Baby

Everyone self medicates.
If you've had a bad day, and you grab your favorite greasy fast food.
I love a JBC meal from Wendy's with a Large full sugar root beer, with Chili Cheese Fries. There is something very satisfying about eating something extra delicious and extra bad for you.
Who hasn't come home from a particularly disheartening shift at work and rush to a joint, a tall, neat whiskey, or a large glass of red wine.
Tons of women, and men, act like bitchy little children, at some (admittedly humiliating) moment in their life. Almost everyone has drawn on the differences of another person, and made cruel fun of them, to compensate for their own insecurities and hang ups, at the expense of another person.
That's not even to mention all the cocaine and hardcore street drugs drifting around most communities these days.
I do have to say, I believe that hard drugs would be an exponentially smaller an issue if marijuana was legalized and our Canadian Criminal Code, and Justice Systems were reformed to reflect that of a working, productive society. Nevertheless, The situation is what it is.
People still smoke cigarettes. This used to absolutely confound me, although I know understand it for what it is. The only single loophole for which service staff  are able to walk away from a service job shift for 10 minutes and breath.
I now at least appreciate how people could smoke.
I was recently told that France has way more Smokers than The U.S, but on average the people there are much healthier. They attribute the difference to Diet. With rampant obesity on the rise, it's not news that food is a drug to a lot of us, and abused actively and aggressively.
My name is April. and I'm addicted to food.
Alcohol kills foolish amounts of people between impaired drivers and personal alcohol abuse.
Even worse than that is how many legally obtained Prescription Drugs are abused by either their intended, or an unintended user, every single day in Canada.
How many people standing at that Methadone Clinic, you look down your nose at, as you drive to work, are in line because at , they got they hurt, and saw a lazy doctor who was too willing to write a prescription to a hard working good person.
Everyone has pain that they are dealing with. or not dealing with.
This bears repeating.
Every single person has known pain.
If you were bullied, or had less than perfect parents. If you had a toxic, dishonest, self destructive relationship, that left you very insecure. If you struggle with Depression, Anxiety, Loss, Fear or Pain of any kind, it is very unfortunate that you went through that.
Getting through pain, is not an easy thing to do.
You, however, are not special.
Everyone goes through struggles, it's on you to work through it and get over it, or let it ruin your life.
Why does self destruction feel so good?
Why do we all do it.
Everyone gets to make the choices in their life, whether they are good choices that improve it, or bad choices that make their lives unnecessarily difficult.
Who could blame anyone for wanting a break from that to feel good about ourselves?
We all find ways to feel good. Especially when we don't.
So who, but the utterly arrogant, who would assume that it is their business to judge another person for the way they find, to feel good?
It's said that People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
I just Don't think you should ever under estimate the force of the wind you're throwing them into.

What Really Matters

When my grandfather passed away I had lived through my first semester of University. 3 hours away from where I had grown up as a very sheltered, admittedly ignorant of life experience or maturity.
He was a lot of different things. he'd lived a lot of different versions of himself. Before I was born he had a problem with alcohol. when my father was a child, alcoholism was legitimately a life choice, where I'm from.
After a long time of being very unhappy, and abusing himself with alcohol, he realized how unhappy he made my grand mother and their two children, he stopped all that. Turned over a new leaf and became an entirely different version of himself. A man that I grew up with, who made jokes, and liked cartoons. Who always had candy, and some time for being silly with a child.
When I was a teenage my grand father got cancer. Sadly, there is nothing unique in that sentence. Hundreds of people, lose their loved ones to Cancer every day. It is soul crushing, to continue on filling the space in your heart left by a human being, with a handful of memories. memory is truly bittersweet in that it is always telling us that we can never go backwards.
I an a very fortunate person. My grand father went through radiation treatments. He got very very sick, and then he got better. He came home. He drove me home every single time i went for a run, stopped into his home for a glass of water, and didn't want to run home. The day he left my hometown, to come to the city, for his treatments, My Grand father smoked his last cigarette. He said, "Well that's it", and threw half a pack, into the garbage can. To this day, my grand mother swears that he never touched one again
But in 2008, after my first semester away from home, separated from my family, figuring out what was important to me, my grand father got very sick. he was gone within 72 hours. A few years before, he had undergone a hernia operation. Complications had caused him to quietly, painlessly and quickly, slip away from us.
When my grand mother brought home his clothing from the hospital, she emptied his pockets. for some reason, I took the money left there. some change, nothing bigger than a quarter.
I brought it home and put it in a black silk bag.
I never understood what it meant to me. I often wondered if it meant I was a material person. Was I a bad person, because I couldn't find any significance in anything other than money and stuff?
Today I understand what it means to me. As I clean my house on a rainy Sunday, I find my little black silk bag, behind a photograph of my younger brother. My Grandfather, My dad and my brother all share a lot of common features. so it seemed appropriate to keep family together.
Today I know why I kept the money. Not for the value, but for the symbol. The most valuable thing my grandfather has given me, is humility, awareness, and a willingness to start over.
Both literally, and metaphorically, I kept the closest thing I possible could. I kept Change.

