Less Time Online. More Time in Real Life.

I've been away from this for a little bit of time. I'd like to say that I missed it but I've hardly even noticed that I wasn't writing. I've been wondering why I started this, in the first place. What need it was meeting for me to bother to do it. I don't enjoy social media.

I really dislike Facebook, and keep Twitter for local news and support for local business and networking. I don't use any other social media. I don't use Instagram, SnapChat, Pintrest, or even Facebook Messenger. I'm sure there are far more social media outlets that are very popular, I just can't think of any off the top of my head. The Internet is now a very overwhelming place to exist.

So why do I need this pathetic little place to voice my opinions, where (between few and zero) people can read them and understand me? I'm still at a loss for why if anyone reads any of the things I say, despite views and exposure referenced in my "Blogger Insights", but it's protected risk taking. 

Like calling some guy out, from behind your large, violent friend, I may as well be shouting from inside a panic room, in space.

To argue on the internet seems to be such a tiny victory for one's self esteem, or shots taken at an already fragile ego. 

Many would have to agree that the ability to feel good about yourself, and confidently live your life on your own terms is important thing for everyone to have, however getting behind a computer screen, with a spell check, and the whole internet to make you look like an expert, we all get too brave.

A lot of people hold such specific and rigid views and ideals (NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!) that their emotions are tied very closely to things they care about. When things we care about are threatened, we all go into fight or flight mode.

The internet strips debate down to its BORING bare bones.

All you have are words and punctuation. 

Despite all the feelings you put into what you say, The thoughts and metaphors and carefully chosen words and language, internet lacks the ability to display voice, eye contact, gestures, tone of the voice, speaking the words your reading on a computer screen. It's just data. without all the tools of language, you may as well be reading and processing binary code.

What is even worse than our choices for a method of debate, is the fact that despite the intention of someone communicating all of that to us, we fail to read it as the person we are talking to. 

We read it in our own offended, sometimes too defensive voice. When we're arguing with another faceless humanoid, that we  have no emotional connection to, our responsibilities to think before we speak, and show have respect for one another are gone because this relationship is fleeting. its not a person you have any investment in, or something that is in our life. 

Arguing with the people in our lives is more difficult. what if they leave? What if you hurt their feelings, and cant take it back? what if you change this relationship, forever? we do a lot more thinking before we speak, when we care about the words we use.

If we all got off the internet and resumed living in real life, we would see the world a lot differently and our interactions with each other would be much more positive and productive. 

I feel like our society being so vain, and insecure has a lot to do with our new antisocial internet lifestyle. I can't decide which one I think is the metaphorical Chicken and which one is The Egg. 

I don't know why I continue to contribute to this blog and the lifestyle I'm criticizing. I do know, that I am in no way perfect. Aren't we all really just looking for other people to connect with? I don't believe that people want to fight. I believe people want to be understood. They want to be validated, and secure that their version of happiness isn't being threatened. To find others like us to share a version of happiness with. SO shouldn't we all get off the internet and take a more hands on approach to our happiness?

Ask.Fm inspired post.

Ask.Fm asks:
What scares you more than anything else?

I think being alone is what I am most afraid of. Not on a day to day basis. I really enjoy spending some time alone. But my biggest fear is having every relationship not work out, and ending up alone, without love. Some relationships just don't work out. Some people are just too different or need different things out of life. It isn't anyone's fault if they aren't exactly what YOU need. As much as it really sucks a lot of the time, There is nothing you can do about that except get over it and move on. But I digress. Not having a partner, to share my life with, scares me the most.

The Authority On Everything

So I've been having a rough week. Working a lot in a very warm restaurant. I love the summer, especially in Newfoundland. If you've never been to St. John's, NL I strongly suggest you find a week to spend here. I'm so in love with where I live. All the culture and food and nature and history. It's an amazing place. The thing about depression though is how good or bad anything is going around you has absolutely no bearing on your mental health. You could have a seemingly perfect life and be completely unhappy with yourself, and the last thing anyone should ever do, is give their two cents on someone else's situation. 

