Baby

Everyone self medicates.
If you've had a bad day, and you grab your favorite greasy fast food.
I love a JBC meal from Wendy's with a Large full sugar root beer, with Chili Cheese Fries. There is something very satisfying about eating something extra delicious and extra bad for you.
Who hasn't come home from a particularly disheartening shift at work and rush to a joint, a tall, neat whiskey, or a large glass of red wine.
Tons of women, and men, act like bitchy little children, at some (admittedly humiliating) moment in their life. Almost everyone has drawn on the differences of another person, and made cruel fun of them, to compensate for their own insecurities and hang ups, at the expense of another person.
That's not even to mention all the cocaine and hardcore street drugs drifting around most communities these days.
I do have to say, I believe that hard drugs would be an exponentially smaller an issue if marijuana was legalized and our Canadian Criminal Code, and Justice Systems were reformed to reflect that of a working, productive society. Nevertheless, The situation is what it is.
People still smoke cigarettes. This used to absolutely confound me, although I know understand it for what it is. The only single loophole for which service staff  are able to walk away from a service job shift for 10 minutes and breath.
I now at least appreciate how people could smoke.
I was recently told that France has way more Smokers than The U.S, but on average the people there are much healthier. They attribute the difference to Diet. With rampant obesity on the rise, it's not news that food is a drug to a lot of us, and abused actively and aggressively.
My name is April. and I'm addicted to food.
Alcohol kills foolish amounts of people between impaired drivers and personal alcohol abuse.
Even worse than that is how many legally obtained Prescription Drugs are abused by either their intended, or an unintended user, every single day in Canada.
How many people standing at that Methadone Clinic, you look down your nose at, as you drive to work, are in line because at , they got they hurt, and saw a lazy doctor who was too willing to write a prescription to a hard working good person.
Everyone has pain that they are dealing with. or not dealing with.
This bears repeating.
Every single person has known pain.
If you were bullied, or had less than perfect parents. If you had a toxic, dishonest, self destructive relationship, that left you very insecure. If you struggle with Depression, Anxiety, Loss, Fear or Pain of any kind, it is very unfortunate that you went through that.
Getting through pain, is not an easy thing to do.
You, however, are not special.
Everyone goes through struggles, it's on you to work through it and get over it, or let it ruin your life.
Why does self destruction feel so good?
Why do we all do it.
Everyone gets to make the choices in their life, whether they are good choices that improve it, or bad choices that make their lives unnecessarily difficult.
Who could blame anyone for wanting a break from that to feel good about ourselves?
We all find ways to feel good. Especially when we don't.
So who, but the utterly arrogant, who would assume that it is their business to judge another person for the way they find, to feel good?
It's said that People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones
I just Don't think you should ever under estimate the force of the wind you're throwing them into.

What Really Matters

When my grandfather passed away I had lived through my first semester of University. 3 hours away from where I had grown up as a very sheltered, admittedly ignorant of life experience or maturity.
He was a lot of different things. he'd lived a lot of different versions of himself. Before I was born he had a problem with alcohol. when my father was a child, alcoholism was legitimately a life choice, where I'm from.
After a long time of being very unhappy, and abusing himself with alcohol, he realized how unhappy he made my grand mother and their two children, he stopped all that. Turned over a new leaf and became an entirely different version of himself. A man that I grew up with, who made jokes, and liked cartoons. Who always had candy, and some time for being silly with a child.
When I was a teenage my grand father got cancer. Sadly, there is nothing unique in that sentence. Hundreds of people, lose their loved ones to Cancer every day. It is soul crushing, to continue on filling the space in your heart left by a human being, with a handful of memories. memory is truly bittersweet in that it is always telling us that we can never go backwards.
I an a very fortunate person. My grand father went through radiation treatments. He got very very sick, and then he got better. He came home. He drove me home every single time i went for a run, stopped into his home for a glass of water, and didn't want to run home. The day he left my hometown, to come to the city, for his treatments, My Grand father smoked his last cigarette. He said, "Well that's it", and threw half a pack, into the garbage can. To this day, my grand mother swears that he never touched one again
But in 2008, after my first semester away from home, separated from my family, figuring out what was important to me, my grand father got very sick. he was gone within 72 hours. A few years before, he had undergone a hernia operation. Complications had caused him to quietly, painlessly and quickly, slip away from us.
When my grand mother brought home his clothing from the hospital, she emptied his pockets. for some reason, I took the money left there. some change, nothing bigger than a quarter.
I brought it home and put it in a black silk bag.
I never understood what it meant to me. I often wondered if it meant I was a material person. Was I a bad person, because I couldn't find any significance in anything other than money and stuff?
Today I understand what it means to me. As I clean my house on a rainy Sunday, I find my little black silk bag, behind a photograph of my younger brother. My Grandfather, My dad and my brother all share a lot of common features. so it seemed appropriate to keep family together.
Today I know why I kept the money. Not for the value, but for the symbol. The most valuable thing my grandfather has given me, is humility, awareness, and a willingness to start over.
Both literally, and metaphorically, I kept the closest thing I possible could. I kept Change.