The solution to idiots

I believe that Anger is really just fear, or a lack of understanding manifested in the most basic way.
The least complicated way of showing emotion in the whole world is Violence. If you want to fight to prove your point and  go live in the woods, surviving off of the land like all the other primates.
I would trade Celebrity Boxing to watch THAT in a heartbeat. That's legit. Bring back gladiator hardware.
I really wanna see how tough these guys are, against Lions, Tigers and Bears. Oh my, wouldn't that be something
For the love of Evolution, Try to educate and advance yourself to the best of your ability. If you aren't working on being a good/better person, you're probably a source of grief for someone else. Probably the most foolish, to me, are people who have issues with others being gay.
People who openly, proudly admit to being homophobic aren't even complex or intelligent enough to realize they are telling you they're scared of people who are gay.
Forgive me if I'm wrong but if you cannot manage to twist your small, inflexible mind around an admittedly simple train of thought, wouldn't it just stand to reason that your small, inflexible mind may have some issues. not the whole world outside of your door?

Motivate Me.

Things aren't going as well as I would have hoped.
I'm not yet in a position to advance aspects of my life to a point where I want them to be. It's getting very difficult to be positive, because I've been given a few extra obstacles in the last year. Things I can't control or stop from happening.
That's probably one of the most frustrating things you can possibly go through. To know something makes you unhappy and still have to watch it happen to you, and live through it, with no real way of recovering the loss.
Maybe that's just another reason I'm really messed up, but sometimes people are too insecure and ignorant to know any better. Sometimes people do rude things like point out mistakes or flaws in other people, to feel good about themselves. Sometimes, people are just so unable to cope with life like everyone else, that they become very self centered and don't know when they are neglecting to treat people around them the ways we all deserve. People who are so unhappy with themselves that it makes them insecure and incapable of being happy for another person. Everyone has had that one friend or roommate that was just impossible to be around sometimes. If they are having a bad day everyone around them is too. Even if your having a good day, these people will belittle you and make you feel low. It's not their fault. They can't accept your happiness as anything other than a personal insult. Their happiness is all about themselves, so you need to make sure you're not wasting your happiness on someone who is just not worth it.
Sometimes we get so invested in something (a job, a relationship, a hobby, or a project) that we're motivated to work harder toward our own goals that we forget other people don't want to hear all about us all day long.
We all have a point and time when someone should take us aside and tell us that the world does not revolve around us.
I believe that we've become a society of self reflection. We all spend so much time in our own heads going over and over conversations that happen. and things that might happen. and what we will say if someone does something to us. Probably more so than all those we spend hours in our own heads saying all the things we wished we had. We all wish we were confident, direct and secure. So maybe we should all stop worrying about everyone else's downfalls, and realize that we need to work on ourselves.

Speaking Greek

I've failed on the blog front pretty bad. Boyfriend is out of the province and I promised myself I would make use of the time alone to change some things that I want to. I've put a lot of time into work and its really paying off. I've been eating really well, and getting a mild amount of exercise and as a result, I am feeling pretty great too.
I guess I find it easier to writing, when I'm unhappy. Complaining comes more naturally to me I guess.
Not that, that makes me any different, I'm sure it's a general humanity kind of thing.
I'm thinking of trying to learn Greek with Rosetta Stone. I work in a Greek restaurant for Greek people. If that weren't enough of a reason to learn a new language, Boyfriend and I are planning a trip to Greece in the near future. Just seems like something that will make my life easier in the future.

The Questions keep coming :)

All anons this week! Keep the questions and shares coming! I love it!

how do you handle creative blocks? what do you recommend to someone who feels stifled in their creative endeavors but wishes to overcome these?