Seriously.

I'm so sick of being told what is wrong with me, or what I need to do, or having my feelings downgraded by someone ignorant enough to assume its a competition and they have to win. I'm in serious danger of punching a know it all, mouth piece, directly in said mouth, the next time one tries to tell me all about what I'm going through. The worst part is these people are so oblivious to how ignorant they're being. they seem to feel perfectly justified in assuming they know anything about someone else.
My favorite part is when they are so obviously completely full of it. A friend of mine coined this kind of person as an "Authority on Everything" and I can't think of a better description. 

My favorite is when they tell a story and blatantly make up really specific details that no person would ever tell them. It's easy to pick up on habits and patterns like this, because this person is constantly telling foolish stories and anyone (not just people with OCD like myself) can pick up on the patterns.
It's funny how much someone's language and body language change when they are lying. To me this just says that even they know they are full of it, and they are so desperate to seem genuine that they try to add credibility. It's so painfully obvious. As a general rule, if you make shit up, most intelligent adults can tell and are probably mocking you for it behind your back, if not to your face. So knock it off.

That wasn't even the point of this post, but I had to vent. If you don't think you know anyone like this. You are probably one of these people, and you are irritating everyone who has to be around you. If you were secure enough with yourself and being who you are, you wouldn't be trying so hard to prove who you were to anyone else. So come to terms with the fact that you are not as smart as you think you are, because everyone around you already knows. trust me. Your constant correcting of people and complete lack of social graces are speaking for themselves every time you insist on overpowering every conversation anyone tries to have with you.
That really turned into me being a mean girl. I don't like that. But I know a couple people who I hope read this and realize. but they probably wont.

The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs

That was a super lame attempt at a clever title.

I was writing a post about my twitter and how you guys should follow me. But the danger with smoking pot is what it does to your attention span. and appetite :s

But I digress (it's to be expected really) My focus shifted to the song I quoted in the Title. An absolutely perfect song by a band called The Be Good Tanyas.
The first time I heard it was in the opening credits of an artistically optimistic independent film. I Claudia was brought to my theatre class during our "One Man Show" studies. Self reliance and interacting only with an audience. It would have been more aptly titled as "you need to love yourself way too much for anyone else to matter to you at all"
But Charlie Thomlinson was a guest professor. A truly brilliant person that I have huge amounts of respect for. That was my third year of theatre school I believe. Easily the happiest time of my entire life. In hindsight I really feel as though I let him down. I wasn't committed to being an artist. I had no integrity. I'm favirly sure it was apparent to him back then. Wish he'd clued me in. He just kept trying to teach me. The one with no emotions or feelings at all. bahaha... theatre school. It's only now that I can look back on that part of my life with fond memories. It takes a really long time to get past your own mistakes something. Charlie has this amazing Dog named Luca. She was the smartest animal I've ever seen. I miss walking Luca.

Again with the digression. I told you to anticipate some of this, in all fairness. If I ever learn to do it right, I'll be able to get back on track without you even realizing I'd made the error in the first place. but not today.

The Littlest Birds by The Be Good Tanyas makes me feel the same way that I felt back when I found it. My third year at Grenfell, pursuing a. idealistic (read: disillusion) career path. But it's a truly lovely song so here it is. Click on that little picture to see the youtube video and look them up on iTunes 000Oh right...yeah, If you're on Twitter follow me @TheWonderWords

Confessions of a Drama Queen

Moving is a fate I would not wish on my worst enemy. While I was studying theatre, I moved my entire life to a different town of this province more than 19 times, and one trip back and forth to England. Afterwards I went on to allow poor decisions made about Defunct relationships, to move me  into and out of 3 different houses in St. John's. and Today I had to do I again.
I hate it. It's such a huge endeavor that I can't start anywhere. It makes me sleepy and stressed out just to think about it. It's overwhelming. I spend so much time trying to help people*, but this is one of the few things that is still able to virtually paralyze me. I can't seem to get my head around it at all. Now THAT is adding to my moving stress. Stressing about why I get so stressed about moving. To paraphase one of my most loved television characters of all time. "For I am April. Lord of the Broken People"

*I choose to view life as a road, that we all travel down, at different speeds and times, and sometimes we hit a pothole and it fucked up our car and we learn a difficult lesson. So if we can't manage to warn someone behind us about a pothole, than we are miserable human beings who don't deserve the beautiful planet that we have.