Less Time Online. More Time in Real Life.

I've been away from this for a little bit of time. I'd like to say that I missed it but I've hardly even noticed that I wasn't writing. I've been wondering why I started this, in the first place. What need it was meeting for me to bother to do it. I don't enjoy social media.

I really dislike Facebook, and keep Twitter for local news and support for local business and networking. I don't use any other social media. I don't use Instagram, SnapChat, Pintrest, or even Facebook Messenger. I'm sure there are far more social media outlets that are very popular, I just can't think of any off the top of my head. The Internet is now a very overwhelming place to exist.

So why do I need this pathetic little place to voice my opinions, where (between few and zero) people can read them and understand me? I'm still at a loss for why if anyone reads any of the things I say, despite views and exposure referenced in my "Blogger Insights", but it's protected risk taking. 

Like calling some guy out, from behind your large, violent friend, I may as well be shouting from inside a panic room, in space.

To argue on the internet seems to be such a tiny victory for one's self esteem, or shots taken at an already fragile ego. 

Many would have to agree that the ability to feel good about yourself, and confidently live your life on your own terms is important thing for everyone to have, however getting behind a computer screen, with a spell check, and the whole internet to make you look like an expert, we all get too brave.

A lot of people hold such specific and rigid views and ideals (NOT THAT THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!) that their emotions are tied very closely to things they care about. When things we care about are threatened, we all go into fight or flight mode.

The internet strips debate down to its BORING bare bones.

All you have are words and punctuation. 

Despite all the feelings you put into what you say, The thoughts and metaphors and carefully chosen words and language, internet lacks the ability to display voice, eye contact, gestures, tone of the voice, speaking the words your reading on a computer screen. It's just data. without all the tools of language, you may as well be reading and processing binary code.

What is even worse than our choices for a method of debate, is the fact that despite the intention of someone communicating all of that to us, we fail to read it as the person we are talking to. 

We read it in our own offended, sometimes too defensive voice. When we're arguing with another faceless humanoid, that we  have no emotional connection to, our responsibilities to think before we speak, and show have respect for one another are gone because this relationship is fleeting. its not a person you have any investment in, or something that is in our life. 

Arguing with the people in our lives is more difficult. what if they leave? What if you hurt their feelings, and cant take it back? what if you change this relationship, forever? we do a lot more thinking before we speak, when we care about the words we use.

If we all got off the internet and resumed living in real life, we would see the world a lot differently and our interactions with each other would be much more positive and productive. 

I feel like our society being so vain, and insecure has a lot to do with our new antisocial internet lifestyle. I can't decide which one I think is the metaphorical Chicken and which one is The Egg. 

I don't know why I continue to contribute to this blog and the lifestyle I'm criticizing. I do know, that I am in no way perfect. Aren't we all really just looking for other people to connect with? I don't believe that people want to fight. I believe people want to be understood. They want to be validated, and secure that their version of happiness isn't being threatened. To find others like us to share a version of happiness with. SO shouldn't we all get off the internet and take a more hands on approach to our happiness?

Ask.fm: Do you prefer Theatre or Cinema?

I actually had the perfect Cinematic idea this evening at a friend's house.
I grew up in theatre. It is a very very fulfilling thing for me to be a part of and it holds a very large piece of my heart. I thoroughly enjoy both. I'm a huge Shakespeare Fan, but I also love Star Wars and Really Bad Scary movies. They're my favorite :) Plus anything with a Zombie. I'm totally there!

Actual hindsight.

Is it more important to readjust your goals for a once in a lifetime experience? Or should the initial goal be reassessed once we find a place in life that is a surprise comfort zone.
A relationship, or a job, or a group of friends that brings you happiness are very valuable things to some people. but not to others. How do you give each other what you need and do the things that your partner needs to make them happy, instinctively, when your instincts are completely different from your loved ones.
I have to admit I found myself in a relationship like this. I've never met an Abed who was so completely opposite to myself. He gave the impression of being vain and slow, which I don't fully understand because now that I know 500% more about him then I did back in those early times, I see the things that gave me that impression, and now that I understand them better, I realize that the last things you could ever use to describe him is egotistical or ignorant.
I found him unbelievably attractive. Truth be told I had known who he was for a really long time. We had met at Noisy Nan"s (a popular jam space, a few years back, tons of people always jamming and hanging out. It was fantastic.) and I was all fluttery and embarrassed  Cause I'm me. and that's nothing like being a normal person with a working brain. Anyway this was months before we were ever a couple. I quickly found out that he had a girlfriend. I was a little crushed. But moved on to date someone, I thought I could fix. Thank God I got out of that. Better late then never I suppose.
But I digress. I realize now that being someone with so much emotional need was just as frustrating as being someone with little emotional needs. Abed and I were so different. So we had to spend more time in the other person's shoes then our own, just to connect. The hardest part about communicating differently, and showing your affection and love is different ways is knowing what your partner appreciates, and what they don't recognize as signs of affection. Try to speak someone else's language, before you expect them to speak yours. Try to understand your loved ones
I think the key is not to find what makes you happy. It's to find the person that has all the qualities you love. and if you want to make them happy, maybe you get lucky and that person wants to spend their time making you happy as well. It takes some people a long time to find that person. Some people find it once in a lifetime. If you have found love in your life, you're a very lucky person, so cherish your loved ones. You're lucky to have them.

