Baby

Everyone self medicates.
If you've had a bad day, and you grab your favorite greasy fast food.
I love a JBC meal from Wendy's with a Large full sugar root beer, with Chili Cheese Fries. There is something very satisfying about eating something extra delicious and extra bad for you.
Who hasn't come home from a particularly disheartening shift at work and rush to a joint, a tall, neat whiskey, or a large glass of red wine.
Tons of women, and men, act like bitchy little children, at some (admittedly humiliating) moment in their life. Almost everyone has drawn on the differences of another person, and made cruel fun of them, to compensate for their own insecurities and hang ups, at the expense of another person.
That's not even to mention all the cocaine and hardcore street drugs drifting around most communities these days.
I do have to say, I believe that hard drugs would be an exponentially smaller an issue if marijuana was legalized and our Canadian Criminal Code, and Justice Systems were reformed to reflect that of a working, productive society. Nevertheless, The situation is what it is.
People still smoke cigarettes. This used to absolutely confound me, although I know understand it for what it is. The only single loophole for which service staff  are able to walk away from a service job shift for 10 minutes and breath.
I now at least appreciate how people could smoke.
I was recently told that France has way more Smokers than The U.S, but on average the people there are much healthier. They attribute the difference to Diet. With rampant obesity on the rise, it's not news that food is a drug to a lot of us, and abused actively and aggressively.
My name is April. and I'm addicted to food.
Alcohol kills foolish amounts of people between impaired drivers and personal alcohol abuse.
Even worse than that is how many legally obtained Prescription Drugs are abused by either their intended, or an unintended user, every single day in Canada.
How many people standing at that Methadone Clinic, you look down your nose at, as you drive to work, are in line because at , they got they hurt, and saw a lazy doctor who was too willing to write a prescription to a hard working good person.
Everyone has pain that they are dealing with. or not dealing with.
This bears repeating.
Every single person has known pain.
If you were bullied, or had less than perfect parents. If you had a toxic, dishonest, self destructive relationship, that left you very insecure. If you struggle with Depression, Anxiety, Loss, Fear or Pain of any kind, it is very unfortunate that you went through that.
Getting through pain, is not an easy thing to do.
You, however, are not special.
Everyone goes through struggles, it's on you to work through it and get over it, or let it ruin your life.
Why does self destruction feel so good?
Why do we all do it.
Everyone gets to make the choices in their life, whether they are good choices that improve it, or bad choices that make their lives unnecessarily difficult.
Who could blame anyone for wanting a break from that to feel good about ourselves?
We all find ways to feel good. Especially when we don't.
So who, but the utterly arrogant, who would assume that it is their business to judge another person for the way they find, to feel good?
It's said that People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
I just Don't think you should ever under estimate the force of the wind you're throwing them into.

Aging Ungracefully.

My neck hurts. The closer I get to being 30, the easier it seems to be, to hurt myself, without even understanding how. I have no idea how I hurt my neck. I spent most of last night tossing and turning, trying to find a position that didn't send shooting pain, up into my brain, and down my back. As a result, I'm home, taking a sick day, to enjoy the headache and radiating pain, in the privacy of my own home.
Getting older is lame. When your a kid, all you want to do is be an adult. what's the appeal? You can eat cookies whenever you want to, stay up as late as you want, and buy alcohol. But nobody tells you that your metabolism kicks out around 25, and your body rejects being awake after 10:30pm, shortly after that.
So now your in your 30's. Enjoying a michelob ultra (watching those carbs now), at 9pm before starting a 45 minute skin care routine. You fall into your bed exhausted because now you wake up at 6:30 every day, like some barn yard animal.
Half your friends have trades, so they work on shifts. 5 days on, 5 days off, etc. You and more of your friends work a regular 9-5. Others are still in school, because none of us really know what we wanted to be when we grew up.
So you can't coordinate your schedules or any disposable income to socialize, or see each other. For a lot of us, the appeal of drinking is gone once you can do it freely and legally. If your a petite body type like myself, you may realize that your really bad at alcohol, and opt to not really drink all that often. So that avenue of socializing is out.
Even if you could get everyone on the same page, everyone is so tired and plagued by social anxieties and other mental health issues that nobody wants to leave their house anyway.
Don't misunderstand me. I hated being a teenager. High school was a nightmare, and I'm very satisfied living on my own terms, in my own lifestyle. But with friends you can't see, Money you can't spend and time you can't waste, it's a sad state of affairs that is only slightly better than living in your parent's basement.
When you consider having someone else do your laundry, cooking your meals, and do your grocery shopping, it's a small wonder that any of us ever left at all. How old is too old to move back in with your parents?

