Aging Ungracefully.

My neck hurts. The closer I get to being 30, the easier it seems to be, to hurt myself, without even understanding how. I have no idea how I hurt my neck. I spent most of last night tossing and turning, trying to find a position that didn't send shooting pain, up into my brain, and down my back. As a result, I'm home, taking a sick day, to enjoy the headache and radiating pain, in the privacy of my own home.
Getting older is lame. When your a kid, all you want to do is be an adult. what's the appeal? You can eat cookies whenever you want to, stay up as late as you want, and buy alcohol. But nobody tells you that your metabolism kicks out around 25, and your body rejects being awake after 10:30pm, shortly after that.
So now your in your 30's. Enjoying a michelob ultra (watching those carbs now), at 9pm before starting a 45 minute skin care routine. You fall into your bed exhausted because now you wake up at 6:30 every day, like some barn yard animal.
Half your friends have trades, so they work on shifts. 5 days on, 5 days off, etc. You and more of your friends work a regular 9-5. Others are still in school, because none of us really know what we wanted to be when we grew up.
So you can't coordinate your schedules or any disposable income to socialize, or see each other. For a lot of us, the appeal of drinking is gone once you can do it freely and legally. If your a petite body type like myself, you may realize that your really bad at alcohol, and opt to not really drink all that often. So that avenue of socializing is out.
Even if you could get everyone on the same page, everyone is so tired and plagued by social anxieties and other mental health issues that nobody wants to leave their house anyway.
Don't misunderstand me. I hated being a teenager. High school was a nightmare, and I'm very satisfied living on my own terms, in my own lifestyle. But with friends you can't see, Money you can't spend and time you can't waste, it's a sad state of affairs that is only slightly better than living in your parent's basement.
When you consider having someone else do your laundry, cooking your meals, and do your grocery shopping, it's a small wonder that any of us ever left at all. How old is too old to move back in with your parents?

What Really Matters

When my grandfather passed away I had lived through my first semester of University. 3 hours away from where I had grown up as a very sheltered, admittedly ignorant of life experience or maturity.
He was a lot of different things. he'd lived a lot of different versions of himself. Before I was born he had a problem with alcohol. when my father was a child, alcoholism was legitimately a life choice, where I'm from.
After a long time of being very unhappy, and abusing himself with alcohol, he realized how unhappy he made my grand mother and their two children, he stopped all that. Turned over a new leaf and became an entirely different version of himself. A man that I grew up with, who made jokes, and liked cartoons. Who always had candy, and some time for being silly with a child.
When I was a teenage my grand father got cancer. Sadly, there is nothing unique in that sentence. Hundreds of people, lose their loved ones to Cancer every day. It is soul crushing, to continue on filling the space in your heart left by a human being, with a handful of memories. memory is truly bittersweet in that it is always telling us that we can never go backwards.
I an a very fortunate person. My grand father went through radiation treatments. He got very very sick, and then he got better. He came home. He drove me home every single time i went for a run, stopped into his home for a glass of water, and didn't want to run home. The day he left my hometown, to come to the city, for his treatments, My Grand father smoked his last cigarette. He said, "Well that's it", and threw half a pack, into the garbage can. To this day, my grand mother swears that he never touched one again
But in 2008, after my first semester away from home, separated from my family, figuring out what was important to me, my grand father got very sick. he was gone within 72 hours. A few years before, he had undergone a hernia operation. Complications had caused him to quietly, painlessly and quickly, slip away from us.
When my grand mother brought home his clothing from the hospital, she emptied his pockets. for some reason, I took the money left there. some change, nothing bigger than a quarter.
I brought it home and put it in a black silk bag.
I never understood what it meant to me. I often wondered if it meant I was a material person. Was I a bad person, because I couldn't find any significance in anything other than money and stuff?
Today I understand what it means to me. As I clean my house on a rainy Sunday, I find my little black silk bag, behind a photograph of my younger brother. My Grandfather, My dad and my brother all share a lot of common features. so it seemed appropriate to keep family together.
Today I know why I kept the money. Not for the value, but for the symbol. The most valuable thing my grandfather has given me, is humility, awareness, and a willingness to start over.
Both literally, and metaphorically, I kept the closest thing I possible could. I kept Change.

