My neck hurts. The closer I get to being 30, the easier it seems to be, to hurt myself, without even understanding how. I have no idea how I hurt my neck. I spent most of last night tossing and turning, trying to find a position that didn't send shooting pain, up into my brain, and down my back. As a result, I'm home, taking a sick day, to enjoy the headache and radiating pain, in the privacy of my own home.
Getting older is lame. When your a kid, all you want to do is be an adult. what's the appeal? You can eat cookies whenever you want to, stay up as late as you want, and buy alcohol. But nobody tells you that your metabolism kicks out around 25, and your body rejects being awake after 10:30pm, shortly after that.
So now your in your 30's. Enjoying a michelob ultra (watching those carbs now), at 9pm before starting a 45 minute skin care routine. You fall into your bed exhausted because now you wake up at 6:30 every day, like some barn yard animal.
Half your friends have trades, so they work on shifts. 5 days on, 5 days off, etc. You and more of your friends work a regular 9-5. Others are still in school, because none of us really know what we wanted to be when we grew up.
So you can't coordinate your schedules or any disposable income to socialize, or see each other. For a lot of us, the appeal of drinking is gone once you can do it freely and legally. If your a petite body type like myself, you may realize that your really bad at alcohol, and opt to not really drink all that often. So that avenue of socializing is out.
Even if you could get everyone on the same page, everyone is so tired and plagued by social anxieties and other mental health issues that nobody wants to leave their house anyway.
Don't misunderstand me. I hated being a teenager. High school was a nightmare, and I'm very satisfied living on my own terms, in my own lifestyle. But with friends you can't see, Money you can't spend and time you can't waste, it's a sad state of affairs that is only slightly better than living in your parent's basement.
When you consider having someone else do your laundry, cooking your meals, and do your grocery shopping, it's a small wonder that any of us ever left at all. How old is too old to move back in with your parents?
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Showing posts with label learning. Show all posts
Tuesday, 8 September 2015
Sunday, 23 August 2015
What Really Matters
When my grandfather passed away I had lived through my first semester of University. 3 hours away from where I had grown up as a very sheltered, admittedly ignorant of life experience or maturity.
He was a lot of different things. he'd lived a lot of different versions of himself. Before I was born he had a problem with alcohol. when my father was a child, alcoholism was legitimately a life choice, where I'm from.
After a long time of being very unhappy, and abusing himself with alcohol, he realized how unhappy he made my grand mother and their two children, he stopped all that. Turned over a new leaf and became an entirely different version of himself. A man that I grew up with, who made jokes, and liked cartoons. Who always had candy, and some time for being silly with a child.
When I was a teenage my grand father got cancer. Sadly, there is nothing unique in that sentence. Hundreds of people, lose their loved ones to Cancer every day. It is soul crushing, to continue on filling the space in your heart left by a human being, with a handful of memories. memory is truly bittersweet in that it is always telling us that we can never go backwards.
I an a very fortunate person. My grand father went through radiation treatments. He got very very sick, and then he got better. He came home. He drove me home every single time i went for a run, stopped into his home for a glass of water, and didn't want to run home. The day he left my hometown, to come to the city, for his treatments, My Grand father smoked his last cigarette. He said, "Well that's it", and threw half a pack, into the garbage can. To this day, my grand mother swears that he never touched one again
But in 2008, after my first semester away from home, separated from my family, figuring out what was important to me, my grand father got very sick. he was gone within 72 hours. A few years before, he had undergone a hernia operation. Complications had caused him to quietly, painlessly and quickly, slip away from us.
When my grand mother brought home his clothing from the hospital, she emptied his pockets. for some reason, I took the money left there. some change, nothing bigger than a quarter.
I brought it home and put it in a black silk bag.
I never understood what it meant to me. I often wondered if it meant I was a material person. Was I a bad person, because I couldn't find any significance in anything other than money and stuff?
Today I understand what it means to me. As I clean my house on a rainy Sunday, I find my little black silk bag, behind a photograph of my younger brother. My Grandfather, My dad and my brother all share a lot of common features. so it seemed appropriate to keep family together.
Today I know why I kept the money. Not for the value, but for the symbol. The most valuable thing my grandfather has given me, is humility, awareness, and a willingness to start over.
Both literally, and metaphorically, I kept the closest thing I possible could. I kept Change.
He was a lot of different things. he'd lived a lot of different versions of himself. Before I was born he had a problem with alcohol. when my father was a child, alcoholism was legitimately a life choice, where I'm from.
After a long time of being very unhappy, and abusing himself with alcohol, he realized how unhappy he made my grand mother and their two children, he stopped all that. Turned over a new leaf and became an entirely different version of himself. A man that I grew up with, who made jokes, and liked cartoons. Who always had candy, and some time for being silly with a child.
When I was a teenage my grand father got cancer. Sadly, there is nothing unique in that sentence. Hundreds of people, lose their loved ones to Cancer every day. It is soul crushing, to continue on filling the space in your heart left by a human being, with a handful of memories. memory is truly bittersweet in that it is always telling us that we can never go backwards.
I an a very fortunate person. My grand father went through radiation treatments. He got very very sick, and then he got better. He came home. He drove me home every single time i went for a run, stopped into his home for a glass of water, and didn't want to run home. The day he left my hometown, to come to the city, for his treatments, My Grand father smoked his last cigarette. He said, "Well that's it", and threw half a pack, into the garbage can. To this day, my grand mother swears that he never touched one again
But in 2008, after my first semester away from home, separated from my family, figuring out what was important to me, my grand father got very sick. he was gone within 72 hours. A few years before, he had undergone a hernia operation. Complications had caused him to quietly, painlessly and quickly, slip away from us.
When my grand mother brought home his clothing from the hospital, she emptied his pockets. for some reason, I took the money left there. some change, nothing bigger than a quarter.
I brought it home and put it in a black silk bag.
I never understood what it meant to me. I often wondered if it meant I was a material person. Was I a bad person, because I couldn't find any significance in anything other than money and stuff?
Today I understand what it means to me. As I clean my house on a rainy Sunday, I find my little black silk bag, behind a photograph of my younger brother. My Grandfather, My dad and my brother all share a lot of common features. so it seemed appropriate to keep family together.
