The Questions keep coming :)

All anons this week! Keep the questions and shares coming! I love it!

how do you handle creative blocks? what do you recommend to someone who feels stifled in their creative endeavors but wishes to overcome these?

I think the first thing to decide is what is stifling you in the first place. What is it that you want to say, and why can't you just say it. Everyone needs an outlet for self expression and creativity, but it's up to you to find your means of expressing yourself, in a way that makes you happy without interfering with other people. I personally don't put pressure on myself to create at all. When something inspires me to write, I express what I have to say about the topic. If someone asks me a question I will respond in the best way that I know how. You cannot force creativity. it must come from an organic desire to express oneself. Find what inspires you and express it, as long as you're not interfering with, or abusing other people in the process. Nobody's happiness is worth the suffering of another person, your personal feelings are irrelevant

If you had to live the rest of your life in a movie which one would you pick?

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.

How do you deal with liars?

The funny thing about liars is often they are not smart enough to not get caught. So they get caught and have to lie in the bed they made for themselves

Born Wrong

I very much think that I was born in the wrong body. I was not meant to live in a woman's body. I have no idea about social norms. I can't relate to anyone ever. I now believe that I was supposed to be born a house cat. 

My cat's don't give a shit about anything. They walk on whatever they want. They don't give a fuck if anyone notices them, or is mad at them. They don't care about breaking things or destroying anything. I can't decide if I believe they have the capacity for malicious activity or reactions. But they probably do. and no matter what you can't stay mad at them for more than a couple days. It's impossible. No matter how many mistakes they make.

I think I should have been born as one of these furry, adorable, life ruining monsters. So being a person is very different and difficult for me. I think that rather than figuring out who I am, I'm learning all the kind of people I don't want to be. 

I think I expected this to me a much bigger thought then it ended up being. I do know that as a human being 

I have the day off, a bowl of yummy herb pasta, some video games to play and a little grass to assist the old attention span*. Now I attempt to enjoy some much needed time alone while I get back to my smithing in Whiterun :)

*Mild ADHD, combined with SAD and moderate depression. My head is a broken playground. smoking grass helps better than all the meds I've been prescribed over the years with exponentially less side effects. I'm actually very hopeful that it will be legalized in the next few years. That will make my life, health and prescriptions much much easier to manage.

a tiny amount of growth maybe

Yesterday was a very interesting day for me.
I should back up a little. I recently accepted a role in a community theatre version of August: Osage County. which I am very excited about. It's a very well written play and the director seems to really know her stuff. I'm very optimistic.

So yesterday I get an email that is CC'd to the entire cast. and I notice some names on the list I've worked with before a couple friends and people that I think are really great actors.  One of the names however is one of the most insufferable old bitches I've ever had the unfortunate luck of meeting.
Now a very short time ago, this would have ruined my entire day. Knowing that I'd have to spend a lot of my free time with people who's had a negative impact on my life. but yesterday it didn't seem to bother me so much.

So I go to work and the charming little girl who I mentioned as my Manager (From the Insurance Company, in an earlier post called Day One) For any one who won't bother to check back, I wrote to her trying to set up a meeting to return my things and resign. She wrote me back firing me on the spot, without letting me leave on my own. It was very unfair and hurtful but proved that I didn't want to be the kind of person that likes selling Life Insurance to senior citizens on fixed incomes, Or is really good at it. It takes a shitty person to do business that way. Someone who actually claimed to be dead inside with no conscience. What a gift, to be so self aware, at such a young age.

Anyway the Ice Queen comes to the counter, with her fake insurance sales smile and says
"Hey Missus! Haven't seen you in ages. You're working here now are you??"
I had to walk away to get change for a guy, but was very happy to leave before I burst into laughter The last thing she said to me was that I was fired. via text message. This class act is so simple that she can't even remember a couple of months ago.

I couldn't help but find it funny that she was legitimately pretending nothing happened and was acting as though we were old friends.

"haven't seen you in ages"
of course you haven't seen me? I tried to sit down with you and you fired me. Where would you see me?

Later the same day, I go out to eat at a new restaurant, downtown. One of the few people that I will never ever speak to again, is sitting 4 tables away staring at me, not unlike the slow-witted Goldfish, while I eat, my broccoli. Again, this would have ruined my mood a couple of years ago. But I looked up and said "well...it's just raining bitches today" and we laughed and went about our date.

Now generally a day that is just teeming with unintelligent, hurt filled people would have sent me home to cry in my bed. I've come to realize that throughout my life, females in my life have betrayed me, abused me and disregarded and disrespected me as a person. While I know it's unreasonable like everyone else, I cannot change or help my feelings.

I'm afraid of girls.

This day, however I thought it was so funny. What are the odds of three awful people in one day? I feel like that may be a little progress, however shallow of inconsequential it may be to anyone else. Other people don't affect my happiness anymore. At least they affect it a lot less.

Bookmark Added.

I just came upon what I think is a fascinating discovery. In very broad terms, this is what happens in every single fight I've ever had with the opposite sex.