Speaking Greek

I've failed on the blog front pretty bad. Boyfriend is out of the province and I promised myself I would make use of the time alone to change some things that I want to. I've put a lot of time into work and its really paying off. I've been eating really well, and getting a mild amount of exercise and as a result, I am feeling pretty great too.
I guess I find it easier to writing, when I'm unhappy. Complaining comes more naturally to me I guess.
Not that, that makes me any different, I'm sure it's a general humanity kind of thing.
I'm thinking of trying to learn Greek with Rosetta Stone. I work in a Greek restaurant for Greek people. If that weren't enough of a reason to learn a new language, Boyfriend and I are planning a trip to Greece in the near future. Just seems like something that will make my life easier in the future.

What's in the Fridge?

So I've done pretty well with the Junk Food Detox. I'm all whole grained, and fruit filled and low cholesterol. I even found a caffeine-free diet Pepsi, that is surprisingly good. I skeptically referred to it as, "likely Club Soda poured into a glad that had previously held Pepsi"
I was very happy to be wrong. Pepsi is definitely one of the worst 3 things that I put into my body (in embarrassingly massive quantities) Usually I'm pretty good with eating really healthy, so it's mostly guiltless. But still, a bonus is a bonus.
My food habits were really the change I had the least amount of faith in. I've recently noticed that I've become a comfort eater. When I'm lonely or unhappy I've started to snack more than I like. I don't feel good about doing it. But in that moment, Food brings me some kind of comfort I guess. Something that I do actually have a lot of confidence in is cooking ability.  I'm not much of a baker but I'm a pretty awesome cook. Maybe I just associate food with that confidence and security, and feeling good about myself. I just have to be really smart about eating healthy food. I personally love Special K Everything! The Cereal, The Bars, I'll basically eat whatever The woman in the Red Dress tells me too, and if you haven't tried any of there stuff you should give it a shot.
A lot of healthy food is really tasty now. Even frozen dinners have lots of veggies and pretty tasty low calorie meals.
I have never been a picky eater. The only thing I don't enjoy often is Fish*
I've just always loved every vegetable, all fruit (except Mango due to some poor decisions involving alcohol in University), Always been eager to try every kind of food and style of cooking.
People give me crap for what I eat, no matter what I eat. If I order a burger, friends or coworkers have said that I'm lucky to be so skinny, and be able to eat it. If I order a salad the same (and different) people have said "Jesus, you're so tiny, Have a burger"
I fully understand this. People are self conscious about lots of things and project those feelings onto others constantly. I just realized a long time ago that I'm not lucky to be thin. I'm lucky to have a healthy lifestyle and diet, because that's the part that I can control. It seems that I don't really have much else to be proud of I guess. My body is the only thing I have control of, to improve, and make a difference to. so I may as well treat it like gold, right?

*except deep-fried and with fries, gravy and dressing. You can imagine how challenging it is to maintain a healthy diet that included "a feed of Newfoundland Fee & Chee"

Ask.Fm inspired post.

Ask.Fm asks:
What scares you more than anything else?

I think being alone is what I am most afraid of. Not on a day to day basis. I really enjoy spending some time alone. But my biggest fear is having every relationship not work out, and ending up alone, without love. Some relationships just don't work out. Some people are just too different or need different things out of life. It isn't anyone's fault if they aren't exactly what YOU need. As much as it really sucks a lot of the time, There is nothing you can do about that except get over it and move on. But I digress. Not having a partner, to share my life with, scares me the most.

human facepalm

I was so impressed by you.