Today I know why I kept the money. Not for the value, but for the symbol. The most valuable thing my grandfather has given me, is humility, awareness, and a willingness to start over.
Both literally, and metaphorically, I kept the closest thing I possible could. I kept Change.
Wednesday, 27 May 2015
I could very well, become an adult, soon.
So yesterday I learned what it was to be in a situation where you "Can't Even".
This was always an odd thing to me. I never understood why an inability to articulate the language you should know, "off by heart", as they say, became a thing to encourage.
But yesterday, I had such a day, that I am sure that I could not find the words to articular my frustration properly, and so I couldn't even...
Now, as unnerving as THAT was
This evening, I experienced what I understand to be "fangirling" when I tweeted something positive to Sarah Blackwood, in support of her current upset with United Airlines. Not particularly known for their caliber of customer satisfaction. way less stoked for my trip to New York this summer. But I digress.
I send a positive message with a silly video. I am such a fan of this girl. I used to love The Creepshow, a Toronto band, when she was their vocalist. I fell away from their music but I became such a giant fan of her projects and her as a person, and a women role model for people to look up to. Walk Off The Earth have some of my favorite videos on the whole internet. Their music is creative, and honest and so full of innovation that I'm considering leaving Newfoundland just to see them perform live somewhere in Canada soon.
Granted the picture of three baby goats, wearing sweaters and making precious sounds, did the majority of the work, She favorited my tweets. She retweeted my tweets. I shreked like a 4 year old, with a set of car keys dangling above my heads. Attention! from someone I admire!! Just bliss.
Is it possible that I'm slowly starting to understand how to relax and behave like a normal human being...? I'm not sure how I feel about this to be honest...
This was always an odd thing to me. I never understood why an inability to articulate the language you should know, "off by heart", as they say, became a thing to encourage.
But yesterday, I had such a day, that I am sure that I could not find the words to articular my frustration properly, and so I couldn't even...
Now, as unnerving as THAT was
This evening, I experienced what I understand to be "fangirling" when I tweeted something positive to Sarah Blackwood, in support of her current upset with United Airlines. Not particularly known for their caliber of customer satisfaction. way less stoked for my trip to New York this summer. But I digress.
I send a positive message with a silly video. I am such a fan of this girl. I used to love The Creepshow, a Toronto band, when she was their vocalist. I fell away from their music but I became such a giant fan of her projects and her as a person, and a women role model for people to look up to. Walk Off The Earth have some of my favorite videos on the whole internet. Their music is creative, and honest and so full of innovation that I'm considering leaving Newfoundland just to see them perform live somewhere in Canada soon.
Granted the picture of three baby goats, wearing sweaters and making precious sounds, did the majority of the work, She favorited my tweets. She retweeted my tweets. I shreked like a 4 year old, with a set of car keys dangling above my heads. Attention! from someone I admire!! Just bliss.
Is it possible that I'm slowly starting to understand how to relax and behave like a normal human being...? I'm not sure how I feel about this to be honest...
Thursday, 27 February 2014
Speaking Greek
I've failed on the blog front pretty bad. Boyfriend is out of the province and I promised myself I would make use of the time alone to change some things that I want to. I've put a lot of time into work and its really paying off. I've been eating really well, and getting a mild amount of exercise and as a result, I am feeling pretty great too.
I guess I find it easier to writing, when I'm unhappy. Complaining comes more naturally to me I guess.
Not that, that makes me any different, I'm sure it's a general humanity kind of thing.
I'm thinking of trying to learn Greek with Rosetta Stone. I work in a Greek restaurant for Greek people. If that weren't enough of a reason to learn a new language, Boyfriend and I are planning a trip to Greece in the near future. Just seems like something that will make my life easier in the future.
I guess I find it easier to writing, when I'm unhappy. Complaining comes more naturally to me I guess.
Not that, that makes me any different, I'm sure it's a general humanity kind of thing.
I'm thinking of trying to learn Greek with Rosetta Stone. I work in a Greek restaurant for Greek people. If that weren't enough of a reason to learn a new language, Boyfriend and I are planning a trip to Greece in the near future. Just seems like something that will make my life easier in the future.
Wednesday, 29 January 2014
Job Prospects
So I'm newly handling the social media for the restaurant where I work. They're interacting and sharing on Twitter as @mamasoulasnl and can be reached via email at mamasoulasnl@gmail.com. admittedly a little grass roots but it's a start, and that is generally the most complicated and difficult step. I've been passively promoting them via my own personal Facebook and Twitter accounts since before Christmas and have noticed a considerable difference in consistency.
It was very nice to present my ideas with some minor results to back it up. I don't have a fancy Media Manager title just yet but I'm realizing how lucrative it is to be a little ambitious when you see an opportunity. Maybe I'll work up the nerve to ask for that after I have a few months worth of positive results to show for my efforts.
If you're on Twitter follow Mama Soula's and myself (@obviouslyADL) to keep up to date, and share info with your friends and followers. You're St. John's Friends will thank you :)
It was very nice to present my ideas with some minor results to back it up. I don't have a fancy Media Manager title just yet but I'm realizing how lucrative it is to be a little ambitious when you see an opportunity. Maybe I'll work up the nerve to ask for that after I have a few months worth of positive results to show for my efforts.
If you're on Twitter follow Mama Soula's and myself (@obviouslyADL) to keep up to date, and share info with your friends and followers. You're St. John's Friends will thank you :)
Sunday, 15 December 2013
Now some ask.fm Answers
These are actual answers submitted by teens and young adults to questions on Ask.fm I believe that adding positive actions to any situation makes it better so I want to highlight some of the amazing statements given to an anonymous question.
Q. What do you think of all the haters that use Ask.fm? do you pay any attention?
*They all have their own issues they need to deal with. So they take it out on other people. It's like the popular girls at school that are mean to everyone. They're insecure and think little of themselves but come down on everyone else just so they can put themselves up on a pedestal. I on the other hand don't do that. I try to be really nice to other peopleQ. If you knew someone was doing wrong and hurting someone, would you reveal their identity
*yes (3)
*Probably (5)
*of course (1)
It's good to know that somewhere out there parents are still raising and taking responsibility for good children who will grow up and be good people.