I could very well, become an adult, soon.

So yesterday I learned what it was to be in a situation where you "Can't Even".
This was always an odd thing to me. I never understood why an inability to articulate the language you should know, "off by heart", as they say, became a thing to encourage.
But yesterday, I had such a day, that I am sure that I could not find the words to articular my frustration properly, and so I couldn't even...
Now, as unnerving as THAT was
This evening, I experienced what I understand to be "fangirling" when I tweeted something positive to Sarah Blackwood, in support of her current upset with United Airlines. Not particularly known for their caliber of customer satisfaction. way less stoked for my trip to New York this summer. But I digress.
I send a positive message with a silly video. I am such a fan of this girl. I used to love The Creepshow, a Toronto band, when she was their vocalist. I fell away from their music but I became such a giant fan of her projects and her as a person, and a women role model for people to look up to. Walk Off The Earth have some of my favorite videos on the whole internet. Their music is creative, and honest and so full of innovation that I'm considering leaving Newfoundland just to see them perform live somewhere in Canada soon.
Granted the picture of three baby goats, wearing sweaters and making precious sounds, did the majority of the work, She favorited my tweets. She retweeted my tweets. I shreked like a 4 year old, with a set of car keys dangling above my heads. Attention! from someone I admire!! Just bliss.
Is it possible that I'm slowly starting to understand how to relax and behave like a normal human being...? I'm not sure how I feel about this to be honest...

Motivate Me.

Things aren't going as well as I would have hoped.
I'm not yet in a position to advance aspects of my life to a point where I want them to be. It's getting very difficult to be positive, because I've been given a few extra obstacles in the last year. Things I can't control or stop from happening.
That's probably one of the most frustrating things you can possibly go through. To know something makes you unhappy and still have to watch it happen to you, and live through it, with no real way of recovering the loss.
Maybe that's just another reason I'm really messed up, but sometimes people are too insecure and ignorant to know any better. Sometimes people do rude things like point out mistakes or flaws in other people, to feel good about themselves. Sometimes, people are just so unable to cope with life like everyone else, that they become very self centered and don't know when they are neglecting to treat people around them the ways we all deserve. People who are so unhappy with themselves that it makes them insecure and incapable of being happy for another person. Everyone has had that one friend or roommate that was just impossible to be around sometimes. If they are having a bad day everyone around them is too. Even if your having a good day, these people will belittle you and make you feel low. It's not their fault. They can't accept your happiness as anything other than a personal insult. Their happiness is all about themselves, so you need to make sure you're not wasting your happiness on someone who is just not worth it.
Sometimes we get so invested in something (a job, a relationship, a hobby, or a project) that we're motivated to work harder toward our own goals that we forget other people don't want to hear all about us all day long.
We all have a point and time when someone should take us aside and tell us that the world does not revolve around us.
I believe that we've become a society of self reflection. We all spend so much time in our own heads going over and over conversations that happen. and things that might happen. and what we will say if someone does something to us. Probably more so than all those we spend hours in our own heads saying all the things we wished we had. We all wish we were confident, direct and secure. So maybe we should all stop worrying about everyone else's downfalls, and realize that we need to work on ourselves.

Where have all the ladies gone?

This started as a Facebook post but I'm still irritated so it's spilling into being a blog rant.

The things I see on Facebook, and Twitter, and all over the internet, posted publicly for the whole world, is often absolutely shocking to me. I've seen young women, in my local community and all over the world, posting lingerie photos, as a display picture. Having boudoir photos taken* and posting them as an album on Facebook.

