instruments and make their own music. I believe that any artistic ability is a gift that should be nurtured  Lots of girls Make beautiful art. A dear friend of mine is the most amazing designer. She makes clothing, does interior decorating, and takes stunning photos, of herself and everything else that inspires her. She's not someone who needs to behave negatively, or dress provocatively to get attention. The things in her life that allow her to express herself give her confidence, and security with herself. THAT is something worth bragging about. A healthy version of self worth that nobody else can affect. I can promise you, that when she is alone, she feels just as good about herself as when she's in a room full of people, because her happiness and self worth don't depend on other people. THAT is something hat I envy in a person. That's something that I haven't really figured out yet. Just like a lot of other people.
Soo girls, i have to say this. Stop trying to grow up. When I was younger, these "questionable women" were 16, and it was shocking how young that was. Now girls are trying to mature to the level of a grown woman, at 11 and 12 years old. I beg you to respect yourself. I'm nobody's mother. It's not my place to tell anyone what to do. But all I want is for you girls to realize your value. Find something in your life that you can feel proud of. Everyone deserves pride. We all need it, But don't lower yourself to such a devastating level. It doesn't do anything for you. Well that isn't true. A lot of girls will tell you that making bad decisions and not respecting yourself will make you feel like less of a person at the end of the day. I can't imagine willingly doing that to myself, and the people in my life that care for me. We're all flawed human beings. nobody is perfect, So we all have the task of keeping ourselves in check. Not being perfect is no excuse for not living the best life that you can. You're responsible for your own happiness. Taking responsibility for ourselves is one of the hardest things that we all have to do. But we do.

Confessions of a Drama Queen

Moving is a fate I would not wish on my worst enemy. While I was studying theatre, I moved my entire life to a different town of this province more than 19 times, and one trip back and forth to England. Afterwards I went on to allow poor decisions made about Defunct relationships, to move me  into and out of 3 different houses in St. John's. and Today I had to do I again.
I hate it. It's such a huge endeavor that I can't start anywhere. It makes me sleepy and stressed out just to think about it. It's overwhelming. I spend so much time trying to help people*, but this is one of the few things that is still able to virtually paralyze me. I can't seem to get my head around it at all. Now THAT is adding to my moving stress. Stressing about why I get so stressed about moving. To paraphase one of my most loved television characters of all time. "For I am April. Lord of the Broken People"

*I choose to view life as a road, that we all travel down, at different speeds and times, and sometimes we hit a pothole and it fucked up our car and we learn a difficult lesson. So if we can't manage to warn someone behind us about a pothole, than we are miserable human beings who don't deserve the beautiful planet that we have.

Ask.fm: What's the worst thing someone can do on a first date?

There are three huge things for me.

1. Be respectful to anyone working during your date. A server, or bartender. Don't be a jerk, or do jerk things.

2. talk about himself qll night. If I want to know, I'll ask about me. If your not asking about me, I assume it's because you don't care, and i lose interest quickly.

3. Manners. MANNERS MANNERS MANNERS. Hold doors open. say please and thank you. do not curse or use rude language that could offend me. Not because I believe I'm entitled to special treatment but because I believe the way one interacts with their trusted friends is not how one should behave when making a first impression. And if your smart enough to do so why take a lazy, classless route. If someone respects themselves, they'll probably respect you.

Ask.fm Share!

Ask.fm says: Don't forget that April is also Sexual Assault Awareness month. One in three women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime (terrifying, isn't it?). I think that awareness needs to be better promoted and that people learn to stop victim blame. Some of us die inside when we see it in the media.

Amazing share! I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't realize that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, but it's very clearly an issue that deserves our attention. Thank you for taking the time to contribute :) <3

Photo Share

I just found this on my Facebook and wanted to share it. What a beautiful human being. So few left these days.

knock it off!

I have a problem with people who tell their kids or other kids that they have it easy. You have no idea what that child is going through. You're an adult, and they have to trust you.
By fantasizing a childhood full of hopscotch and chalk drawings in the middle of the street, you're telling that child that they are not strong enough. That what they have going on doesn't matter. You devalue them.  And when their self worth is decreased, the bar they set for themselves is lowered.
They aren't stupid.
Treat them like they are people. People that need your protection and support to grow up healthy and secure, and they just might surprise you. I'm not saying you should let them do what they want. Kids need boundaries and rules. But they need to feel good too. Violent Games and Adult television shows are not for kids. It's your job to protect them from those things. You're their parent, not their friend. Kids will be exposed to a million things that are far too mature for them to process or experience properly. Don't add to that pile of potential reasons your kid gets screwed up.

Actual hindsight.

Is it more important to readjust your goals for a once in a lifetime experience? Or should the initial goal be reassessed once we find a place in life that is a surprise comfort zone.
A relationship, or a job, or a group of friends that brings you happiness are very valuable things to some people. but not to others. How do you give each other what you need and do the things that your partner needs to make them happy, instinctively, when your instincts are completely different from your loved ones.
I have to admit I found myself in a relationship like this. I've never met an Abed who was so completely opposite to myself. He gave the impression of being vain and slow, which I don't fully understand because now that I know 500% more about him then I did back in those early times, I see the things that gave me that impression, and now that I understand them better, I realize that the last things you could ever use to describe him is egotistical or ignorant.
I found him unbelievably attractive. Truth be told I had known who he was for a really long time. We had met at Noisy Nan"s (a popular jam space, a few years back, tons of people always jamming and hanging out. It was fantastic.) and I was all fluttery and embarrassed  Cause I'm me. and that's nothing like being a normal person with a working brain. Anyway this was months before we were ever a couple. I quickly found out that he had a girlfriend. I was a little crushed. But moved on to date someone, I thought I could fix. Thank God I got out of that. Better late then never I suppose.
But I digress. I realize now that being someone with so much emotional need was just as frustrating as being someone with little emotional needs. Abed and I were so different. So we had to spend more time in the other person's shoes then our own, just to connect. The hardest part about communicating differently, and showing your affection and love is different ways is knowing what your partner appreciates, and what they don't recognize as signs of affection. Try to speak someone else's language, before you expect them to speak yours. Try to understand your loved ones
I think the key is not to find what makes you happy. It's to find the person that has all the qualities you love. and if you want to make them happy, maybe you get lucky and that person wants to spend their time making you happy as well. It takes some people a long time to find that person. Some people find it once in a lifetime. If you have found love in your life, you're a very lucky person, so cherish your loved ones. You're lucky to have them.

"Life is only as good as the memories we make"

god problems

Make Way for Queen Bambi!

So I wanted to take a few minutes to talk about a new business in St. John's/online. A friend of mine has started Queen Bambi Boutique. This shop is essentially me in a nutshell. Pretty flower and cute animal accessories and Zombie Apocalypse goodness. I've reserved my copy of The Rise Of The General, A fantastic addition to The Walking Dead comic book series, for those who are fans of the comics or television show.
Queen Bambi is a modern day collage of things. I love these kind of shops because you simply never know what you are going to find there. Original pieces that your friends will covet, and you will love showing off.
The other thing I love about Queen Bambi, is the tons of gift ideas. If I see something and I don't immediately want it for myself, it;s because i know it will make an amazing gift to perfectly suit a friend or lovde ones personality or individual style. Serious Check out this shop! and Like them on Facebook today!

CHECK OUT QUEEN BAMBI BOUTIQUE RIGHT NOW!! 
quantities are limited and this is your opportunity to score original pieces your friends (and strangers) will wish they found first!!

Mine! but if you hurry you can secure a copy too!!

Lots of really awesome things for lots of different people. Ahh diversity. what a beautiful thing :)