I wanted you to think that I was funny, or smart or clever and see something in me that you wanted. I've never had any issue attracting men. Men much more successful, better looking, smarter and a hell of a lot smoother than you. So why did I need you to like me so bad? you never even treated me very well, and sex with you allowed me to make many a grocery list in my head. You made no effort because you probably didn't care if I liked you or not. You loved you enough for both of us.
The worst part I was completely crushed when you wanted to stop seeing me, saying you gave it a shot and I just was not special.
Now, looking back on all of that I feel very stupid. I wasted so much time on you. Reading your stupid, masturbatory blog, and watching you ruin stand up shows, and bomb performances, out of laziness and a spoiled, self important attitude. You want all of the things your friends and family have, without having to give any respect, care, concern or work to get them. Life simply doesn't work that way.
You were a bad boyfriend, but I'm fairly sure that is because you are a spoiled, thoughtless, self centered person. I should be able to tie this into "you can't make a ho a housewife" somehow but I just can't seem to get there right now. One of these days maybe I'll edit this.

It's hilarious to see you anywhere in public, like this morning, desperately trying to act like you don't notice anything or anyone around you, even though you had the foresight to get as far away from me as possible and hide behind a rack of motor oil. Overkill much?
Much less is the fact that I actually paid attention to you, when you talked, and I understand that you wouldn't even know what to look for in an automotive section anywhere. Yet another flaw in your lack of a personality
The worst part about being really smart (government tested and proven "gifted intelligence" thank you very much) is when you see other people who really think they are. They never seem to have the intelligence to recognize courtesy, compassion or good manners as valuable things. Like being smart entitles you to being a rude, obnoxious jackass. In actually its an abundance of ignorance makes someone so uncouth and repulsive.* Not intelligence.
For a really long I thought about you. and obsessed about what was wrong with me. The only thing wrong with me is that I didn't walk away from you sooner then you made me. I didn't love myself enough to know you were a total waste of time. But now I do, so thank you for a lesson learned the hard way.

*There is nothing less attractive than rude, ignorant behavior. Joking at someone's expense, Correcting people in front of friends, or picking fights with other people around. You're a neanderthal and it's hideous. Stop cutting down others to make up for your own shortcoming. it's very transparent and pathetic.

Born Wrong

I very much think that I was born in the wrong body. I was not meant to live in a woman's body. I have no idea about social norms. I can't relate to anyone ever. I now believe that I was supposed to be born a house cat. 

My cat's don't give a shit about anything. They walk on whatever they want. They don't give a fuck if anyone notices them, or is mad at them. They don't care about breaking things or destroying anything. I can't decide if I believe they have the capacity for malicious activity or reactions. But they probably do. and no matter what you can't stay mad at them for more than a couple days. It's impossible. No matter how many mistakes they make.

I think I should have been born as one of these furry, adorable, life ruining monsters. So being a person is very different and difficult for me. I think that rather than figuring out who I am, I'm learning all the kind of people I don't want to be. 

I think I expected this to me a much bigger thought then it ended up being. I do know that as a human being 

I have the day off, a bowl of yummy herb pasta, some video games to play and a little grass to assist the old attention span*. Now I attempt to enjoy some much needed time alone while I get back to my smithing in Whiterun :)

*Mild ADHD, combined with SAD and moderate depression. My head is a broken playground. smoking grass helps better than all the meds I've been prescribed over the years with exponentially less side effects. I'm actually very hopeful that it will be legalized in the next few years. That will make my life, health and prescriptions much much easier to manage.

a tiny amount of growth maybe

Yesterday was a very interesting day for me.
I should back up a little. I recently accepted a role in a community theatre version of August: Osage County. which I am very excited about. It's a very well written play and the director seems to really know her stuff. I'm very optimistic.

So yesterday I get an email that is CC'd to the entire cast. and I notice some names on the list I've worked with before a couple friends and people that I think are really great actors.  One of the names however is one of the most insufferable old bitches I've ever had the unfortunate luck of meeting.
Now a very short time ago, this would have ruined my entire day. Knowing that I'd have to spend a lot of my free time with people who's had a negative impact on my life. but yesterday it didn't seem to bother me so much.