Is your self esteem so closely tied to Facebook Likes, and People paying attention to you, that you'll settle for Negative attention and compromising your integrity for it?

Surely even the most slow witted human being can grasp that degrading yourself for attention it's not a healthy thing to do. Even more irritating is when I see these girls complaining about having crushes on guys, and how lonely they are, and how guys are all jerks to them.  If you act like trash, and don't respect yourself. he's going to treat you like all other trash. Use you once and dispose of you as such. 

Maybe if you set the standards, you maintain for yourself a little higher, valued yourself and focused on being a good person with dignity and class, great guys would pick up on all those strong character traits and you'd meet someone who valued the things that make you happy.

I once had a guy friend tell me that any girl that is DTF in the first week is a great time, but she's never meet his mother. Ladies if you want guys to put you on a pedistle, why don't you act like you belong on one. Any intelligent person will realize if you gave it up that easily for them, that it's not your first, second, or third time around the block, and that's not a good look on anyone.

Now this is the part where these broads post pictures of them giving the finger, and saying they don't care what anyone things of them. Well sadly girls that is the truth, you don't care what anyone thinks of you. as long as their thinking about you. and that is truely depressing.

We can all tell how desperate you are for attention and you're embarrassing yourself. Is the attention you're getting really from the kind of people you want to be giving it to you? If you valued yourself enough, you wouldn't need any validation from the whole internet. You're own self worth would be enough to make you happy.

Now, go on and tell me again how you don't care what anyone thinks of you. I love that one. Try to maintain some dignity for Jesus sake, "ladies", you're making us look like idiots. Use your fucking brains.

Orange Leaves, and Hoodie Sleeves

I'm having a lot of trouble writing again. I suppose to don't really have that much to say. I've been working as much as possible and had a lovely, eventful Thanksgiving Weekend. (Canadian Thanksgiving, Obviously)

I've been working as much as possible and I'm finally seeing it pay off. I'm finally starting to get ahead, and the optimism it's given me is like being revived. For a long time I thought it was impossible to advance or get ahead. A lot of set backs had me very discouraged. But I'm getting there and it's a fantastic feeling. Making Headway. I'm starting to think that life is really all about the little things. I see retirement commercials telling me to spend my youth working all day every day so I can be rich when I'm 65 and falling apart. I don't see value in that. I think we should work hard some time and relax, play and enjoy our lives some time. I'd rather have a lifetime of memories when I'm 65. Not disposable income.
To be life is about all the stuff that happens in between. The Bar-B-Q's and Halloween parties and softball games and New Years. Life loses it's luster and excitement when you look at it like it's 75+ years. It's 39 000 000 Moments. The only determining factor is your own potential for happiness, and how you choose to remember all those moments.

This change on outlook has really helped me to keep things in prospective. This was a massive positive change that adds to my happiness and mental health.

Another exciting thing that has happened is that Friends of mine got engaged last weekend. and She asked me to be her maid of honor. I'm kind of a control freak, I really enjoy planning and organizing and designing and being very hands on in endeavors. This will be a challenge for me to not take over. But I'm very excited to do all the M.O.H. duties. I just don't really know what they are yet.

a tiny amount of growth maybe

Yesterday was a very interesting day for me.
I should back up a little. I recently accepted a role in a community theatre version of August: Osage County. which I am very excited about. It's a very well written play and the director seems to really know her stuff. I'm very optimistic.

So yesterday I get an email that is CC'd to the entire cast. and I notice some names on the list I've worked with before a couple friends and people that I think are really great actors.  One of the names however is one of the most insufferable old bitches I've ever had the unfortunate luck of meeting.
Now a very short time ago, this would have ruined my entire day. Knowing that I'd have to spend a lot of my free time with people who's had a negative impact on my life. but yesterday it didn't seem to bother me so much.