I'm pissed off. and even though I'm an intelligent human being who is fully aware that I'm being insecure and am probably blatantly wrong, I don't want the blame right away.
At the moment, that I am mad, I want to feel like it is not my fault. and that everyone sucks except me. It doesn't matter what the issue is. Shut up, I know that was a yield sign. I already feel stupid. I know my friend will be my friend again in an hour. Right now it will make me feel better to hear someone else confirming that She's wrong and I'm right.

I think I realized that we don't need you to fix it. You want to fix it because in your boy brain, that seems to be the best thing to do. As far as instincts go, I personally think it's endearing to want to save or or fix something. But, in reality, when you do try to fix it, it makes us feel like we can't do it ourselves and some of us don't like that, so we get defensive, but you can't figure out why because you're just trying to help.
In our own languages, we both know whats wrong, we just have different ways of helping each other.

Now if only I understood men, this whole puzzle will be a little easier...

Chris Rock know's what I'm talking about

#indiebandproblems

I'm pretty sure that I've talked about this before (at least once) but it bears repeating. In my city there is an amazing music scene. it's diverse, and creative and there is literally something for just about everyone. I'm sure this is also the case with many more cities around the world. I find it very impressive. The thing that frustrates me about creativity is a lot of people think that it means they are entitled to praise, and special treatment and above all else, an audience.
So many Facebook posts, and tweets and passive aggressive comments circulate, all blaming the audience for not paying the money or giving the band their time and attention.

"You'll pay $20 at Starbucks, But you won't spend $5 on your local music scene. pretty cool..."

1. Yes. I will absolutely spend $20 at Starbucks because that is what I want. Delicious fancy coffee and baked goods interests me, and I like to treat my coworkers sometimes.
2. I will spend the $5 to see a band I like. Actually I will likely spend at least $50 every time I go out and support my local music scene. I go out, have some drinks, buy people drinks and tip the bartenders well, because I know our awesome time is their bullshit shift cause some bitch called in sick.

If something is happening and I want to see it, I will go out if i can afford to. Like most people I would think. I guarantee you, if people wanted to come to your shows, or see your band, or hear your music, they will. What would stop them? I don't know many people who have a problem spending money when/how they want to.

It's not fair to expect everyone in your life to be your biggest fan just because of what you choose to do. I enjoy the diversity that our music scene has to offer, but nobody ever plays music for themselves. You play for an audience. and if you don't interest anyone, you don't get an audience. that is nobodies fault but your own. You can force anyone on the planet to have a different set of interests. Your girlfriend/boyfriend/best friend/family doesn't have to love your music. It's your choice, not theres. Would you pay $5-$50 to go out and not enjoy yourself? Why do you expect other people should for you?
It's called popular music for a reason. If your music isn't getting anyones attention or any audience after so long. The problem isn't with The Scene. It's probably with whatever your doing. At the end of the day, the reality is you can love your music all you want. Make music for yourself and make it all about yourself. it's totally your call. But unless you're willing to pay cover to see yourself hundreds of times, consider it a hobby. You have no idea about any professional music career.

amazing photo find!! Love this! share it!

job hunt revival

So after a couple of weeks of working 4 hour shifts and wasting a lot of my time. The health food store tells me that I'm not a good fit and they wont be asking me to work any more shifts. I'm a lovely person though. Lovely enough to pay me little to nothing and waste my time, while bills pile up and debts increase. I guess the lesson I should be learning from this is "people who treat others that way with such little regard on not people I want to work for. She also emailed me at 6pm on a Sunday. Professional I know. Not even enough regard to have a phone call about it. I know I should be happy that they made their treatment of people clear before I was committed to that place, and they probably did me a favor. but right now I'm just upset and being a girl about it for a day. I'm at a total loss for what I did wrong. I loved it there. I loved helping customers and my favorite thing to do to pass the time was to put away all the stock so my pregnant boss didn't have to. I still have no idea what I did wrong. I was 20 minutes early most days. parked in the parking lot waiting for the owner to get there. One day I was late because Bagel Cafe tool a long time to bring us our food/bill. and I called her right away and apologized profusely and it was the only time I've ever been anything other than early.

Now the job hunt continues. The bills aren't going anywhere. I really loved my last bar tending job. but a difficult manager made it a less than good situation. I wish I could go back there. the staff there were my friends and I liked them

Ask Me Anything!

If you have anything that you would like to read about, or any questions. something to personal to ask someone close to you, or something about me that you want to know more about. If you've shared a similar experience or learned a lesson the hard way, share with me. Ask me anything on Ask.fm. The little box is right there on your left. Remain anonymous or make an account and join in the conversation. I set up the account to help people. Negativity never gets a reaction, but the only stupid questions are the ones you never ask. Sometimes a little bit of time (and age) teaches you a lot that you can share to help someone else. So speak up. Help yourself or someone else. I can't fix our passive, crumbling society all by myself :p

Talking bout my generation

The generation just a few years ahead of mine was pushed into professional careers. They were inspired to excel and learn and become doctors, lawyers, and teachers. Because that is what our society needed at that time. Nurses and Therapists, professionals the rest of us could rely on and They met that need and then some. I have good friends in all of these professions that I'm so proud of and value greatly when I need their advice or services.
My generation is somehow caught in the middle of an economic shift.
When we were in junior/highschool we were told that you weren't going to get anywhere in life without a university degree. The world needed professionals, but nobody was taking into consideration how many they were producing. So we all skipped off to university getting our BAs and planning to be teachers and lawyers.