So I go to work and the charming little girl who I mentioned as my Manager (From the Insurance Company, in an earlier post called Day One) For any one who won't bother to check back, I wrote to her trying to set up a meeting to return my things and resign. She wrote me back firing me on the spot, without letting me leave on my own. It was very unfair and hurtful but proved that I didn't want to be the kind of person that likes selling Life Insurance to senior citizens on fixed incomes, Or is really good at it. It takes a shitty person to do business that way. Someone who actually claimed to be dead inside with no conscience. What a gift, to be so self aware, at such a young age.

Anyway the Ice Queen comes to the counter, with her fake insurance sales smile and says
"Hey Missus! Haven't seen you in ages. You're working here now are you??"
I had to walk away to get change for a guy, but was very happy to leave before I burst into laughter The last thing she said to me was that I was fired. via text message. This class act is so simple that she can't even remember a couple of months ago.

I couldn't help but find it funny that she was legitimately pretending nothing happened and was acting as though we were old friends.

"haven't seen you in ages"
of course you haven't seen me? I tried to sit down with you and you fired me. Where would you see me?

Later the same day, I go out to eat at a new restaurant, downtown. One of the few people that I will never ever speak to again, is sitting 4 tables away staring at me, not unlike the slow-witted Goldfish, while I eat, my broccoli. Again, this would have ruined my mood a couple of years ago. But I looked up and said "well...it's just raining bitches today" and we laughed and went about our date.

Now generally a day that is just teeming with unintelligent, hurt filled people would have sent me home to cry in my bed. I've come to realize that throughout my life, females in my life have betrayed me, abused me and disregarded and disrespected me as a person. While I know it's unreasonable like everyone else, I cannot change or help my feelings.

I'm afraid of girls.

This day, however I thought it was so funny. What are the odds of three awful people in one day? I feel like that may be a little progress, however shallow of inconsequential it may be to anyone else. Other people don't affect my happiness anymore. At least they affect it a lot less.

The littlest birds sing the prettiest songs

That was a super lame attempt at a clever title.

I was writing a post about my twitter and how you guys should follow me. But the danger with smoking pot is what it does to your attention span. and appetite :s

But I digress (it's to be expected really) My focus shifted to the song I quoted in the Title. An absolutely perfect song by a band called The Be Good Tanyas.
The first time I heard it was in the opening credits of an artistically optimistic independent film. I Claudia was brought to my theatre class during our "One Man Show" studies. Self reliance and interacting only with an audience. It would have been more aptly titled as "you need to love yourself way too much for anyone else to matter to you at all"
But Charlie Thomlinson was a guest professor. A truly brilliant person that I have huge amounts of respect for. That was my third year of theatre school I believe. Easily the happiest time of my entire life. In hindsight I really feel as though I let him down. I wasn't committed to being an artist. I had no integrity. I'm favirly sure it was apparent to him back then. Wish he'd clued me in. He just kept trying to teach me. The one with no emotions or feelings at all. bahaha... theatre school. It's only now that I can look back on that part of my life with fond memories. It takes a really long time to get past your own mistakes something. Charlie has this amazing Dog named Luca. She was the smartest animal I've ever seen. I miss walking Luca.

Again with the digression. I told you to anticipate some of this, in all fairness. If I ever learn to do it right, I'll be able to get back on track without you even realizing I'd made the error in the first place. but not today.

The Littlest Birds by The Be Good Tanyas makes me feel the same way that I felt back when I found it. My third year at Grenfell, pursuing a. idealistic (read: disillusion) career path. But it's a truly lovely song so here it is. Click on that little picture to see the youtube video and look them up on iTunes 000Oh right...yeah, If you're on Twitter follow me @TheWonderWords

Social Calls

I can't decide if I'm behind in the times or if our society has yet to develop social expectations for new behavior. I was out with a number of friends a few nights ago. (8-10 people I would estimate) and I found it very difficult to carry out a conversation. Most people talking were limited to jokes and one liners about something on the television, or commenting on others statements. Nobody was asking anyone else questions, or making any effort to converse with each other. I'm awkward enough on my own, so I often rely on asking questions to get other people talking, while I obsess about what to say, without looking weird or silly. Social Anxiety is a real treat, let me tell you.