The Questions keep coming :)
All anons this week! Keep the questions and shares coming! I love it!
how do you handle creative blocks? what do you recommend to someone who feels stifled in their creative endeavors but wishes to overcome these?
I think the first thing to decide is what is stifling you in the first place. What is it that you want to say, and why can't you just say it. Everyone needs an outlet for self expression and creativity, but it's up to you to find your means of expressing yourself, in a way that makes you happy without interfering with other people. I personally don't put pressure on myself to create at all. When something inspires me to write, I express what I have to say about the topic. If someone asks me a question I will respond in the best way that I know how. You cannot force creativity. it must come from an organic desire to express oneself. Find what inspires you and express it, as long as you're not interfering with, or abusing other people in the process. Nobody's happiness is worth the suffering of another person, your personal feelings are irrelevantIf you had to live the rest of your life in a movie which one would you pick?
How do you deal with liars?
The funny thing about liars is often they are not smart enough to not get caught. So they get caught and have to lie in the bed they made for themselvesSome New Ask.FM questions!
Asked by Anon at Ask.fm/HundredThousand
Q: See my best friend complains all day and I didn't say anything about it for a couple of years and then today and I told her to stop complaining and be more positive and she got all mad and now she won't talk to me or hangout with me and ugh :(
You should explain to your friend that you never wanted to hurt her feelings. That's probably why you didn't say anything all along. It's difficult to say something when you know it will likely hurt someone. Especially when it's your best friend and her feelings mean a lot to you. I've learned that it's only someone who really cares about you that will tell you the truth, even when you don't want to hear it, and everyone needs to check their attitude from time to time. I'm sure you two will work it out. Just talk to her. She can't stay mad forever.
Q: See my best friend complains all day and I didn't say anything about it for a couple of years and then today and I told her to stop complaining and be more positive and she got all mad and now she won't talk to me or hangout with me and ugh :(
You should explain to your friend that you never wanted to hurt her feelings. That's probably why you didn't say anything all along. It's difficult to say something when you know it will likely hurt someone. Especially when it's your best friend and her feelings mean a lot to you. I've learned that it's only someone who really cares about you that will tell you the truth, even when you don't want to hear it, and everyone needs to check their attitude from time to time. I'm sure you two will work it out. Just talk to her. She can't stay mad forever.
Tuesday, 26 November 2013
Kid Rant
I'm so bloody sick and tired of people using the word Bully. I hate it. It's a scapegoat to hide behind, and a poor excuse to escape taking ownership of a lack of parenting.
I think that everything is just to easy now. I was bullied as a child. Like most people. It's a natural part of life to meet with aggression at some points and to learn how to deal with it. Kids will be kids. It's up to parents to be parents.
If your kid is being bullied on the internet, then she needs to not be on the internet. You can't control everyone that your child comes in contact. and you can let them run off on their own to fall on their face all the time. Reason would say that at some point you have to stop letting "your" iPad occupy your children, while the internet raises them and you watch dancing with the stars.
There were on computers when I was born. At some point in grade school we got one, and later on moved onto having the internet and limited internet time. the key word there LIMITED I was allowed to be on the computer for 1 hour.
There is no point in lying, I found some bad stuff on the internet. Natural curiosity is going to cause anyone to go looking for something thought to be taboo, for any number of reasons. But I was raised actively by two parents who spent time with me. They taught me right from wrong, so when I saw an ad that was bad, seemed like a virus or was just plain lewd, I simply viewed it as a waste of time. vulgarity was always something my mother repulsed. to this day she does not swear and scolds my 27 year old self every time I curse in her presence. I suppose in a lot of ways I had it easy. There was no internet to isolate me. and when there was, my parents had a problem with it.
It bothers me to see parents handing off their cellphone or tablet and letting the child stare, poking a touchscreen the entire time they are in a restaurant. It is not a tool to allow parents to act as though they didn't choose to become parents. It's a full-time job being a parent. It takes a lot of work. If you want a night off (as I'll be the first to say, any parent is entitled to) get a sitter and enjoy a night alone. If you want to have family dinner leave all the electronics at home and spend a couple of hours with your kids. Please don't let the internet raise your kids. It will make them stupid and obese and disappointments to you, and everyone else.
It's a task that I know, myself, I am not up to. I'm not cut out to be a parent at all, and I believe that if more people took that notion more seriously, and assessed if they were or were not able to raise a child properly, and took the proper intelligent, well known, correct methods to protect themselves, we wouldn't have such an over populated social service system, to be so underfunded. We can't increase budgets with money that we do not have. We have to decrease need to lighten the load on everything.
I think that everything is just to easy now. I was bullied as a child. Like most people. It's a natural part of life to meet with aggression at some points and to learn how to deal with it. Kids will be kids. It's up to parents to be parents.
If your kid is being bullied on the internet, then she needs to not be on the internet. You can't control everyone that your child comes in contact. and you can let them run off on their own to fall on their face all the time. Reason would say that at some point you have to stop letting "your" iPad occupy your children, while the internet raises them and you watch dancing with the stars.
There were on computers when I was born. At some point in grade school we got one, and later on moved onto having the internet and limited internet time. the key word there LIMITED I was allowed to be on the computer for 1 hour.
There is no point in lying, I found some bad stuff on the internet. Natural curiosity is going to cause anyone to go looking for something thought to be taboo, for any number of reasons. But I was raised actively by two parents who spent time with me. They taught me right from wrong, so when I saw an ad that was bad, seemed like a virus or was just plain lewd, I simply viewed it as a waste of time. vulgarity was always something my mother repulsed. to this day she does not swear and scolds my 27 year old self every time I curse in her presence. I suppose in a lot of ways I had it easy. There was no internet to isolate me. and when there was, my parents had a problem with it.
It bothers me to see parents handing off their cellphone or tablet and letting the child stare, poking a touchscreen the entire time they are in a restaurant. It is not a tool to allow parents to act as though they didn't choose to become parents. It's a full-time job being a parent. It takes a lot of work. If you want a night off (as I'll be the first to say, any parent is entitled to) get a sitter and enjoy a night alone. If you want to have family dinner leave all the electronics at home and spend a couple of hours with your kids. Please don't let the internet raise your kids. It will make them stupid and obese and disappointments to you, and everyone else.