Ask.fm. The final part of this conversation Trilogy :)

Cool. thanks again for the lengthy and thoughtful replies. I'd like to talk more in person (we see each and speak occasionally downtown) but I'm awkward and all that lame jazz. maybe some day hopefully some day I can become more like what I see in you that I don't see in myself

please don't glorify me trust me (and the people i've dated! lol) I am as flawed as individuals get. But I'm trying. I think thats the important thing. if we all want to move forward then there is nothing stopping us :) take care! see you around

Ask.fm: Another Rant. Get comfy.

I appreciate the response. I'll definitely mull it over and try and let it sink in. It was actually your post titled "you probably think this is about you", which while I didn't think that, is totally a tendency in thinking for me. Also would like to point out that no I'm not an internet creeper :)

haha I didn't think that, but with a boyfriend in a band who plays for obsessive teen girls its always an issue/concern/thorn in our sides, sadly. 
I actually went back and read that post again. It's a little sad how much of it is me trying to defend my own flaws, both past and present :/ But the message I wanted people to get was that you deserve fulfillment and happiness. and the best way to get that is being a good person, and working hard to achieve it on your own. it will mean more to you that way. 
I had a moment a couple of years ago. where I was thinking about where I wanted to be. and being sad about not getting that far ahead then I realized, that I was the one not taking any steps to move forward. I was the one refusing to grow up. the situation I was in, was not one that would give me the things I wanted. The job I had, the people I had in my life, the relationship I was choosing to be in,* and the habits I had they were all the things holding me back. 
So I realized that I had to grow up a little. I'm struggling with the idea of getting older. Mostly because I'm struggling with the thought that I'm not where I felt I should be in life. I didn't have as much figured out as I wanted to. So I did something about it. I worked on getting a job I could advance in and make good money to be comfortable. The first one didn't work out, but that's life. So I found another job with the opportunities I was looking for and went about getting it. This was a lot of work and took over 6 months and a provincial certification.. but it was the first steps to getting the life I wanted. So I didn't see an option not to.

*this was years ago when I thought people changed, or that you could fix them. If you think this now, you're wasting your time. Please take my advice and cut your losses. Other people's damages are not your obligation to repair/live with.

Anyway I guess what I'm saying is that, more than anything else that rant was about Me. and all the foolish mistakes (hence the name 'Hundred Thousand Mistakes') that kept me from being happy. I guess my hope was that someone would recognize that in themselves and make some changes to be happier.

Thank you so much for your contribution. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my blog, and share your thoughts! thanks again!