I think the first thing to decide is what is stifling you in the first place. What is it that you want to say, and why can't you just say it. Everyone needs an outlet for self expression and creativity, but it's up to you to find your means of expressing yourself, in a way that makes you happy without interfering with other people. I personally don't put pressure on myself to create at all. When something inspires me to write, I express what I have to say about the topic. If someone asks me a question I will respond in the best way that I know how. You cannot force creativity. it must come from an organic desire to express oneself. Find what inspires you and express it, as long as you're not interfering with, or abusing other people in the process. Nobody's happiness is worth the suffering of another person, your personal feelings are irrelevant

If you had to live the rest of your life in a movie which one would you pick?

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.

How do you deal with liars?

The funny thing about liars is often they are not smart enough to not get caught. So they get caught and have to lie in the bed they made for themselves

Some New Ask.FM questions!

Asked by Anon at Ask.fm/HundredThousand
Q: See my best friend complains all day and I didn't say anything about it for a couple of years and then today and I told her to stop complaining and be more positive and she got all mad and now she won't talk to me or hangout with me and ugh :(
You should explain to your friend that you never wanted to hurt her feelings. That's probably why you didn't say anything all along. It's difficult to say something when you know it will likely hurt someone. Especially when it's your best friend and her feelings mean a lot to you. I've learned that it's only someone who really cares about you that will tell you the truth, even when you don't want to hear it, and everyone needs to check their attitude from time to time. I'm sure you two will work it out. Just talk to her. She can't stay mad forever.

#indiebandproblems

I'm pretty sure that I've talked about this before (at least once) but it bears repeating. In my city there is an amazing music scene. it's diverse, and creative and there is literally something for just about everyone. I'm sure this is also the case with many more cities around the world. I find it very impressive. The thing that frustrates me about creativity is a lot of people think that it means they are entitled to praise, and special treatment and above all else, an audience.
So many Facebook posts, and tweets and passive aggressive comments circulate, all blaming the audience for not paying the money or giving the band their time and attention.

"You'll pay $20 at Starbucks, But you won't spend $5 on your local music scene. pretty cool..."

1. Yes. I will absolutely spend $20 at Starbucks because that is what I want. Delicious fancy coffee and baked goods interests me, and I like to treat my coworkers sometimes.
2. I will spend the $5 to see a band I like. Actually I will likely spend at least $50 every time I go out and support my local music scene. I go out, have some drinks, buy people drinks and tip the bartenders well, because I know our awesome time is their bullshit shift cause some bitch called in sick.

If something is happening and I want to see it, I will go out if i can afford to. Like most people I would think. I guarantee you, if people wanted to come to your shows, or see your band, or hear your music, they will. What would stop them? I don't know many people who have a problem spending money when/how they want to.

It's not fair to expect everyone in your life to be your biggest fan just because of what you choose to do. I enjoy the diversity that our music scene has to offer, but nobody ever plays music for themselves. You play for an audience. and if you don't interest anyone, you don't get an audience. that is nobodies fault but your own. You can force anyone on the planet to have a different set of interests. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/best friend/family doesn't have to love your music. It's your choice, not theres. Would you pay $5-$50 to go out and not enjoy yourself? Why do you expect other people should for you?
It's called popular music for a reason. If your music isn't getting anyones attention or any audience after so long. The problem isn't with The Scene. It's probably with whatever your doing. At the end of the day, the reality is you can love your music all you want. Make music for yourself and make it all about yourself. it's totally your call. But unless you're willing to pay cover to see yourself hundreds of times, consider it a hobby. You have no idea about any professional music career.

just words. pick your favorites and express yourself.