It's a task that I know, myself, I am not up to. I'm not cut out to be a parent at all, and I believe that if more people took that notion more seriously, and assessed if they were or were not able to raise a child properly, and took the proper intelligent, well known, correct methods to protect themselves, we wouldn't have such an over populated social service system, to be so underfunded. We can't increase budgets with money that we do not have. We have to decrease need to lighten the load on everything.
Thursday, 24 October 2013
Ask.Fm inspired post.
Ask.Fm asks:
What scares you more than anything else?
I think being alone is what I am most afraid of. Not on a day to day basis. I really enjoy spending some time alone. But my biggest fear is having every relationship not work out, and ending up alone, without love. Some relationships just don't work out. Some people are just too different or need different things out of life. It isn't anyone's fault if they aren't exactly what YOU need. As much as it really sucks a lot of the time, There is nothing you can do about that except get over it and move on. But I digress. Not having a partner, to share my life with, scares me the most.
What scares you more than anything else?
I think being alone is what I am most afraid of. Not on a day to day basis. I really enjoy spending some time alone. But my biggest fear is having every relationship not work out, and ending up alone, without love. Some relationships just don't work out. Some people are just too different or need different things out of life. It isn't anyone's fault if they aren't exactly what YOU need. As much as it really sucks a lot of the time, There is nothing you can do about that except get over it and move on. But I digress. Not having a partner, to share my life with, scares me the most.
Thursday, 17 October 2013
Ask.FM Traffic
Anon Question: "What advice would you give to guys who want to try and know a pretty lady intimately,mentally and physically, without coming off too aggressive, or too passive"
#HTM: First of all, Be Honest. Look at the situation objectively. Is this person in a relationship already? Do you think that they share your feelings? Do you really know them or are you just too excited about a little crush? Be mature and up front with her. She deserves to know your feelings but its not up to her to make you happy. Sometimes things work out better than you had hoped. But sometimes it doesn't work out at all the way you want, and all you can do is get over it and move on, in search of happiness for yourself.
#HTM: First of all, Be Honest. Look at the situation objectively. Is this person in a relationship already? Do you think that they share your feelings? Do you really know them or are you just too excited about a little crush? Be mature and up front with her. She deserves to know your feelings but its not up to her to make you happy. Sometimes things work out better than you had hoped. But sometimes it doesn't work out at all the way you want, and all you can do is get over it and move on, in search of happiness for yourself.
Wednesday, 16 October 2013
Orange Leaves, and Hoodie Sleeves
I'm having a lot of trouble writing again. I suppose to don't really have that much to say. I've been working as much as possible and had a lovely, eventful Thanksgiving Weekend. (Canadian Thanksgiving, Obviously)
I've been working as much as possible and I'm finally seeing it pay off. I'm finally starting to get ahead, and the optimism it's given me is like being revived. For a long time I thought it was impossible to advance or get ahead. A lot of set backs had me very discouraged. But I'm getting there and it's a fantastic feeling. Making Headway. I'm starting to think that life is really all about the little things. I see retirement commercials telling me to spend my youth working all day every day so I can be rich when I'm 65 and falling apart. I don't see value in that. I think we should work hard some time and relax, play and enjoy our lives some time. I'd rather have a lifetime of memories when I'm 65. Not disposable income.
To be life is about all the stuff that happens in between. The Bar-B-Q's and Halloween parties and softball games and New Years. Life loses it's luster and excitement when you look at it like it's 75+ years. It's 39 000 000 Moments. The only determining factor is your own potential for happiness, and how you choose to remember all those moments.
This change on outlook has really helped me to keep things in prospective. This was a massive positive change that adds to my happiness and mental health.
Another exciting thing that has happened is that Friends of mine got engaged last weekend. and She asked me to be her maid of honor. I'm kind of a control freak, I really enjoy planning and organizing and designing and being very hands on in endeavors. This will be a challenge for me to not take over. But I'm very excited to do all the M.O.H. duties. I just don't really know what they are yet.
I've been working as much as possible and I'm finally seeing it pay off. I'm finally starting to get ahead, and the optimism it's given me is like being revived. For a long time I thought it was impossible to advance or get ahead. A lot of set backs had me very discouraged. But I'm getting there and it's a fantastic feeling. Making Headway. I'm starting to think that life is really all about the little things. I see retirement commercials telling me to spend my youth working all day every day so I can be rich when I'm 65 and falling apart. I don't see value in that. I think we should work hard some time and relax, play and enjoy our lives some time. I'd rather have a lifetime of memories when I'm 65. Not disposable income.
To be life is about all the stuff that happens in between. The Bar-B-Q's and Halloween parties and softball games and New Years. Life loses it's luster and excitement when you look at it like it's 75+ years. It's 39 000 000 Moments. The only determining factor is your own potential for happiness, and how you choose to remember all those moments.
This change on outlook has really helped me to keep things in prospective. This was a massive positive change that adds to my happiness and mental health.
Another exciting thing that has happened is that Friends of mine got engaged last weekend. and She asked me to be her maid of honor. I'm kind of a control freak, I really enjoy planning and organizing and designing and being very hands on in endeavors. This will be a challenge for me to not take over. But I'm very excited to do all the M.O.H. duties. I just don't really know what they are yet.
Tuesday, 1 October 2013
Artistic Process
I thought I missed acting.
So I decided to audition for a play. I got the part I wanted. Nothing too serious. not too much pressure. but still quite challenging for me personally.
I love the play. I love my part, but rehearsal becomes tedious at the end of the week. Actors are often very insecure people. They need a lot of praise and attention and take "creative feedback" in weird and unpredictable ways. It's unbelievably tedious to be in a room full of people so much like myself.
In a lot of ways I'm freaking awesome. But I have a lot of flaws that I don't realize, until they irritate me about somebody else. I feel as though this probably makes me an awful person but I am who I am and I can't change that. Being in a room with with a few different things you hate about yourself for 3 hours at a time is daunting. Being the target of obnoxious, ignorant ego makes it kind of worse.
I still like the play a lot. and it's nice to see some friends that I used to work with when I was involved with a lot of this stuff. But after working a long day on my feet, making few tips on $13 Breakfasts Specials*, I don't want to go to a room where I know there will be an insecure, obnoxious, attention-starved, really, really sad person. It's not an environment I would choose to be in, if not for the obligation. But I can't stop acting because of the people in that whole social deal. It's just such a shame that it's such a small scene in our city that the same people will always be around.