4 years later the same people that guided us toward university changed their tune. Now those same voices were saying
"why did you waste that time? you need a trade if your going to make anything of yourself. Here...Have ANOTHER loan from the government. We won't give you enough to live on, but we'll pay for the tuition and allow you to live a stress filled life where ends rarely meet and you'll get to lie awake at night worrying about your bills."

So while you're in trade school, you still have to work your shitty low level job to pay your bills. because your not 18 years old anymore and you don't live with your parents, and you don't get to start over. Our lot was to make the best of a bad situation, fall further into debt and have our credit ruined by promises and plans that were never meant to work out for us.

We're a generation lost in the middle. People younger than me, came out of high school, went right into the trades and make loot. We're the experimental generation. coming up through school my class was always the one who tested the "pilot programs"
Few of them were a success, most fell on their faces, leaving us no further ahead than we were before. I feel that being the test subject generation leaves us at a disadvantage in life. At least lab rats are still, at the end of the day, taken care of by the guessing idiots who test on them.

stand by your man(ipulation)

I don't understand how the concept of avoiding responsibility is anything but disgusting and pathetic. If you don't want to take responsibility for something that you've done, it is obviously because
YOU KNOW ITS A SHITTY THING TO DO,
if your actions are something that you don't want anyone to know you're doing, then why do it?!
I'm not saying we should all be in church or living this amazing morally sound path. humans by our very nature are flawed. We all make mistakes, but taking responsibility for those mistakes is how we learn, grow and progress as a species. Taking any accountability out of the equation causes us to regress and become stagnant. I have such a bleak outlook on my generation, and the ones that follow us.
All the good found in the invention of the magical internet and our global village is sadly far outweighed by the negativity that comes from lacking the moral fiber, intelligence and basic humanity necessary to utilize it in the most efficient way.
I added an app called Honesty Box to my Facebook when I was in University. I thought this was an amazing tool. There were people that I had a lo of respect and admiration for and I liked that I could let people know how awesome they were without it being about me. So if i knew someone in my class was having a bad day, I'l write an anonymous message to show them that someone noticed how hard they worked, or what a good person they were. But all anyone else used it for was to hate on people. I was so disappointed at the mean and hateful messages left for me. Nothing good or positive just people being needlessly rude, or idiot guys trying to be sketchy (I was in a relationship at the time, but they didn't seem to be bothered by that)
years later I added the app again, to try once more as an adult. THIS time the guy I was dating at the time tried using it to bait me. sending me messages about me being hot, and saying how it was too bad I had a boyfriend. Trying to set me up, or catch me doing something that I've never done in my life. Granted, that person had a lot of issues and I still wonder about him today and if he is any happier, but people come into your life, and leave again, for a reason. So I choose to chalk it up to an awful, awful experience that taught me a lot in a very short year.
I guess the point of this rant is to express how bleak our future is if we continue to use anonymity as a tool for negativity, to feed insecurity, instead of building others up or doing good. No actions are justifiable if they hurt someone else, and your not willing to man up and admit responsibility, and It's not really a good deed if your not willing to do it without getting credit.

I got a lot of problems with you people!

I have a serious problem with the lack of accountability in our society.  We've found ways to take the responsibility out of tons of very serious aspects of our society.
For one example. get rid of firearms. Let everyone in the world who wants to go to war do it with swords and knifes and hand weapons. Make a soldier responsible for taking a life up close, personally and with his own hands. Then it becomes the hugely serious and important decision that it should be. I'm not an idiot, I don't believe that there shouldn't be guns at all. But you should be registered to carry one. You should have to completely gun safety training to get a licence to carry a gun. and I don't believe there is any reason or cause for semi-automatic weapons

Another great example of this is the internet. you can make up a used name and be anyone you want. Insecurtiy and unhappiness tend to steer people toward negativity, and there is nothing wrong with voicing an opinion, im just saying that if you had to do it face to face you'd think about what you said and did, knowing that someone would judge you based on your actions. Anonymity is ruining us. our natural instincts (or the manipulated, pathetic excuses that used to be instincts) do not work without accountability. Why does nobody feel the pressure to build people up, the way that they feel the need to tear people down? It's not news to anyone who reads this blog that I have kind of a pessimistic view of (my own) and the newest generation of attention starved kids whos parents didnt let them learn anything the hard way. But with an entire society that is virtually unaccountable for most of their own actions, nobody is ever really forced to learn any lessons, the hard way (no homo) or otherwise.