I read somewhere that love is giving another human being the ability to completely crush you and destroy your heart. and trusting them not to. I know a lot of people struggle with saying the words. and I think it's because love means something different to everyone.
We're all such amazingly unique human beings. Nobody feels exactly the same way about their significant other as everyone else. we all appreciate and value different things, and therefore see different values in love.
It's a natural (train of) thought to expect your version of love from someone else. We all know how we express ourselves and show love. So we look for those same actions and expressions from the people we're expressing our love for.
Completely natural, but hopelessly impossible. Expectations that you have of how someone should express their feelings for you is impractical. It's only going to cause hurt feelings, tension, resentment, and communication problems which unravel a perfectly amazing relationship.
The "honeymoon" phase doesn't end independently when it feels like it. we kill it. When we try to make someone define how they feel about us, it can only be in their own words and actions. If someone is treating you by standards that you've outlined for them, you'll never trust that it's true or real.
When someone expresses THEMSELVES, in their own way, to show you what you mean to them it means more to you then any Disney movie or Sex and the City season can outrageously glamorize

I never talk about my relationship. But it's too good of an example to not use.
I love bad movies. mostly if they involve dinosaurs, or mega sharks. Mutant animals returning to Battle Mega Shark, such as Crocosaurus or Giant Octopus. Over the top, low budget, Animal Attack movies. I f**king love them. nothing on film or T.V. brings me so much hilarious enjoyment.

Yesterday boyfriend PVR'd Sharknado for me. and was super excited to show me. I know full well that this action does not say "love" to 90% of you, but just the thought is amazing. He was scrolling through channels and saw something that I would really enjoy. I was at work and wouldn't be home for hours so he made sure I didn't miss it. Knowing someone else has that kind of concern for the simple things that make you happy, and wanting so badly for you to have everything in the world.

That means more to me than any foolish Disney Prince or lavish vacation with Mr Big. Those things aren't real. What's real is having someone in your life who wants to be there and be happy with you, and even when you're completely insane (comes with the territory of owning ovaries) you argue and have really shitty times. but you get through it and you're happy again. THAT is Love to me. and it makes me happy. So what else can you ask for?

Well I don't really have any friends. That would be nice too if I got to have two things that would make me happy.

The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs

That was a super lame attempt at a clever title.

I was writing a post about my twitter and how you guys should follow me. But the danger with smoking pot is what it does to your attention span. and appetite :s

But I digress (it's to be expected really) My focus shifted to the song I quoted in the Title. An absolutely perfect song by a band called The Be Good Tanyas.
The first time I heard it was in the opening credits of an artistically optimistic independent film. I Claudia was brought to my theatre class during our "One Man Show" studies. Self reliance and interacting only with an audience. It would have been more aptly titled as "you need to love yourself way too much for anyone else to matter to you at all"
But Charlie Thomlinson was a guest professor. A truly brilliant person that I have huge amounts of respect for. That was my third year of theatre school I believe. Easily the happiest time of my entire life. In hindsight I really feel as though I let him down. I wasn't committed to being an artist. I had no integrity. I'm favirly sure it was apparent to him back then. Wish he'd clued me in. He just kept trying to teach me. The one with no emotions or feelings at all. bahaha... theatre school. It's only now that I can look back on that part of my life with fond memories. It takes a really long time to get past your own mistakes something. Charlie has this amazing Dog named Luca. She was the smartest animal I've ever seen. I miss walking Luca.

Again with the digression. I told you to anticipate some of this, in all fairness. If I ever learn to do it right, I'll be able to get back on track without you even realizing I'd made the error in the first place. but not today.

The Littlest Birds by The Be Good Tanyas makes me feel the same way that I felt back when I found it. My third year at Grenfell, pursuing a. idealistic (read: disillusion) career path. But it's a truly lovely song so here it is. Click on that little picture to see the youtube video and look them up on iTunes 000Oh right...yeah, If you're on Twitter follow me @TheWonderWords

amazing photo find!! Love this! share it!

Ask Me Anything!

If you have anything that you would like to read about, or any questions. something to personal to ask someone close to you, or something about me that you want to know more about. If you've shared a similar experience or learned a lesson the hard way, share with me. Ask me anything on Ask.fm. The little box is right there on your left. Remain anonymous or make an account and join in the conversation. I set up the account to help people. Negativity never gets a reaction, but the only stupid questions are the ones you never ask. Sometimes a little bit of time (and age) teaches you a lot that you can share to help someone else. So speak up. Help yourself or someone else. I can't fix our passive, crumbling society all by myself :p

stand by your man(ipulation)