Dirty Little Secrets

So I have a confession to make. I have to admit this is very difficult for me to share, but here goes. I love romance and gestures of affection. I don't like that I do. I'm relatively feeling-less otherwise. I often fear that on some level I'm a psychopath because I honestly have very little emotional attachment to 90% of the people around me. But when it comes to the people I do care about, I cannot do enough to show them how I feel.
 I talk to my family (mom, dad and brothers) at least 3 times a week. Unfortunately I live in a different city from all of them so It's really hard to see them more often than I do.
I also constantly try to go over and above to show boyfriends/partners what they mean to me. gifts, dates, cooking meals, back rubs, voicing my own feelings so they know what they mean to me.
Despite being mostly stone faced  I fall very hard for people. I can usually tell in the first couple of months, If I love someone, or if I'm wasting their/my time. I guess that is part of coldness that I can appreciate. I can cut ties and be over it, fairly quickly when it becomes apparent to me that, that is, in fact, the best option.
I cry a lot. like a lot. I think that it's because I keep all my feelings hidden from the general population. I don't trust most people. So because I only share my feelings/emotions with a few select people that I do trust, they all come flooding out and it's hard to control. Like flood gates I suppose. Or trying to close a fire door, to escape when like 15 Zombies are pushing on the other side and have their stupid zombie arms are all jammed in the slightly open door. stressful to say the least.
But there is nothing that makes me happier than gestures of affection. Physical contact, words spoken, cards and simple gifts that don't cost money. Something real that I can see.
I think maybe my trust issues go deeper than I realize.
Maybe I don't even trust myself, or I just can't trust believing. I have to see it, and hear it proven, to know its not going anywhere.  Which is kind of funny because I'm one of the few people I know in my age group that still hold a strong connection to my christian faith, and God. I just can't believe in people I suppose, but that shouldn't be very surprising for anyone. Humanity becomes less deserving of our faith and trust, every single day we're on the planet.
That was a bit of a rant. I had a very humbling meeting at my office today and it's causing me to reflect a lot. Now that the pity party is over, I will get back to work and stop feeling bad about myself.
Everyone needs to vent sometimes after all. If you ever need to vent, feel free to do it here. On your left. That little Ask.fm box?
<----right there!
you can tell me anything. Ask me any question you want or share any story that you think will help someone else. While I do stand by my statement that I don't have any feelings, I do have a great deal of concern for the moral fiber of our society these days, For teen girls, and everyone who has the unfortunate task of going against the grain and standing out. People who should be supported, and taught and loved. Not shunned for their individualism. Again, my personal baggage comes out here ha ha thank god growing up in a shithole with terrible people systematically killed all the feelings I had. What a mess I would be now. ha ha

Make Love and Cookies. Not War and Segregation.

<3 april

Everything In It's Place

In a lot of ways it helps economy to have a local scene. Bars pay Bands. Bargoers like to see Cover Bands or a certain genre of music. Therefore there is a place for every person, and every genre and as long as there is an audience for your art, then you will be successful. If you do not have an audience. you need a new plan. It's just that simple. Performing music is not about yourself. You want an audience to come and enjoy your music. Doesn't that immediately make it about what THEY want to see. You can't make people like you. You can make music that they want to listen to. I don't get why this is so hard for people to understand. The perfect most ideal situation in music is making music that you love that is accepted and celebrated by other people. The more the better. But this is not the most common situation. Bands get upset when nobody comes to their shows. You're choosing to make noise that they don't want to listen to. That's what it comes down to. They don't make you listen to shit that you don't want to. You know how that whiny friend who is always negative and complaining and having a pity party. nobody likes being around that friend. So don't be that friend.

Family

The reason that I have 2 brothers is entirely too complicated. Well one just came from the regular way. that shouldn't be too difficult to get your head around. He's 3 years younger than I am and he's awesome. It has to be related to DNA or something.
It doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but my family are very warm, community oriented people. They don't value things, but people. and the value they add to your life, for having them there. If it isn't already obvious, I was raised by hardworking but idealistic hippies. I'm so grateful for that, you really have no idea.
When I was 10, New neighbors moved in next door. An adorable young couple, expecting their first baby in 7 or 8 months. (a fetus that would become one of the two loves of my life).
He made friends with my dad. Doing dad things, fishing, going to the cabin, and the like. I would go over and hang out with her. Help her with the baby. He was beautiful. right from the first moment everyone saw him.
She and my mom got along but were not really on the same level. She was a little younger than my mom. A passionate and lovely native Woman. My mother being a fearless, strong Newfoundland woman, I think she was just a little too emotional or dramatic for my mother to really relate to her. But they were both so sweet and lovely that they always remained friends.
So after years of this family friendship. The kids growing, New Years spent watching fireworks, Bbq's in the back yard. Funny memories made that are still shared today, my phone rings at 9 am. The young dad was suddenly faced with his time to leave this world. By that time, I had come to realize that the young boy who grew up in my back yard, relied on me for a lot of things. I found myself so proud of the young man he was growing into. Smart, and Careful. Quickly becoming an inspiration for a whole group of people, and giving them a voice. He was a member of my family and I had a hand in the values that he had, and how he viewed himself. So when people are who he is, this beautiful, tall native boy, standing next to pale kid me, I tell them he is my little brother. Sometimes I'll feature pieces by him. He's a fantastic, opinionated writer and he stirs the pot quite nicely. My family and friends are everything to me. If you disrespect them, we probably wont have much interaction. the most important people in that group are my brothers.