I feel as though I was going somewhere with all of this. Or maybe I just had to vent the frustration of a good day that got better then ending in a crappy way. It's disappointing really.
Also, non of them are fans of Seinfeld. They don't get a single hilariously well times Seinfeld reference that I make. I don't have any other really strong ways of communicating with people. So my hands are a little tied here. How can I exist in their world? Being an actor for me is like when the paralyzed soldier in Avatar, gets in the tube to be a blue thing and have a different life. Probably more like an Animorph actually. Where if I stay as an actor for too long I have to stay that way. Also if you don't know what the Animorph's are you have a lot of reading to do.
* This is not to say that I have an issue with the tippers, or the breakfast crowd. Some of my favorite regulars are brunch on Saturday and Sunday. It's just not as expensive as other meals. Most people tip on a percentage of 10%-20% of their bill. So obviously if the bill is less the tip is less.
So I decided to audition for a play. I got the part I wanted. Nothing too serious. not too much pressure. but still quite challenging for me personally.
I love the play. I love my part, but rehearsal becomes tedious at the end of the week. Actors are often very insecure people. They need a lot of praise and attention and take "creative feedback" in weird and unpredictable ways. It's unbelievably tedious to be in a room full of people so much like myself.
In a lot of ways I'm freaking awesome. But I have a lot of flaws that I don't realize, until they irritate me about somebody else. I feel as though this probably makes me an awful person but I am who I am and I can't change that. Being in a room with with a few different things you hate about yourself for 3 hours at a time is daunting. Being the target of obnoxious, ignorant ego makes it kind of worse.
I still like the play a lot. and it's nice to see some friends that I used to work with when I was involved with a lot of this stuff. But after working a long day on my feet, making few tips on $13 Breakfasts Specials*, I don't want to go to a room where I know there will be an insecure, obnoxious, attention-starved, really, really sad person. It's not an environment I would choose to be in, if not for the obligation. But I can't stop acting because of the people in that whole social deal. It's just such a shame that it's such a small scene in our city that the same people will always be around.
I feel as though I was going somewhere with all of this. Or maybe I just had to vent the frustration of a good day that got better then ending in a crappy way. It's disappointing really.
Also, non of them are fans of Seinfeld. They don't get a single hilariously well times Seinfeld reference that I make. I don't have any other really strong ways of communicating with people. So my hands are a little tied here. How can I exist in their world? Being an actor for me is like when the paralyzed soldier in Avatar, gets in the tube to be a blue thing and have a different life. Probably more like an Animorph actually. Where if I stay as an actor for too long I have to stay that way. Also if you don't know what the Animorph's are you have a lot of reading to do.
* This is not to say that I have an issue with the tippers, or the breakfast crowd. Some of my favorite regulars are brunch on Saturday and Sunday. It's just not as expensive as other meals. Most people tip on a percentage of 10%-20% of their bill. So obviously if the bill is less the tip is less.
Wednesday, 25 September 2013
human facepalm
I was so impressed by you.
I wanted you to think that I was funny, or smart or clever and see something in me that you wanted. I've never had any issue attracting men. Men much more successful, better looking, smarter and a hell of a lot smoother than you. So why did I need you to like me so bad? you never even treated me very well, and sex with you allowed me to make many a grocery list in my head. You made no effort because you probably didn't care if I liked you or not. You loved you enough for both of us.
The worst part I was completely crushed when you wanted to stop seeing me, saying you gave it a shot and I just was not special.
Now, looking back on all of that I feel very stupid. I wasted so much time on you. Reading your stupid, masturbatory blog, and watching you ruin stand up shows, and bomb performances, out of laziness and a spoiled, self important attitude. You want all of the things your friends and family have, without having to give any respect, care, concern or work to get them. Life simply doesn't work that way.
You were a bad boyfriend, but I'm fairly sure that is because you are a spoiled, thoughtless, self centered person. I should be able to tie this into "you can't make a ho a housewife" somehow but I just can't seem to get there right now. One of these days maybe I'll edit this.
It's hilarious to see you anywhere in public, like this morning, desperately trying to act like you don't notice anything or anyone around you, even though you had the foresight to get as far away from me as possible and hide behind a rack of motor oil. Overkill much?
Much less is the fact that I actually paid attention to you, when you talked, and I understand that you wouldn't even know what to look for in an automotive section anywhere. Yet another flaw in your lack of a personality
The worst part about being really smart (government tested and proven "gifted intelligence" thank you very much) is when you see other people who really think they are. They never seem to have the intelligence to recognize courtesy, compassion or good manners as valuable things. Like being smart entitles you to being a rude, obnoxious jackass. In actually its an abundance of ignorance makes someone so uncouth and repulsive.* Not intelligence.
For a really long I thought about you. and obsessed about what was wrong with me. The only thing wrong with me is that I didn't walk away from you sooner then you made me. I didn't love myself enough to know you were a total waste of time. But now I do, so thank you for a lesson learned the hard way.
*There is nothing less attractive than rude, ignorant behavior. Joking at someone's expense, Correcting people in front of friends, or picking fights with other people around. You're a neanderthal and it's hideous. Stop cutting down others to make up for your own shortcoming. it's very transparent and pathetic.
I wanted you to think that I was funny, or smart or clever and see something in me that you wanted. I've never had any issue attracting men. Men much more successful, better looking, smarter and a hell of a lot smoother than you. So why did I need you to like me so bad? you never even treated me very well, and sex with you allowed me to make many a grocery list in my head. You made no effort because you probably didn't care if I liked you or not. You loved you enough for both of us.
The worst part I was completely crushed when you wanted to stop seeing me, saying you gave it a shot and I just was not special.
Now, looking back on all of that I feel very stupid. I wasted so much time on you. Reading your stupid, masturbatory blog, and watching you ruin stand up shows, and bomb performances, out of laziness and a spoiled, self important attitude. You want all of the things your friends and family have, without having to give any respect, care, concern or work to get them. Life simply doesn't work that way.
You were a bad boyfriend, but I'm fairly sure that is because you are a spoiled, thoughtless, self centered person. I should be able to tie this into "you can't make a ho a housewife" somehow but I just can't seem to get there right now. One of these days maybe I'll edit this.