I don't understand how the concept of avoiding responsibility is anything but disgusting and pathetic. If you don't want to take responsibility for something that you've done, it is obviously because
YOU KNOW ITS A SHITTY THING TO DO,
if your actions are something that you don't want anyone to know you're doing, then why do it?!
I'm not saying we should all be in church or living this amazing morally sound path. humans by our very nature are flawed. We all make mistakes, but taking responsibility for those mistakes is how we learn, grow and progress as a species. Taking any accountability out of the equation causes us to regress and become stagnant. I have such a bleak outlook on my generation, and the ones that follow us.
All the good found in the invention of the magical internet and our global village is sadly far outweighed by the negativity that comes from lacking the moral fiber, intelligence and basic humanity necessary to utilize it in the most efficient way.
I added an app called Honesty Box to my Facebook when I was in University. I thought this was an amazing tool. There were people that I had a lo of respect and admiration for and I liked that I could let people know how awesome they were without it being about me. So if i knew someone in my class was having a bad day, I'l write an anonymous message to show them that someone noticed how hard they worked, or what a good person they were. But all anyone else used it for was to hate on people. I was so disappointed at the mean and hateful messages left for me. Nothing good or positive just people being needlessly rude, or idiot guys trying to be sketchy (I was in a relationship at the time, but they didn't seem to be bothered by that)
years later I added the app again, to try once more as an adult. THIS time the guy I was dating at the time tried using it to bait me. sending me messages about me being hot, and saying how it was too bad I had a boyfriend. Trying to set me up, or catch me doing something that I've never done in my life. Granted, that person had a lot of issues and I still wonder about him today and if he is any happier, but people come into your life, and leave again, for a reason. So I choose to chalk it up to an awful, awful experience that taught me a lot in a very short year.
I guess the point of this rant is to express how bleak our future is if we continue to use anonymity as a tool for negativity, to feed insecurity, instead of building others up or doing good. No actions are justifiable if they hurt someone else, and your not willing to man up and admit responsibility, and It's not really a good deed if your not willing to do it without getting credit.

Day One

So after I posted this morning about my revelation, I got a call from a manager at my office. I explained myself and said that I wasn't happy and outlined that it had nothing to do with the actual job and I had no complaints. Her response was that she and the head of the office had a meeting and that they had decided to terminate me, and to return my keys. it really makes no difference in the end, as I was unhappy and leaving anyhow. If nothing else it only proves that I was completely right to go with my gut and my happiness on that one.

at 9am I had an interview, I got half way through the application and read an area that they wanted me to sign. it stated that the company could have access to any and all of my information. medical, personal information, credit checks, (random drug testing was also mandatory) and what have you. This made me kind of uncomfortable. it probably is standard in a lot of fields but it wasn't something I was comfortable with. Later down the paragraph it stated that the company wold have permission to share my information with any and all of their affiliates, for any reason and at any point. it was at this point that i returned the application to the manager overseeing the application process, and let her know why i wasn't comfortable and thanked her for the opportunity.

at 3 pm I had another interview. it went as well as it could have, and I'm really hoping that I get the job. it seems to meet all the needs that I have, and could be something that I could really contribute to. Plus a salary and benefits is nothing to sneeze at.

now I have to wait the weekend to hear. this is the worst part. weekends when no business takes place. :/

Get some coffee. This one goes on awhile...

Over the course of the last few days I've realized a lot of things. Most of which was in large part to an article shared on my Facebook called "10 Things You Learn In Your 20's"
I do strongly recommend giving it a look if you are in your mid (to late :/) 20's. This article is a quick read, and holds a lot of truth, to be honest. Through reading this, I started comparing it to my life, and my current frustrations regarding my work/career. So I set out to talk to my friends, my partner, and my mother (The Holy Trinity of advice/calling me on my bullshit).

But I had a preconceived notion in my head that just working in the mall somewhere made me a loser. and granted, if I was beginning at entry level, minimum wage, working in the food court, at my age, Yes, I would have to agree that I'd have screwed the pouch on a lot of major life choices.

But I'm from the TGIF generation. Boy Meet's World, Family Matters, The Fresh Prince, The Simpsons* and later on Sabrina The Teenage Witch and Teen Angel, taught me about morals and values and respect, So I understand that my education is valuable and I have a lot of amazing job experience, and am more than qualified to begin in lower or middle management.

Reading about the 10 things I should have learned, Number 5 really spoke to my recent career stresses and doubts.

"5. People are pretentious about jobs."

and here is the twist! You didn't see this coming I bet.