On this particular occasion, I noticed a great deal of something that I find to be very offensive. Everyone there was on their cellphone.
A couple people were actually taking part in the same conversation on Facebook with other people. and commenting to one another about THAT conversation, and not even talking to anyone who made an effort to be the in the same room as them.

Several people spent the entire gathering texting, to make plans with other people and actually left to go spend time with THAT person, and other people were checking Facebook, Twitter, or looking at photos. Things I do to occupy myself while bored in the doctors office or when commercials interrupt a favored television show.

Am I the only one who finds this unbelievably offensive? I would have been perfectly content to stay at home and play Skyrim all evening. It was a gathering for a Pay Per View UFC event, which I have little interest in, but I went to socialize with my friends which we rarely get to do anymore. I found myself feeling very hurt that most people there would rather be having conversations with other people who DIDN'T even make he effort to spend that time with them. I even volunteered to be the designated driver, even though I had beverages sitting in the fridge, from the night before, and drove two other people there.
I found myself sitting alone, watching a barbaric sport that I have little interest in, making comments and trying to be observant, and start a conversation, to no avail.
"the little guy really seems to have the technical advantage there"
nothing. Asking questions about sponsorship and what an MMA Fighter makes were also met with dead air more often than not.
I talked more with strangers that I wasn't even introduced to, and introduced myself. They at least asked questions and seemed to want to make small talk with me.. I would have thought that kind of appalling social etiquette would be considered taboo.
More often than not, I can look around a social group I thought I was a part of, to see everyone on their cellphones. For a long time everyone with an iPhone played games together on their phones, while sitting in the same room. I have a Blackberry and don't play games on my phone, ESPECIALLY when I'm in a room and attempting to spend time with other people. I cannot comprehend any way that this kind of thing is not thought to be rude, or disrespectful.
A friend told me that I should have left and gone to do something that was fun for me, although I know this would still have resulted in judgement upon ME, and a complete lack of consideration of their own behavior. I even went so far as to say
"Guys, there are people in this room, who made the effort to spend time with you"
multiple times, and was completely ignored. Is this just another aspect of our technological society for me to be bitter about, or poor manners?
I was told about a party where the host placed a basket by her front door for people to put their cellphones in when they enter her home. I know full well that anyone who walks into my house will ignore that, even though I would love to give it a try in the future.
I want as many opinions as possible on this. I need to understand it, even if it is me that needs to get over it and accept that this is how our society works now. What do you think?

insanity later

I believe that I've lost all passion in my life. I don't know what job I want to do, and every time I'm sure that I love a new job, i don't love it anymore when the shiny new finish wears off.
I've worked everywhere in this city.
Hotels, restaurants, bars, a comedy club, I did child and youth care work with abused children, and now an insurance company. I've played in a band, done stand up comedy, acted for the majority of my life. I'm at a loss for where to go next, and I'm worried that I will never be content anywhere for much longer than a few months.
There must be something that remains satisfying for longer than a year. I crave routine and schedule. I'm not someone who says "why make $1000 when you can make $2000" as long as my bills are paid and I'm saving a little, I don't need to make all that much money. I have coworkers who just want to work all the time and make all of the money they can. I don't get that. I don't need that much money to get ahead. and technically you are taking it from someone else when you sell something. So I guess I view it as an issue of greed. I have no idea. I wish I could gain some insight into this issue. But I'm not even sure where to start anymore.
I'm realizing lately that tasks are seemingly becoming too daunting for me to start. I get overwhelmed easily, lay awake worrying about the future. I'm not in a stressful situation. I have an amazing new house, purchased by my amazing boyfriend, a brand new car, and a job that allows me a lot of freedom. So why am i so unhappy/stressed out all the time? uggg maybe months from now hindsight will cause me to reread this and understand this a little better.

Ask.fm

What’s wrong with the world?