It's hilarious to see you anywhere in public, like this morning, desperately trying to act like you don't notice anything or anyone around you, even though you had the foresight to get as far away from me as possible and hide behind a rack of motor oil. Overkill much?
Much less is the fact that I actually paid attention to you, when you talked, and I understand that you wouldn't even know what to look for in an automotive section anywhere. Yet another flaw in your lack of a personality
The worst part about being really smart (government tested and proven "gifted intelligence" thank you very much) is when you see other people who really think they are. They never seem to have the intelligence to recognize courtesy, compassion or good manners as valuable things. Like being smart entitles you to being a rude, obnoxious jackass. In actually its an abundance of ignorance makes someone so uncouth and repulsive.* Not intelligence.
For a really long I thought about you. and obsessed about what was wrong with me. The only thing wrong with me is that I didn't walk away from you sooner then you made me. I didn't love myself enough to know you were a total waste of time. But now I do, so thank you for a lesson learned the hard way.
*There is nothing less attractive than rude, ignorant behavior. Joking at someone's expense, Correcting people in front of friends, or picking fights with other people around. You're a neanderthal and it's hideous. Stop cutting down others to make up for your own shortcoming. it's very transparent and pathetic.
Born Wrong
I very much think that I was born in the wrong body. I was not meant to live in a woman's body. I have no idea about social norms. I can't relate to anyone ever. I now believe that I was supposed to be born a house cat.
My cat's don't give a shit about anything. They walk on whatever they want. They don't give a fuck if anyone notices them, or is mad at them. They don't care about breaking things or destroying anything. I can't decide if I believe they have the capacity for malicious activity or reactions. But they probably do. and no matter what you can't stay mad at them for more than a couple days. It's impossible. No matter how many mistakes they make.
I think I should have been born as one of these furry, adorable, life ruining monsters. So being a person is very different and difficult for me. I think that rather than figuring out who I am, I'm learning all the kind of people I don't want to be.
I think I expected this to me a much bigger thought then it ended up being. I do know that as a human being
I have the day off, a bowl of yummy herb pasta, some video games to play and a little grass to assist the old attention span*. Now I attempt to enjoy some much needed time alone while I get back to my smithing in Whiterun :)
*Mild ADHD, combined with SAD and moderate depression. My head is a broken playground. smoking grass helps better than all the meds I've been prescribed over the years with exponentially less side effects. I'm actually very hopeful that it will be legalized in the next few years. That will make my life, health and prescriptions much much easier to manage.
Wednesday, 14 August 2013
Watch Your Mouth
Yesterday while I was at work, my boss (newly back from vacation) told me a story that I want everyone to know. When I asked my boss how his vacation was, he said that his time in Toronto was amazing. he loved the people, and the shopping and all the things to do. But going to Cuba was absolutely a mistake. He told me that the resort he went to was advertised at a 5 star resort, and he really did his homework on booking and where to stay. when the got there it was more like a 2 or 3. This was upsetting but they made the most of it. the people were nice, the staff were friendly. until going on a bus tour.
My boss is from South Africa. Picture Uncle Jessie from The Dukes of Hazard except He is highly intelligent and speaks perfect English (among a dozen other languages) and keeps himself clean shaven. He always wears suspenders. What I'm saying is this is the cutest dude in the whole world. I want him to be my grandfather
My boss is from South Africa. Picture Uncle Jessie from The Dukes of Hazard except He is highly intelligent and speaks perfect English (among a dozen other languages) and keeps himself clean shaven. He always wears suspenders. What I'm saying is this is the cutest dude in the whole world. I want him to be my grandfather
So when the tour guide asked who was from Canada, and then asked if anyone was from Newfoundland, He decided to keep quiet, in the interest of seeing what the man had to say.
It was not impressive. The man proceeded to talk down about us, mock us and badmouth Newfoundland. Even the other tourists were awkwardly quiet and not at all, amused by the man's remarks. For this my boss was very happy because the man showed no signs or letting up. Newfoundland became the butt of every joke, despite the crowd not being amused.
After the tour was over, my boss approached the man.
He told him that what he had done was a terrible thing, and that he called Newfoundland his home. now and that none of the things he was saying were true. and now a whole group of tourists think a lot of things about Newfoundland that are not true. The man was unapologetic,
This is so disappointing to me. Newfoundland is my home and I love it here. The idea that someone completely removed from here, who has probably never set foot on our shore, is spreading such negativity about my home is very frustrating. I thought it was worth mentioning for all my friends planning trips down south, to spend their money hard earned in Newfoundland. I probably will go to Cuba at some point. one idiot doesn't speak for an entire area. But I am much more determined to be the kind of person that will change people's mind about Newfoundland. The sad reality that I believe is all these stereotypes do in fact apply to a number of people here. but not everyone. their dated and closed minded opinions and nobody is going to change them if we don't present ourselves in the way we want to be viewed.
Monday, 12 August 2013
Bookmark Added.
I just came upon what I think is a fascinating discovery. In very broad terms, this is what happens in every single fight I've ever had with the opposite sex.
I'm pissed off. and even though I'm an intelligent human being who is fully aware that I'm being insecure and am probably blatantly wrong, I don't want the blame right away.
At the moment, that I am mad, I want to feel like it is not my fault. and that everyone sucks except me. It doesn't matter what the issue is. Shut up, I know that was a yield sign. I already feel stupid. I know my friend will be my friend again in an hour. Right now it will make me feel better to hear someone else confirming that She's wrong and I'm right.
I think I realized that we don't need you to fix it. You want to fix it because in your boy brain, that seems to be the best thing to do. As far as instincts go, I personally think it's endearing to want to save or or fix something. But, in reality, when you do try to fix it, it makes us feel like we can't do it ourselves and some of us don't like that, so we get defensive, but you can't figure out why because you're just trying to help.
In our own languages, we both know whats wrong, we just have different ways of helping each other.
Now if only I understood men, this whole puzzle will be a little easier...
Chris Rock know's what I'm talking about
I'm pissed off. and even though I'm an intelligent human being who is fully aware that I'm being insecure and am probably blatantly wrong, I don't want the blame right away.