Peace Out Formspring

So as you know, Formspring is shutting down. I don't think anyone is surprised, I have, however found a great new site that will give you the same options. Ask me anything, or share any story with me. You have no idea how many people you could help just by sharing an experience. sign as "anon" if you don't want your name/info posted and I'll pick a Community Character that I think best fits you! ask.fm/HundredThousand

I'll be the rain, falling on your fire escape

I don't think that it's outside of anyone's basic needs to want someone to want them. At some point, living two separate lives, and keeping them separate, starts to sting a little. When someone is actively keeping the natural progression of a relationship on hold, while they live their life, and achieve all the things they want for themselves, you can't help but wonder what your even doing there at all.
It's hard to decide if that person even wants you, or if they just don't want to be alone or start over. It is however very easy to feel like your not something that is important to them when they make a decision, or take a trip, or plan huge life changes, and they don't involve you at all.
That is not to say that your partner should run everything by you. But take buying a house for example. If someone wanted to spend their life with you, and all that stuff, wouldn't they want you to see the house you'd be moving into? Wouldn't they talk to you about moving in, as buying a house is the inevitable plan. So moving out and into a new place is the end result regardless. So when a loved one is going through all these life changes and you aren't a part of it, what are you to think?
When offers are being made and houses are being seen, and all of these things are going on, and it barely even comes up in conversations, much less is the involvement of your loved ones, maybe they have to assess how you really feel about them, and if they are wasting their time, chasing a relationship that they are never going to have with you.
It's cruel and selfish to keep someone around that you aren't in love with, or planning to  live happily ever after with. You're keeping that person from ever finding that happiness with anyone else. Because you're too selfish and scared to explore any of those feelings within yourself. I can't think of a worst situation to be in. My sympathy and patience go out to all the women, and men, who are stuck in this limbo. Do you chose to live without someone you are in love with? or stay somewhere and keep waiting to feel your feelings reciprocated, without insecurity or dishonesty, and achieve the dreams you've had for most of your life. Bob Marley Said, "“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
But when you have to wonder how much someone is willing to suffer for you, how can you waste the precious amount of life, that you have, suffering?

Photo Share!

Came across this one on Facebook. it's a really important subject and i think it's something that everyone should be talking about.

<3 april

Formspring Question #11

Formspring asks: What's the bravest thing you've ever done?

I usually have a hard time deciding if the things I'm doing are brave or just really stupid.
I guess the thing that comes to mind is staying in St. John's and living on my own after my ex and I broke up.
We had been together for 3 years. I moved to the city not knowing anyone, to live with him and be with him. naturally it all fell apart. But I stayed. I had to prove to myself that i could do it on my own.
For a long time i had 2 jobs. at times 3. But for the last 5 years I've lived on my own. in my own apartment. My bills are in my name, and i'm responsible for myself. Nobody can take that away from me. Bad things happen to everyone. Too many people think it justifies them to be bitter, and dwell on things. You can't depend on anyone in this world to pick you up. it's not their job. It's yours. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. People who dwell on bad things, and fill themselves with hate, and insecurity, never learn to trust again, and that is nobodies fault but their own. Writing this post is another one of those things, that i can't decide between Brave or Stupid on. Thank you for your question, Please keep the conversation going at HundredThousandMistakes

The only part that still irks me is he got the Wii. We bought it together and I took the bed, so all's fair. I was just really close to finishing Paper Mario Wii when shit hit the fan...
<3HundredThousand