"Life is only as good as the memories we make"

video killed the industry

So I have made a couple of significant changes this week. A lot is happening. My apologies for not being around.
I began my career on Monday Morning. I'm now an Independent Insurance Agent working for AIL.  Selling Life, accident and Cancer insurance, among other kinds. I'm working with people to find ways to meet their needs and provide for themselves and it feels amazing. Selling Insurance doesn't sound like it woulds be very exciting. But it sort of is. My Co Workers are amazing. My office is here in town, I work whenever I want and I have an extensive, very generous benefits program. I have picked out one of the policies that my company offers, for myself and I'm providing for my whole life, at a very affordable cost because I'm so young.
It's a very exciting position to be in, but it was in no way easy. My education began with a 21 day online program. Paid for by my employer. Which ended with a multiple choice evaluation, of 140 questions. I'm not trying to slight this exam at all. It costs $100 to do. My company also paid that for the first one, and that exam was so horrifying that I left the exam room feeling violated. I scored 54% on the $100 Free Exam. I needed 60%. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I just went and booked the second one. paid the $100 myself, and wrote it again in two weeks.
2 days later I was at the Confederation Building having my licence processed and given to me. Tuesday and Wednesday, After some training, Jenn took me out in the field with her. We drove to Old Shop and New Harbour, meeting clients and helping them find solutions to their concerns.
People are always so relieved and relaxed after they take care of this stuff. Nobody wants to think about getting older. it's depressing, when you have so much left that you want to do. But making some arrangements now so you (or your family) don't have to in the future is one of the most affordable, important, generous things you can do for your family and loved ones.
So many people lay awake at night, with a seriously ill parent, and worries about their parents, and their own families being in this unfortunate, devastating position.
That's what it comes down to for me. I've never slept well. I can't fall asleep well, i don't stay asleep, and when I wake up I have a hard time getting back to sleep. My mind races. It's mainly the fault of an onset anxiety disorder that I possess. Jealous right?
But there are other people who go to sleep a little easier because of the work I do. Because i care and and I'm a sensitive person so I can't help but attach myself to my work a little. Maybe that is wrong. or stupid. But maybe it means that i actually care, and I have a conscience and that will make me really really good at it.

I've worked in a lot of industries that were much too rough for me. Partially because I used to think that at some point I felt I had to. That it was everyone's duty to do something that was difficult for someone other than yourself. That was being a human being, and finding another human being to love.. I still believe people owe it to the world to be kind to each other and to strive for peace and harmony. that will never change. but I didn't have to do it, like I thought I did. I think I just had to prove to myself that I could do all those things. I had to prove to myself that while I wanted a comfortable life, I didn't need one to be happy. But my goodness it helps.
Nobody ever put more pressure on me than I put on myself. In every aspect of my life. That is a flaw I will be working to fix, probably for the rest of my life. Thank God I have an amazing insurance package*.

My ideal job is based on morals, and acting in good conscience, and talking with people. It's connecting with people and adding to the value of their life. It's a lot easier to fall asleep at night knowing you made it easier for a few other people around the city to fall asleep that night. if you look hard enough. You will always find what you are looking for. You just have to make sure your looking for the right things.

*PROTIP: buy insurance when you're young. it costs pennies on the dollar (literally) and you'll never lose it. Invest in yourself, and others will too.

Formspring Question #7! What a week!

Solo1 Asks: 

How do you handle it when you can't get any sleep? Is sleep a problem for you?

Sleeping has ALWAYS been a problem for me. Ever since I was a little girl, I could never ever fall asleep. I could never ever stay asleep and as a result, I have spent truckloads of money on eye treatments/products and caffeinated beverages. I have a large variety of allergies and sensitivities. So medications affect me a great deal....I'm your standard pale kid.

I find a white noise app on my phone really good for helping fall asleep though. As soon as I move out of downtown St. Johns, the staying asleep will get easier.
I also love going to sleep on a full stomach. I know it's so bad for me, but I do it all the time

Anyone else have some tips for people like Solo1 and Myself? How do you cope with your insomnia issues? Tell me at HundredThousandMistakes to remain anonymous or leave a comment right here!