At the moment, that I am mad, I want to feel like it is not my fault. and that everyone sucks except me. It doesn't matter what the issue is. Shut up, I know that was a yield sign. I already feel stupid. I know my friend will be my friend again in an hour. Right now it will make me feel better to hear someone else confirming that She's wrong and I'm right.
I think I realized that we don't need you to fix it. You want to fix it because in your boy brain, that seems to be the best thing to do. As far as instincts go, I personally think it's endearing to want to save or or fix something. But, in reality, when you do try to fix it, it makes us feel like we can't do it ourselves and some of us don't like that, so we get defensive, but you can't figure out why because you're just trying to help.
In our own languages, we both know whats wrong, we just have different ways of helping each other.
Now if only I understood men, this whole puzzle will be a little easier...
Chris Rock know's what I'm talking about
Saturday, 10 August 2013
Show Biz for a Minute
This isn't a usual blog post for me but I think it's important for both sides to be heard.
So by now, everyone has heard that Jim Carrey had some choice words to say about his own work, and the entire production of Kick Ass 2. It seems to me that in the wake of all of the violence in schools and the horrifyingly common shooting situations that have devastated the U.S. this year, Jim Carrey didn't feel right perpetuating violence in the media. That is, at least the way I understand it to be. I could be wrong. If you care enough, just Google it. Now Chloe Grace Mortez* is saying that she doesn't agree with Carrey. In an interview with Britain's The Sun, Moretz says that while she respects Carrey's decision to snub the film, she doesn't agree with the sentiment
*Mortez plays Hit Girl, again in the sequel. She's a great actor, and I think she's probably a great hit girl but some of her habits as an actor bug me. Also her Mask looks goofy.
I find by the end of the movie, I'm sick of looking at her stupid mask. She is an absolutely stunning girl. Downright breathtaking. Grace for days (too much Seinfeld this week. apologies..)
My point is, I could easily believe that it is an attempt for Hit Girl to be taken seriously, and not as some pathetic sexual icon. I completely respect that. I really hope that is why, but you could make her mask look smart and not sexy.
Every super hero should get to look cool. It's why everyone of us would love to be a super hero. She doesn't have to be over exposed but please please let her look cool. It is such a Bad-ass character. and actually pretty well written. I really enjoyed the first movie, minus Nick Cage*. Stop wasting such an awesome character in a distracting costume. Check out the entire interview at The Sun, and see what Mortez had to say about the film and her Co star in the film. It's pretty nice to see some class and intelligence returning to Hollywood.
*Nick Cage. who I honestly believe to be in some early stage of dementia. or some kind of life crisis? I don't really know. but I feel as though he's losing his mind.
So by now, everyone has heard that Jim Carrey had some choice words to say about his own work, and the entire production of Kick Ass 2. It seems to me that in the wake of all of the violence in schools and the horrifyingly common shooting situations that have devastated the U.S. this year, Jim Carrey didn't feel right perpetuating violence in the media. That is, at least the way I understand it to be. I could be wrong. If you care enough, just Google it. Now Chloe Grace Mortez* is saying that she doesn't agree with Carrey. In an interview with Britain's The Sun, Moretz says that while she respects Carrey's decision to snub the film, she doesn't agree with the sentiment
*Mortez plays Hit Girl, again in the sequel. She's a great actor, and I think she's probably a great hit girl but some of her habits as an actor bug me. Also her Mask looks goofy.
I find by the end of the movie, I'm sick of looking at her stupid mask. She is an absolutely stunning girl. Downright breathtaking. Grace for days (too much Seinfeld this week. apologies..)
My point is, I could easily believe that it is an attempt for Hit Girl to be taken seriously, and not as some pathetic sexual icon. I completely respect that. I really hope that is why, but you could make her mask look smart and not sexy.
Every super hero should get to look cool. It's why everyone of us would love to be a super hero. She doesn't have to be over exposed but please please let her look cool. It is such a Bad-ass character. and actually pretty well written. I really enjoyed the first movie, minus Nick Cage*. Stop wasting such an awesome character in a distracting costume. Check out the entire interview at The Sun, and see what Mortez had to say about the film and her Co star in the film. It's pretty nice to see some class and intelligence returning to Hollywood.
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| http://www.itsadansworld.net/2010/09/united-by-style-marvel-takes-dc-to.html |
*Nick Cage. who I honestly believe to be in some early stage of dementia. or some kind of life crisis? I don't really know. but I feel as though he's losing his mind.
Friday, 26 July 2013
The Authority On Everything
So I've been having a rough week. Working a lot in a very warm restaurant. I love the summer, especially in Newfoundland. If you've never been to St. John's, NL I strongly suggest you find a week to spend here. I'm so in love with where I live. All the culture and food and nature and history. It's an amazing place. The thing about depression though is how good or bad anything is going around you has absolutely no bearing on your mental health. You could have a seemingly perfect life and be completely unhappy with yourself, and the last thing anyone should ever do, is give their two cents on someone else's situation.
Seriously.
I'm so sick of being told what is wrong with me, or what I need to do, or having my feelings downgraded by someone ignorant enough to assume its a competition and they have to win. I'm in serious danger of punching a know it all, mouth piece, directly in said mouth, the next time one tries to tell me all about what I'm going through. The worst part is these people are so oblivious to how ignorant they're being. they seem to feel perfectly justified in assuming they know anything about someone else.
My favorite part is when they are so obviously completely full of it. A friend of mine coined this kind of person as an "Authority on Everything" and I can't think of a better description.
My favorite is when they tell a story and blatantly make up really specific details that no person would ever tell them. It's easy to pick up on habits and patterns like this, because this person is constantly telling foolish stories and anyone (not just people with OCD like myself) can pick up on the patterns.
It's funny how much someone's language and body language change when they are lying. To me this just says that even they know they are full of it, and they are so desperate to seem genuine that they try to add credibility. It's so painfully obvious. As a general rule, if you make shit up, most intelligent adults can tell and are probably mocking you for it behind your back, if not to your face. So knock it off.
That wasn't even the point of this post, but I had to vent. If you don't think you know anyone like this. You are probably one of these people, and you are irritating everyone who has to be around you. If you were secure enough with yourself and being who you are, you wouldn't be trying so hard to prove who you were to anyone else. So come to terms with the fact that you are not as smart as you think you are, because everyone around you already knows. trust me. Your constant correcting of people and complete lack of social graces are speaking for themselves every time you insist on overpowering every conversation anyone tries to have with you.
