Artistic Process

I thought I missed acting.
So I decided to audition for a play. I got the part I wanted. Nothing too serious. not too much pressure. but still quite challenging for me personally.
I love the play. I love my part, but rehearsal becomes tedious at the end of the week. Actors are often very insecure people. They need a lot of praise and attention and take "creative feedback" in weird and unpredictable ways. It's unbelievably tedious to be in a room full of people so much like myself.
In a lot of ways I'm freaking awesome. But I have a lot of flaws that I don't realize, until they irritate me about somebody else. I feel as though this probably makes me an awful person but I am who I am and I can't change that. Being in a room with with a few different things you hate about yourself for 3 hours at a time is daunting. Being the target of obnoxious, ignorant ego makes it kind of worse.

I still like the play a lot. and it's nice to see some friends that I used to work with when I was involved with a lot of this stuff. But after working a long day on my feet, making few tips on $13 Breakfasts Specials*, I don't want to go to a room where I know there will be an insecure, obnoxious, attention-starved, really, really sad person. It's not an environment I would choose to be in, if not for the obligation. But I can't stop acting because of the people in that whole social deal. It's just such a shame that it's such a small scene in our city that the same people will always be around.

I feel as though I was going somewhere with all of this. Or maybe I just had to vent the frustration of a good day that got better then ending in a crappy way. It's disappointing really.

Also, non of them are fans of Seinfeld. They don't get a single hilariously well times Seinfeld reference that I make. I don't have any other really strong ways of communicating with people. So my hands are a little tied here. How can I exist in their world? Being an actor for me is like when the paralyzed soldier in Avatar, gets in the tube to be a blue thing and have a different life. Probably more like an Animorph actually. Where if I stay as an actor for too long I have to stay that way. Also if you don't know what the Animorph's are you have a lot of reading to do.

* This is not to say that I have an issue with the tippers, or the breakfast crowd. Some of my favorite regulars are brunch on Saturday and Sunday. It's just not as expensive as other meals. Most people tip on a percentage of 10%-20% of their bill. So obviously if the bill is less the tip is less.

I got a lot of problems with you people!

I have a serious problem with the lack of accountability in our society.  We've found ways to take the responsibility out of tons of very serious aspects of our society.
For one example. get rid of firearms. Let everyone in the world who wants to go to war do it with swords and knifes and hand weapons. Make a soldier responsible for taking a life up close, personally and with his own hands. Then it becomes the hugely serious and important decision that it should be. I'm not an idiot, I don't believe that there shouldn't be guns at all. But you should be registered to carry one. You should have to completely gun safety training to get a licence to carry a gun. and I don't believe there is any reason or cause for semi-automatic weapons

Another great example of this is the internet. you can make up a used name and be anyone you want. Insecurtiy and unhappiness tend to steer people toward negativity, and there is nothing wrong with voicing an opinion, im just saying that if you had to do it face to face you'd think about what you said and did, knowing that someone would judge you based on your actions. Anonymity is ruining us. our natural instincts (or the manipulated, pathetic excuses that used to be instincts) do not work without accountability. Why does nobody feel the pressure to build people up, the way that they feel the need to tear people down? It's not news to anyone who reads this blog that I have kind of a pessimistic view of (my own) and the newest generation of attention starved kids whos parents didnt let them learn anything the hard way. But with an entire society that is virtually unaccountable for most of their own actions, nobody is ever really forced to learn any lessons, the hard way (no homo) or otherwise.

Confessions of a Drama Queen

Moving is a fate I would not wish on my worst enemy. While I was studying theatre, I moved my entire life to a different town of this province more than 19 times, and one trip back and forth to England. Afterwards I went on to allow poor decisions made about Defunct relationships, to move me  into and out of 3 different houses in St. John's. and Today I had to do I again.
I hate it. It's such a huge endeavor that I can't start anywhere. It makes me sleepy and stressed out just to think about it. It's overwhelming. I spend so much time trying to help people*, but this is one of the few things that is still able to virtually paralyze me. I can't seem to get my head around it at all. Now THAT is adding to my moving stress. Stressing about why I get so stressed about moving. To paraphase one of my most loved television characters of all time. "For I am April. Lord of the Broken People"

*I choose to view life as a road, that we all travel down, at different speeds and times, and sometimes we hit a pothole and it fucked up our car and we learn a difficult lesson. So if we can't manage to warn someone behind us about a pothole, than we are miserable human beings who don't deserve the beautiful planet that we have.

Drug of Choice

So I have this new job. and I really love it.
I guess the issue I'm struggling with, is that I know I could be working nonstop, and making a lot of money. But I'm not interested in doing that right now. I'm interested in making ends meet and being able to live a little more comfortably, while saving up for a down payment on a home.
If I make enough sales in a week, I get a bonus. and more consistently you "bonus" you go from 5% of your alp sales, to 10% to 15% which is the maximum bonus. You then get 15%for every week that you continue to bonus. The equivalent to 2 decent sales is what you need to bonus. this is not difficult to do.
I guess I just feel that if I'm making my bonus, then I'm meeting the production goals they expect of me. If they are rewarding me for my sales and I'm making very good money, I'm lead to believe they are happy with my performance.
I love that this job allows me to be at home, and writing on my blog at 11 am on a Friday  enjoying a coffee and doing some light paperwork (also par for the course with an independent sales job.)
So if this is where I want to be right now, why do I have to leave it so quickly? I've been working 2 or more jobs for the last 5 years. We always tell kids to enjoy it while they're young because being an adult is no fun. So if I'm happy where I am right now, what is wrong with that? Why can't I just enjoy a little vacation in my busy life? isn't that the guilt we always put on kids? Enjoy your childhood and stop trying to advance! Slow down and appreciate the things you have. Why are you in such a hurry to grow up?!
If I'm currently comfortable and happy why do I want to kill myself working nonstop? that's not a life. That is planning for your kids to have a comfortable life.

"Not that there is anything wrong with that!" 

To each their own and if your happy, I will always be happy for you. But I don't want to have children. Life is too short to live it for other people, in my humble opinion. So that isn't exactly something that is a priority for me to plan for. So is it a crime to take the easy road for a little while? it will still take me to the same place. and this way I'm really enjoying the ride :)