So I go to work and the charming little girl who I mentioned as my Manager (From the Insurance Company, in an earlier post called Day One) For any one who won't bother to check back, I wrote to her trying to set up a meeting to return my things and resign. She wrote me back firing me on the spot, without letting me leave on my own. It was very unfair and hurtful but proved that I didn't want to be the kind of person that likes selling Life Insurance to senior citizens on fixed incomes, Or is really good at it. It takes a shitty person to do business that way. Someone who actually claimed to be dead inside with no conscience. What a gift, to be so self aware, at such a young age.

Anyway the Ice Queen comes to the counter, with her fake insurance sales smile and says
"Hey Missus! Haven't seen you in ages. You're working here now are you??"
I had to walk away to get change for a guy, but was very happy to leave before I burst into laughter The last thing she said to me was that I was fired. via text message. This class act is so simple that she can't even remember a couple of months ago.

I couldn't help but find it funny that she was legitimately pretending nothing happened and was acting as though we were old friends.

"haven't seen you in ages"
of course you haven't seen me? I tried to sit down with you and you fired me. Where would you see me?

Later the same day, I go out to eat at a new restaurant, downtown. One of the few people that I will never ever speak to again, is sitting 4 tables away staring at me, not unlike the slow-witted Goldfish, while I eat, my broccoli. Again, this would have ruined my mood a couple of years ago. But I looked up and said "well...it's just raining bitches today" and we laughed and went about our date.

Now generally a day that is just teeming with unintelligent, hurt filled people would have sent me home to cry in my bed. I've come to realize that throughout my life, females in my life have betrayed me, abused me and disregarded and disrespected me as a person. While I know it's unreasonable like everyone else, I cannot change or help my feelings.

I'm afraid of girls.

This day, however I thought it was so funny. What are the odds of three awful people in one day? I feel like that may be a little progress, however shallow of inconsequential it may be to anyone else. Other people don't affect my happiness anymore. At least they affect it a lot less.

The Authority On Everything

So I've been having a rough week. Working a lot in a very warm restaurant. I love the summer, especially in Newfoundland. If you've never been to St. John's, NL I strongly suggest you find a week to spend here. I'm so in love with where I live. All the culture and food and nature and history. It's an amazing place. The thing about depression though is how good or bad anything is going around you has absolutely no bearing on your mental health. You could have a seemingly perfect life and be completely unhappy with yourself, and the last thing anyone should ever do, is give their two cents on someone else's situation. 

Seriously.

I'm so sick of being told what is wrong with me, or what I need to do, or having my feelings downgraded by someone ignorant enough to assume its a competition and they have to win. I'm in serious danger of punching a know it all, mouth piece, directly in said mouth, the next time one tries to tell me all about what I'm going through. The worst part is these people are so oblivious to how ignorant they're being. they seem to feel perfectly justified in assuming they know anything about someone else.
My favorite part is when they are so obviously completely full of it. A friend of mine coined this kind of person as an "Authority on Everything" and I can't think of a better description. 

My favorite is when they tell a story and blatantly make up really specific details that no person would ever tell them. It's easy to pick up on habits and patterns like this, because this person is constantly telling foolish stories and anyone (not just people with OCD like myself) can pick up on the patterns.
It's funny how much someone's language and body language change when they are lying. To me this just says that even they know they are full of it, and they are so desperate to seem genuine that they try to add credibility. It's so painfully obvious. As a general rule, if you make shit up, most intelligent adults can tell and are probably mocking you for it behind your back, if not to your face. So knock it off.

That wasn't even the point of this post, but I had to vent. If you don't think you know anyone like this. You are probably one of these people, and you are irritating everyone who has to be around you. If you were secure enough with yourself and being who you are, you wouldn't be trying so hard to prove who you were to anyone else. So come to terms with the fact that you are not as smart as you think you are, because everyone around you already knows. trust me. Your constant correcting of people and complete lack of social graces are speaking for themselves every time you insist on overpowering every conversation anyone tries to have with you.
That really turned into me being a mean girl. I don't like that. But I know a couple people who I hope read this and realize. but they probably wont.

The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs

That was a super lame attempt at a clever title.