I believe that the world is filled with fear and ignorance, and not enough understanding. It's nothing unnatural, just a sign of the past really, but I believe its everyone's job to overcome it. i also firmly believe that war and fighting are the worst possible ways of achieving this.We don't all have a gun. But we all have a voice, a heart and a brain, that all work to operate a mouth. Do or Do Not. There is no Try.

This is the one that starts a war

We all went to school with a girl we felt sorry for. A girl who was much too friendly with guys, and thought it was am empowering thing to enjoy confrontational drama with other girls. The girl who relished in being "The Bitch", and didn't care that being promiscuous caused everyone to talk about her negatively.  as long as they were talking about her at all.
It was always a little sad to me that this girl felt she had nothing more valuable to offer.  Dressing in a provocative way, and trying to act the way you think adults act, is the most obvious and childish thing that a young person can do, and it's so obvious because it is in no way, how actual adults behave. it's the way that teens in love with the glamour image of adulthood, THINK adults behave.
Sex is not difficult. Anyone can do it. It doesn't take any education. It isn't something to be proud of. So when I see a girl behaving this way, I don't understand why she can't take pride in her brain, or an ability, or something that requires some effort to be good at.
Some girls have a passion for music, or art. They learn every word, and every song. A lot of them learn to play instruments and make their own music. I believe that any artistic ability is a gift that should be nurtured  Lots of girls Make beautiful art. A dear friend of mine is the most amazing designer. She makes clothing, does interior decorating, and takes stunning photos, of herself and everything else that inspires her. She's not someone who needs to behave negatively, or dress provocatively to get attention. The things in her life that allow her to express herself give her confidence, and security with herself. THAT is something worth bragging about. A healthy version of self worth that nobody else can affect. I can promise you, that when she is alone, she feels just as good about herself as when she's in a room full of people, because her happiness and self worth don't depend on other people. THAT is something hat I envy in a person. That's something that I haven't really figured out yet. Just like a lot of other people.
Soo girls, i have to say this. Stop trying to grow up. When I was younger, these "questionable women" were 16, and it was shocking how young that was. Now girls are trying to mature to the level of a grown woman, at 11 and 12 years old. I beg you to respect yourself. I'm nobody's mother. It's not my place to tell anyone what to do. But all I want is for you girls to realize your value. Find something in your life that you can feel proud of. Everyone deserves pride. We all need it, But don't lower yourself to such a devastating level. It doesn't do anything for you. Well that isn't true. A lot of girls will tell you that making bad decisions and not respecting yourself will make you feel like less of a person at the end of the day. I can't imagine willingly doing that to myself, and the people in my life that care for me. We're all flawed human beings. nobody is perfect, So we all have the task of keeping ourselves in check. Not being perfect is no excuse for not living the best life that you can. You're responsible for your own happiness. Taking responsibility for ourselves is one of the hardest things that we all have to do. But we do.

Ask.fm: Another Rant. Get comfy.

I appreciate the response. I'll definitely mull it over and try and let it sink in. It was actually your post titled "you probably think this is about you", which while I didn't think that, is totally a tendency in thinking for me. Also would like to point out that no I'm not an internet creeper :)

haha I didn't think that, but with a boyfriend in a band who plays for obsessive teen girls its always an issue/concern/thorn in our sides, sadly. 
I actually went back and read that post again. It's a little sad how much of it is me trying to defend my own flaws, both past and present :/ But the message I wanted people to get was that you deserve fulfillment and happiness. and the best way to get that is being a good person, and working hard to achieve it on your own. it will mean more to you that way. 
I had a moment a couple of years ago. where I was thinking about where I wanted to be. and being sad about not getting that far ahead then I realized, that I was the one not taking any steps to move forward. I was the one refusing to grow up. the situation I was in, was not one that would give me the things I wanted. The job I had, the people I had in my life, the relationship I was choosing to be in,* and the habits I had they were all the things holding me back. 
So I realized that I had to grow up a little. I'm struggling with the idea of getting older. Mostly because I'm struggling with the thought that I'm not where I felt I should be in life. I didn't have as much figured out as I wanted to. So I did something about it. I worked on getting a job I could advance in and make good money to be comfortable. The first one didn't work out, but that's life. So I found another job with the opportunities I was looking for and went about getting it. This was a lot of work and took over 6 months and a provincial certification.. but it was the first steps to getting the life I wanted. So I didn't see an option not to.