That really turned into me being a mean girl. I don't like that. But I know a couple people who I hope read this and realize. but they probably wont.
Seriously.
I'm so sick of being told what is wrong with me, or what I need to do, or having my feelings downgraded by someone ignorant enough to assume its a competition and they have to win. I'm in serious danger of punching a know it all, mouth piece, directly in said mouth, the next time one tries to tell me all about what I'm going through. The worst part is these people are so oblivious to how ignorant they're being. they seem to feel perfectly justified in assuming they know anything about someone else.
My favorite part is when they are so obviously completely full of it. A friend of mine coined this kind of person as an "Authority on Everything" and I can't think of a better description.
My favorite is when they tell a story and blatantly make up really specific details that no person would ever tell them. It's easy to pick up on habits and patterns like this, because this person is constantly telling foolish stories and anyone (not just people with OCD like myself) can pick up on the patterns.
It's funny how much someone's language and body language change when they are lying. To me this just says that even they know they are full of it, and they are so desperate to seem genuine that they try to add credibility. It's so painfully obvious. As a general rule, if you make shit up, most intelligent adults can tell and are probably mocking you for it behind your back, if not to your face. So knock it off.
That wasn't even the point of this post, but I had to vent. If you don't think you know anyone like this. You are probably one of these people, and you are irritating everyone who has to be around you. If you were secure enough with yourself and being who you are, you wouldn't be trying so hard to prove who you were to anyone else. So come to terms with the fact that you are not as smart as you think you are, because everyone around you already knows. trust me. Your constant correcting of people and complete lack of social graces are speaking for themselves every time you insist on overpowering every conversation anyone tries to have with you.
That really turned into me being a mean girl. I don't like that. But I know a couple people who I hope read this and realize. but they probably wont.
Wednesday, 17 July 2013
just words. pick your favorites and express yourself.
I read somewhere that love is giving another human being the ability to completely crush you and destroy your heart. and trusting them not to. I know a lot of people struggle with saying the words. and I think it's because love means something different to everyone.
We're all such amazingly unique human beings. Nobody feels exactly the same way about their significant other as everyone else. we all appreciate and value different things, and therefore see different values in love.
It's a natural (train of) thought to expect your version of love from someone else. We all know how we express ourselves and show love. So we look for those same actions and expressions from the people we're expressing our love for.
Completely natural, but hopelessly impossible. Expectations that you have of how someone should express their feelings for you is impractical. It's only going to cause hurt feelings, tension, resentment, and communication problems which unravel a perfectly amazing relationship.
The "honeymoon" phase doesn't end independently when it feels like it. we kill it. When we try to make someone define how they feel about us, it can only be in their own words and actions. If someone is treating you by standards that you've outlined for them, you'll never trust that it's true or real.
When someone expresses THEMSELVES, in their own way, to show you what you mean to them it means more to you then any Disney movie or Sex and the City season can outrageously glamorize
I never talk about my relationship. But it's too good of an example to not use.
I love bad movies. mostly if they involve dinosaurs, or mega sharks. Mutant animals returning to Battle Mega Shark, such as Crocosaurus or Giant Octopus. Over the top, low budget, Animal Attack movies. I f**king love them. nothing on film or T.V. brings me so much hilarious enjoyment.
Yesterday boyfriend PVR'd Sharknado for me. and was super excited to show me. I know full well that this action does not say "love" to 90% of you, but just the thought is amazing. He was scrolling through channels and saw something that I would really enjoy. I was at work and wouldn't be home for hours so he made sure I didn't miss it. Knowing someone else has that kind of concern for the simple things that make you happy, and wanting so badly for you to have everything in the world.
That means more to me than any foolish Disney Prince or lavish vacation with Mr Big. Those things aren't real. What's real is having someone in your life who wants to be there and be happy with you, and even when you're completely insane (comes with the territory of owning ovaries) you argue and have really shitty times. but you get through it and you're happy again. THAT is Love to me. and it makes me happy. So what else can you ask for?
Well I don't really have any friends. That would be nice too if I got to have two things that would make me happy.
We're all such amazingly unique human beings. Nobody feels exactly the same way about their significant other as everyone else. we all appreciate and value different things, and therefore see different values in love.
It's a natural (train of) thought to expect your version of love from someone else. We all know how we express ourselves and show love. So we look for those same actions and expressions from the people we're expressing our love for.
Completely natural, but hopelessly impossible. Expectations that you have of how someone should express their feelings for you is impractical. It's only going to cause hurt feelings, tension, resentment, and communication problems which unravel a perfectly amazing relationship.
The "honeymoon" phase doesn't end independently when it feels like it. we kill it. When we try to make someone define how they feel about us, it can only be in their own words and actions. If someone is treating you by standards that you've outlined for them, you'll never trust that it's true or real.
When someone expresses THEMSELVES, in their own way, to show you what you mean to them it means more to you then any Disney movie or Sex and the City season can outrageously glamorize
I never talk about my relationship. But it's too good of an example to not use.
I love bad movies. mostly if they involve dinosaurs, or mega sharks. Mutant animals returning to Battle Mega Shark, such as Crocosaurus or Giant Octopus. Over the top, low budget, Animal Attack movies. I f**king love them. nothing on film or T.V. brings me so much hilarious enjoyment.
Yesterday boyfriend PVR'd Sharknado for me. and was super excited to show me. I know full well that this action does not say "love" to 90% of you, but just the thought is amazing. He was scrolling through channels and saw something that I would really enjoy. I was at work and wouldn't be home for hours so he made sure I didn't miss it. Knowing someone else has that kind of concern for the simple things that make you happy, and wanting so badly for you to have everything in the world.
That means more to me than any foolish Disney Prince or lavish vacation with Mr Big. Those things aren't real. What's real is having someone in your life who wants to be there and be happy with you, and even when you're completely insane (comes with the territory of owning ovaries) you argue and have really shitty times. but you get through it and you're happy again. THAT is Love to me. and it makes me happy. So what else can you ask for?
Well I don't really have any friends. That would be nice too if I got to have two things that would make me happy.
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