I was writing a post about my twitter and how you guys should follow me. But the danger with smoking pot is what it does to your attention span. and appetite :s

But I digress (it's to be expected really) My focus shifted to the song I quoted in the Title. An absolutely perfect song by a band called The Be Good Tanyas.
The first time I heard it was in the opening credits of an artistically optimistic independent film. I Claudia was brought to my theatre class during our "One Man Show" studies. Self reliance and interacting only with an audience. It would have been more aptly titled as "you need to love yourself way too much for anyone else to matter to you at all"
But Charlie Thomlinson was a guest professor. A truly brilliant person that I have huge amounts of respect for. That was my third year of theatre school I believe. Easily the happiest time of my entire life. In hindsight I really feel as though I let him down. I wasn't committed to being an artist. I had no integrity. I'm favirly sure it was apparent to him back then. Wish he'd clued me in. He just kept trying to teach me. The one with no emotions or feelings at all. bahaha... theatre school. It's only now that I can look back on that part of my life with fond memories. It takes a really long time to get past your own mistakes something. Charlie has this amazing Dog named Luca. She was the smartest animal I've ever seen. I miss walking Luca.

Again with the digression. I told you to anticipate some of this, in all fairness. If I ever learn to do it right, I'll be able to get back on track without you even realizing I'd made the error in the first place. but not today.

The Littlest Birds by The Be Good Tanyas makes me feel the same way that I felt back when I found it. My third year at Grenfell, pursuing a. idealistic (read: disillusion) career path. But it's a truly lovely song so here it is. Click on that little picture to see the youtube video and look them up on iTunes 000Oh right...yeah, If you're on Twitter follow me @TheWonderWords

Ask Me Anything!

If you have anything that you would like to read about, or any questions. something to personal to ask someone close to you, or something about me that you want to know more about. If you've shared a similar experience or learned a lesson the hard way, share with me. Ask me anything on Ask.fm. The little box is right there on your left. Remain anonymous or make an account and join in the conversation. I set up the account to help people. Negativity never gets a reaction, but the only stupid questions are the ones you never ask. Sometimes a little bit of time (and age) teaches you a lot that you can share to help someone else. So speak up. Help yourself or someone else. I can't fix our passive, crumbling society all by myself :p

happy ending?

So this may be the last post in my job search. I applied at a natural health food store and was basically given the job on the spot. A lovely woman owns the place and found herself pregnant and unable to work the foolish amount of hours that she puts into her store. As a pale kid who is allergic to outside, and a lot of things inside, this store is right up my alley. It's in a great strip mall with a lot of other interesting and unique shops, as well as right next to a coffee shop and a restaurant my friends and I often frequent. Is this the reward for the stress of how my corperate headache ended? or some divine being guiding me to somewhere I will be truly happy? Who knows. But in the fall Denise is going to have a beautiful baby, and no time to work at the store, and I hope to fall into place as her replacement, and make her proud by adding to the value of her store and her client base.

I really have to say this store has everything. Along with acupuncture (a friend of mine swears by this, so im trying out her girl) I am looking at treating my anxiety naturally, and getting off of all medication except my claritin (again, about the allergies). They have great animal products that they cannot keep on the shelves, as well as cooking and food items. Lots of natural shampoos and cleansers and vitamin and health suppliments for just about every ailment. I already learned that Black Cherry is really good for gout! and I was only there for an hour. After my official interview, I ended up staying there to chat with Denise. She's a lovely, warm, easy going woman. Very comforting to be around. Adorably pregnant. This is the polar opposite of the experience I had while working for a big aggressive sales company, and I absolutely love it. I'm not sad that I took that chance. I got a provincial certification that I will always have. I can always go back to doing that if I want to. But at this point in my life I really really don't want to. The future is looking a lot more optimistic. My ear infection is (very) slowly going away and I can almost hear out of my left ear again. So that's exciting, and I get to go watch softball tonight! everything is coming up Millhouse!

Progress?