I realized that nobody in my life was putting that pressure on me.
My mom just wanted me to be happy.
My boyfriend's only advice to me ever is to make sure that I was happy. It's amazing how much it improves your perspective, when you have someone in your life, who is completely devoted to your happiness together. It's a feeling that I will truly never forget. That is love in my opinion. That level of devotion for another human being. Wanting another human being to be happy that badly.

At the end of the day it was my own presumptions and judgments that I was thinking about. Not any of my loved ones. None of my friends would ever judge me for being happy at a job. that's why they're my friends and I love them more than anything. I don't have many close friends but I greatly value the few that I have.

I've decided to leave my high paying Insurance Sales Job, for something less aggressive I have several interviews for management positions for clothing stores and restaurants. Hindsight allows me to realize that I was happiest and really enjoyed going to work, when I was working with people, in the retail industry, so I'm going back to a retail position where I can advance and take pride in the work that I do, while I enjoy doing it. I think you need to measure the amount of money you need to be happy, against how much bullshit you are willing to take at a job. It's just a job. it doesn't define you. It just pays the bills, and the fact is you're going to spend most of your life there, so it may as well be something that you enjoy. I enjoy retail. So the job hunt continues! I'm going to blog the whole job hunt process I think.

Today I have an interview at 3pm for an assistant manager position. there are two openings. I look young, so it's difficult to appear mature, without looking like I'm playing dress up with my mom's clothes, but little things help.
Wearing your hair in a mature style
Wearing lipstick in a conservative shade, not lip gloss.
Go easy on the makeup. it's bad for your skin, and makes you look really insecure and superficial.
Wear comfortable shoes. If you aren't comfortable, you aren't relaxed and performing at the level your capable of (that one goes for all aspects of life, actually.)

This is the one that starts a war

We all went to school with a girl we felt sorry for. A girl who was much too friendly with guys, and thought it was am empowering thing to enjoy confrontational drama with other girls. The girl who relished in being "The Bitch", and didn't care that being promiscuous caused everyone to talk about her negatively.  as long as they were talking about her at all.
It was always a little sad to me that this girl felt she had nothing more valuable to offer.  Dressing in a provocative way, and trying to act the way you think adults act, is the most obvious and childish thing that a young person can do, and it's so obvious because it is in no way, how actual adults behave. it's the way that teens in love with the glamour image of adulthood, THINK adults behave.
Sex is not difficult. Anyone can do it. It doesn't take any education. It isn't something to be proud of. So when I see a girl behaving this way, I don't understand why she can't take pride in her brain, or an ability, or something that requires some effort to be good at.
Some girls have a passion for music, or art. They learn every word, and every song. A lot of them learn to play instruments and make their own music. I believe that any artistic ability is a gift that should be nurtured  Lots of girls Make beautiful art. A dear friend of mine is the most amazing designer. She makes clothing, does interior decorating, and takes stunning photos, of herself and everything else that inspires her. She's not someone who needs to behave negatively, or dress provocatively to get attention. The things in her life that allow her to express herself give her confidence, and security with herself. THAT is something worth bragging about. A healthy version of self worth that nobody else can affect. I can promise you, that when she is alone, she feels just as good about herself as when she's in a room full of people, because her happiness and self worth don't depend on other people. THAT is something hat I envy in a person. That's something that I haven't really figured out yet. Just like a lot of other people.
Soo girls, i have to say this. Stop trying to grow up. When I was younger, these "questionable women" were 16, and it was shocking how young that was. Now girls are trying to mature to the level of a grown woman, at 11 and 12 years old. I beg you to respect yourself. I'm nobody's mother. It's not my place to tell anyone what to do. But all I want is for you girls to realize your value. Find something in your life that you can feel proud of. Everyone deserves pride. We all need it, But don't lower yourself to such a devastating level. It doesn't do anything for you. Well that isn't true. A lot of girls will tell you that making bad decisions and not respecting yourself will make you feel like less of a person at the end of the day. I can't imagine willingly doing that to myself, and the people in my life that care for me. We're all flawed human beings. nobody is perfect, So we all have the task of keeping ourselves in check. Not being perfect is no excuse for not living the best life that you can. You're responsible for your own happiness. Taking responsibility for ourselves is one of the hardest things that we all have to do. But we do.