*this was years ago when I thought people changed, or that you could fix them. If you think this now, you're wasting your time. Please take my advice and cut your losses. Other people's damages are not your obligation to repair/live with.

Anyway I guess what I'm saying is that, more than anything else that rant was about Me. and all the foolish mistakes (hence the name 'Hundred Thousand Mistakes') that kept me from being happy. I guess my hope was that someone would recognize that in themselves and make some changes to be happier.

Thank you so much for your contribution. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my blog, and share your thoughts! thanks again!

Ask.fm: "When you're in really stressful situations, what do you usually do to calm you down?"

I tend to be really good at disappearing into my own head. Taking myself out of the situation, as much as possible. daydreaming as it were. Space out and pretend your some place that you want to be.
 I just focus on breathing as slowly as possible and going somewhere quiet. Even if its to the bathroom for a few minutes to calm down. Controlling your breathing is the most important thing for sure.
Hope that helps :) I love the questions you guys are asking! Ask me a question, or share something you've learned recently! 

For all the (you just lost the) Game Of Thrones Fans out there! So stoked that this series is back!

Ask.fm/hundredthousand

Question: How do you handle stress and anxiety?


well the short answer to that would be "not very well"
I've struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life. Unbeknownst to everyone, including myself up until a few years ago. When things get overwhelming I find it best to be in a quiet place. I don't like for anyone to make physical contact with me at all so that's completely out of the question.I focus on my breathing and slowing it down as much as possible, as that is usually 90% of the problem.

First and foremost, the best thing you can ever do is talk to your doctor. or any doctor. I cannot tell you how important this is. If your having trouble sleeping, eating, or keeping focus, Stress and anxiety may be a more serious problem then you realize. Ever have a ear ache, but you ignore it instead of going to your doctor? It doesn't go away. It gets so much worse right? So you have a brain ache. TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR
Talk to your loved ones.They can probably tell that something is going on with you, and are probably worried because you're not yourself. The absolutely last thing, and the worst thing you can ever do is keep it to yourself. It will never get any better by doing that. Doing things that you know will make your loved ones worry about you is just about the most heartless, inhumane thing you could do to a person. The people that choose to be in your life are there for a reason. they care about you. they are not there to play the head squire in your quest for attention.. (Blatant steal from Nick and Norah)

The most important thing you can do is love yourself. and respect yourself. and always make sure your choices make you happy and healthy.

I'll be the rain, falling on your fire escape

I don't think that it's outside of anyone's basic needs to want someone to want them. At some point, living two separate lives, and keeping them separate, starts to sting a little. When someone is actively keeping the natural progression of a relationship on hold, while they live their life, and achieve all the things they want for themselves, you can't help but wonder what your even doing there at all.
It's hard to decide if that person even wants you, or if they just don't want to be alone or start over. It is however very easy to feel like your not something that is important to them when they make a decision, or take a trip, or plan huge life changes, and they don't involve you at all.
That is not to say that your partner should run everything by you. But take buying a house for example. If someone wanted to spend their life with you, and all that stuff, wouldn't they want you to see the house you'd be moving into? Wouldn't they talk to you about moving in, as buying a house is the inevitable plan. So moving out and into a new place is the end result regardless. So when a loved one is going through all these life changes and you aren't a part of it, what are you to think?
When offers are being made and houses are being seen, and all of these things are going on, and it barely even comes up in conversations, much less is the involvement of your loved ones, maybe they have to assess how you really feel about them, and if they are wasting their time, chasing a relationship that they are never going to have with you.
It's cruel and selfish to keep someone around that you aren't in love with, or planning to  live happily ever after with. You're keeping that person from ever finding that happiness with anyone else. Because you're too selfish and scared to explore any of those feelings within yourself. I can't think of a worst situation to be in. My sympathy and patience go out to all the women, and men, who are stuck in this limbo. Do you chose to live without someone you are in love with? or stay somewhere and keep waiting to feel your feelings reciprocated, without insecurity or dishonesty, and achieve the dreams you've had for most of your life. Bob Marley Said, "“The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.”
But when you have to wonder how much someone is willing to suffer for you, how can you waste the precious amount of life, that you have, suffering?