So the novelty of having the free time haas worn off even quicker than I thought it would. Last night I started to worry about not having a job, and the direct result was a stress headache that kept me in bed for most of the day. The worst part of all of this is the job i interviewed for (that I want, a lot) has a tonn of interviews. The manager was lovely and a lot like myself and I really do feel asthough we'd really get along and I could learn a lot from her. But now I have at least a week to wonder how the other interviews are going, and if any of those people are better than I am for that job. There are two opening available, and I'm going to be a ball of nerves until I find out. I'm planning a casual drop by for wednesday or thursday to do a little shopping and try to get a feel for the staff there. hopefully if they like me, i'll have a little better chance.

Get some coffee. This one goes on awhile...

Over the course of the last few days I've realized a lot of things. Most of which was in large part to an article shared on my Facebook called "10 Things You Learn In Your 20's"
I do strongly recommend giving it a look if you are in your mid (to late :/) 20's. This article is a quick read, and holds a lot of truth, to be honest. Through reading this, I started comparing it to my life, and my current frustrations regarding my work/career. So I set out to talk to my friends, my partner, and my mother (The Holy Trinity of advice/calling me on my bullshit).

But I had a preconceived notion in my head that just working in the mall somewhere made me a loser. and granted, if I was beginning at entry level, minimum wage, working in the food court, at my age, Yes, I would have to agree that I'd have screwed the pouch on a lot of major life choices.

But I'm from the TGIF generation. Boy Meet's World, Family Matters, The Fresh Prince, The Simpsons* and later on Sabrina The Teenage Witch and Teen Angel, taught me about morals and values and respect, So I understand that my education is valuable and I have a lot of amazing job experience, and am more than qualified to begin in lower or middle management.

Reading about the 10 things I should have learned, Number 5 really spoke to my recent career stresses and doubts.

"5. People are pretentious about jobs."

and here is the twist! You didn't see this coming I bet.

I realized that nobody in my life was putting that pressure on me.
My mom just wanted me to be happy.
My boyfriend's only advice to me ever is to make sure that I was happy. It's amazing how much it improves your perspective, when you have someone in your life, who is completely devoted to your happiness together. It's a feeling that I will truly never forget. That is love in my opinion. That level of devotion for another human being. Wanting another human being to be happy that badly.

At the end of the day it was my own presumptions and judgments that I was thinking about. Not any of my loved ones. None of my friends would ever judge me for being happy at a job. that's why they're my friends and I love them more than anything. I don't have many close friends but I greatly value the few that I have.

I've decided to leave my high paying Insurance Sales Job, for something less aggressive I have several interviews for management positions for clothing stores and restaurants. Hindsight allows me to realize that I was happiest and really enjoyed going to work, when I was working with people, in the retail industry, so I'm going back to a retail position where I can advance and take pride in the work that I do, while I enjoy doing it. I think you need to measure the amount of money you need to be happy, against how much bullshit you are willing to take at a job. It's just a job. it doesn't define you. It just pays the bills, and the fact is you're going to spend most of your life there, so it may as well be something that you enjoy. I enjoy retail. So the job hunt continues! I'm going to blog the whole job hunt process I think.

Today I have an interview at 3pm for an assistant manager position. there are two openings. I look young, so it's difficult to appear mature, without looking like I'm playing dress up with my mom's clothes, but little things help.
Wearing your hair in a mature style
Wearing lipstick in a conservative shade, not lip gloss.
Go easy on the makeup. it's bad for your skin, and makes you look really insecure and superficial.
Wear comfortable shoes. If you aren't comfortable, you aren't relaxed and performing at the level your capable of (that one goes for all aspects of life, actually.)