Ask.fm. The final part of this conversation Trilogy :)

Cool. thanks again for the lengthy and thoughtful replies. I'd like to talk more in person (we see each and speak occasionally downtown) but I'm awkward and all that lame jazz. maybe some day hopefully some day I can become more like what I see in you that I don't see in myself

please don't glorify me trust me (and the people i've dated! lol) I am as flawed as individuals get. But I'm trying. I think thats the important thing. if we all want to move forward then there is nothing stopping us :) take care! see you around

Ask.fm: Another Rant. Get comfy.

I appreciate the response. I'll definitely mull it over and try and let it sink in. It was actually your post titled "you probably think this is about you", which while I didn't think that, is totally a tendency in thinking for me. Also would like to point out that no I'm not an internet creeper :)

haha I didn't think that, but with a boyfriend in a band who plays for obsessive teen girls its always an issue/concern/thorn in our sides, sadly. 
I actually went back and read that post again. It's a little sad how much of it is me trying to defend my own flaws, both past and present :/ But the message I wanted people to get was that you deserve fulfillment and happiness. and the best way to get that is being a good person, and working hard to achieve it on your own. it will mean more to you that way. 
I had a moment a couple of years ago. where I was thinking about where I wanted to be. and being sad about not getting that far ahead then I realized, that I was the one not taking any steps to move forward. I was the one refusing to grow up. the situation I was in, was not one that would give me the things I wanted. The job I had, the people I had in my life, the relationship I was choosing to be in,* and the habits I had they were all the things holding me back. 
So I realized that I had to grow up a little. I'm struggling with the idea of getting older. Mostly because I'm struggling with the thought that I'm not where I felt I should be in life. I didn't have as much figured out as I wanted to. So I did something about it. I worked on getting a job I could advance in and make good money to be comfortable. The first one didn't work out, but that's life. So I found another job with the opportunities I was looking for and went about getting it. This was a lot of work and took over 6 months and a provincial certification.. but it was the first steps to getting the life I wanted. So I didn't see an option not to.

*this was years ago when I thought people changed, or that you could fix them. If you think this now, you're wasting your time. Please take my advice and cut your losses. Other people's damages are not your obligation to repair/live with.

Anyway I guess what I'm saying is that, more than anything else that rant was about Me. and all the foolish mistakes (hence the name 'Hundred Thousand Mistakes') that kept me from being happy. I guess my hope was that someone would recognize that in themselves and make some changes to be happier.

Thank you so much for your contribution. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my blog, and share your thoughts! thanks again!

Ask:fm (bit of a rant. grab some coffee)

I really like how you express yourself and that you live the values that you write about. However I also find it intimidating. I often find myself intimidated by people of strong value, and find myself asking questions like "am I the type of person that they consider awful'. What advice do you have for somebody who is insecure in such a way and feels they are never "good enough" for someone like you?


First of all, please let me say thank you for such kind words. It seems that you put a lot of pressure on yourself, and it makes me sad to read that, because I believe that every person has value. It's just a matter of their ability to see it. It's pretty clear to me that you have trouble seeing it a lot of the time.
Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves, and be happy. The first thing that I did was assess how I treated people. I paid attention to people's reactions to me, things I did that were confrontational, or self serving. Nobody intends to do it. But we all do, so we all need to check ourselves (as gangsters with street cred such as myself, often say) and make sure that we aren't being a self centered jackass who only things about what they want.....sry that got away from me there.. See. I'm just as bitter and bitchy as anyone else from time to time. We're all just humans.

You don't have to be intimidated by anybody, because everyone is equal. really, you only view them as better, because you don't value yourself properly. I, personally don't consider anyone to be awful, unless they have done something to me, or someone close to me, to warrant my thinking so. I will never ever go out of my way to say anything rude to anyone. In fact, If i don't like someone, I probably just don't speak to them. Because I don't want anything to do with them. If you're someone that I think is awful, than your probably someone who was in my life, but is no longer. so don't sweat it. I promise I don't think about anyone who has had any negative impact on myself or my loved ones. You sound as though you're someone who is still around my extended circle (or being an internet creep. but I hope not) though, so please feel free to message me and talk anytime

Ask.fm: Do you prefer Theatre or Cinema?

I actually had the perfect Cinematic idea this evening at a friend's house.
I grew up in theatre. It is a very very fulfilling thing for me to be a part of and it holds a very large piece of my heart. I thoroughly enjoy both. I'm a huge Shakespeare Fan, but I also love Star Wars and Really Bad Scary movies. They're my favorite :) Plus anything with a Zombie. I'm totally there!