insanity later

I believe that I've lost all passion in my life. I don't know what job I want to do, and every time I'm sure that I love a new job, i don't love it anymore when the shiny new finish wears off.
I've worked everywhere in this city.
Hotels, restaurants, bars, a comedy club, I did child and youth care work with abused children, and now an insurance company. I've played in a band, done stand up comedy, acted for the majority of my life. I'm at a loss for where to go next, and I'm worried that I will never be content anywhere for much longer than a few months.
There must be something that remains satisfying for longer than a year. I crave routine and schedule. I'm not someone who says "why make $1000 when you can make $2000" as long as my bills are paid and I'm saving a little, I don't need to make all that much money. I have coworkers who just want to work all the time and make all of the money they can. I don't get that. I don't need that much money to get ahead. and technically you are taking it from someone else when you sell something. So I guess I view it as an issue of greed. I have no idea. I wish I could gain some insight into this issue. But I'm not even sure where to start anymore.
I'm realizing lately that tasks are seemingly becoming too daunting for me to start. I get overwhelmed easily, lay awake worrying about the future. I'm not in a stressful situation. I have an amazing new house, purchased by my amazing boyfriend, a brand new car, and a job that allows me a lot of freedom. So why am i so unhappy/stressed out all the time? uggg maybe months from now hindsight will cause me to reread this and understand this a little better.

Ask.fm: Scary Experience

What has been the scariest experience in your life?

Coming home from England, (the most amazing trip of my life), to find out that they were waiting for me to come back to have tests done for cancer. I had tests done before my trip and they came back with some questionable results over the 2 months I was gone. The worst part of the whole thing was that nobody in my family would tell me about my results. I knew nothing at all until I got off a plane, and my mom told me i had to leave university and go back to Grand Falls-Windsor where a specialist was waiting for me to do biopsies and other invasive, uncomfortable tests. I know that my family didnt want to ruin my trip. They didn't want me to be on another continent and worried about things I couldn't control. But this is something that I still struggle with because I'm the kind of person who would want to know. and they know that, and unfortunately it's something that has affected my trust with several people because.

Lucky I was and still am cancer free, and a lot of people don't get so lucky. But that was easily the scariest experience of my life.

Ask.fm

What’s wrong with the world?

I believe that the world is filled with fear and ignorance, and not enough understanding. It's nothing unnatural, just a sign of the past really, but I believe its everyone's job to overcome it. i also firmly believe that war and fighting are the worst possible ways of achieving this.We don't all have a gun. But we all have a voice, a heart and a brain, that all work to operate a mouth. Do or Do Not. There is no Try.

Ask.fm

This actually breaks my heart, but this is a real question sent to me via Ask.fm.

Why am I so ugly ?

I'm so sorry that you feel like you're ugly. I've only seen your display photo but you look like a beautiful girl. I also noticed all the hateful questions and insecure words left for you to "answer" as if you could?
I'm the last person to tell anyone to do anything. When that was a problem for me I handled it very poorly and let those people make me feel bad about myself. All you need to worry about is finding something that your good at and take pride in it. A hobby or an art form. Something that you can get really good at and you'll see that your confidence and happiness isn't affected by those people. You're the one in control of your happiness. So make your life what YOU want it to be and make the most of it.
I learned a very difficult lesson over the last few years. I realized that we're all broken. We're all insecure and hurt. and its very unfortunate that those other people think that making you feel bad will make them feel better, because it doesn't work that way
When I was in high school, I was awkward, and thin and pale. Boys thought I was weird, or someone that they could use at their own discretion Girls appeared to think I was some kind of psychological punching bag. and I didn't get what I had done. None of that has changed at all sadly. Except now I realize that I hadn't done anything. I was a proud and confident person. Outspoken and charismatic. and that intimidates people. We all resent the things that we can't have. Sadly I'm the furthest from that confident, happy person, that i have ever been in my life. But I'm getting back there. and If a mess of a human being like me can do it, I believe that anyone can

In my life right now, I'm moved into a suburb. and struggled with the idea of leaving my rustic* downtown St. John's life behind, but it is in every way an improvement. Now I completely resent this house across the street with beautiful renovations and a lovely deck/garden. I find myself standing in the window, enviously watching their hot tub get delivered, or as their new paved driveway gets finished. I think that moment made me realize I'm an adult now. Lamest.

*Rustic is a word that furniture stores use to describe, cheap, crappy or unfinished furniture.
*Read: ghetto

This is the one that starts a war

We all went to school with a girl we felt sorry for. A girl who was much too friendly with guys, and thought it was am empowering thing to enjoy confrontational drama with other girls. The girl who relished in being "The Bitch", and didn't care that being promiscuous caused everyone to talk about her negatively.  as long as they were talking about her at all.
It was always a little sad to me that this girl felt she had nothing more valuable to offer.  Dressing in a provocative way, and trying to act the way you think adults act, is the most obvious and childish thing that a young person can do, and it's so obvious because it is in no way, how actual adults behave. it's the way that teens in love with the glamour image of adulthood, THINK adults behave.
Sex is not difficult. Anyone can do it. It doesn't take any education. It isn't something to be proud of. So when I see a girl behaving this way, I don't understand why she can't take pride in her brain, or an ability, or something that requires some effort to be good at.
Some girls have a passion for music, or art. They learn every word, and every song. A lot of them learn to play instruments and make their own music. I believe that any artistic ability is a gift that should be nurtured  Lots of girls Make beautiful art. A dear friend of mine is the most amazing designer. She makes clothing, does interior decorating, and takes stunning photos, of herself and everything else that inspires her. She's not someone who needs to behave negatively, or dress provocatively to get attention. The things in her life that allow her to express herself give her confidence, and security with herself. THAT is something worth bragging about. A healthy version of self worth that nobody else can affect. I can promise you, that when she is alone, she feels just as good about herself as when she's in a room full of people, because her happiness and self worth don't depend on other people. THAT is something hat I envy in a person. That's something that I haven't really figured out yet. Just like a lot of other people.
Soo girls, i have to say this. Stop trying to grow up. When I was younger, these "questionable women" were 16, and it was shocking how young that was. Now girls are trying to mature to the level of a grown woman, at 11 and 12 years old. I beg you to respect yourself. I'm nobody's mother. It's not my place to tell anyone what to do. But all I want is for you girls to realize your value. Find something in your life that you can feel proud of. Everyone deserves pride. We all need it, But don't lower yourself to such a devastating level. It doesn't do anything for you. Well that isn't true. A lot of girls will tell you that making bad decisions and not respecting yourself will make you feel like less of a person at the end of the day. I can't imagine willingly doing that to myself, and the people in my life that care for me. We're all flawed human beings. nobody is perfect, So we all have the task of keeping ourselves in check. Not being perfect is no excuse for not living the best life that you can. You're responsible for your own happiness. Taking responsibility for ourselves is one of the hardest things that we all have to do. But we do.

Confessions of a Drama Queen

Moving is a fate I would not wish on my worst enemy. While I was studying theatre, I moved my entire life to a different town of this province more than 19 times, and one trip back and forth to England. Afterwards I went on to allow poor decisions made about Defunct relationships, to move me  into and out of 3 different houses in St. John's. and Today I had to do I again.
I hate it. It's such a huge endeavor that I can't start anywhere. It makes me sleepy and stressed out just to think about it. It's overwhelming. I spend so much time trying to help people*, but this is one of the few things that is still able to virtually paralyze me. I can't seem to get my head around it at all. Now THAT is adding to my moving stress. Stressing about why I get so stressed about moving. To paraphase one of my most loved television characters of all time. "For I am April. Lord of the Broken People"

*I choose to view life as a road, that we all travel down, at different speeds and times, and sometimes we hit a pothole and it fucked up our car and we learn a difficult lesson. So if we can't manage to warn someone behind us about a pothole, than we are miserable human beings who don't deserve the beautiful planet that we have.

Ask.fm. The final part of this conversation Trilogy :)

Cool. thanks again for the lengthy and thoughtful replies. I'd like to talk more in person (we see each and speak occasionally downtown) but I'm awkward and all that lame jazz. maybe some day hopefully some day I can become more like what I see in you that I don't see in myself

please don't glorify me trust me (and the people i've dated! lol) I am as flawed as individuals get. But I'm trying. I think thats the important thing. if we all want to move forward then there is nothing stopping us :) take care! see you around