Formspring Question #11

Formspring asks: What's the bravest thing you've ever done?

I usually have a hard time deciding if the things I'm doing are brave or just really stupid.
I guess the thing that comes to mind is staying in St. John's and living on my own after my ex and I broke up.
We had been together for 3 years. I moved to the city not knowing anyone, to live with him and be with him. naturally it all fell apart. But I stayed. I had to prove to myself that i could do it on my own.
For a long time i had 2 jobs. at times 3. But for the last 5 years I've lived on my own. in my own apartment. My bills are in my name, and i'm responsible for myself. Nobody can take that away from me. Bad things happen to everyone. Too many people think it justifies them to be bitter, and dwell on things. You can't depend on anyone in this world to pick you up. it's not their job. It's yours. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness. People who dwell on bad things, and fill themselves with hate, and insecurity, never learn to trust again, and that is nobodies fault but their own. Writing this post is another one of those things, that i can't decide between Brave or Stupid on. Thank you for your question, Please keep the conversation going at HundredThousandMistakes

The only part that still irks me is he got the Wii. We bought it together and I took the bed, so all's fair. I was just really close to finishing Paper Mario Wii when shit hit the fan...
<3HundredThousand

You probably think this rant is about you

If you've ever catered to a self involved friend, been the adult for your own parent, dated a man child, or had some other person thrust their responsibilities/need onto you you may appreciate this rant. I've needed to get it off my chest for a long time.

We are all responsible for our own happiness. Every human being has the same needs for happiness.
Most of us work very hard, for a long time, and go through a lot of shitty things, and do a lot of jobs we hate, and miss fun nights out making memories with our friends, because we are adults and we have jobs, and it's not the end of the world if we miss one hangover. Not in a legitimate pursuit of happiness.
Most of us go through post secondary education of some kind, because we know we have to put that work in, just like everyone else if we want a more comfortable life down the road.
Most of us have had our heart broken, Been betrayed by someone who meant a lot to us. Some of us struggle with security issues because of poorly handled issues in our past, and still, we carry on in search of love, and companionship and someone to spend our lives with. Looking for that perfect person that you can completely be yourself with for the rest of your life.

So how is it that the self important, juvenile, insecurity ridden, neanderthal still walks the earth? How does one human being manage to slip through that many cracks? We have all experienced one of these people. They thrive on negativity as a means of boosting their ego.

Eg. Girls who weigh less than mannequins saying they are fat, just so people will reassure them that they are beautiful and perfect. Now don't get you're Birkenstock's in a twist, ladies, I'm fully aware of psychological illnesses which give women altered perceptions about how they do/should look. I'm not an idiot. but neither are you. We all know at least one of these girls.
It doesn't make them the scum of the earth. They need to take pride in something and they feel their looks are their strongest assets. I would want to make a person like that feel really smart, so they would take pride in their brain.
Another brutal example is the partner who has trust issues, because his first girlfriend ever cheated on him and he never got over it. Or because her best friend stole her boyfriend so all girls are bitches. Or the guy who tells women that all women cheat and lie and all that disrespectful bullshit.*
That guy hating on his girlfriend and saying she's going to leave him, might be terrified that she is going to find someone better, may he is scared that she'll laugh at him, so he will say he doesn't care if she does, so he'll be winning...somehow?
Maybe that girl is really scared of being mistreated by women, so she guards herself. As if calling yourself a bitch doesn't hurt just as much as someone else saying it to/about you. But if she says it first, and they think that she doesn't care, then maybe nobody will think she's a bitch at all. Maybe they will respect that she thinks for herself and doesn't have any time for fake bullshit, and see what a nice person she is. Or maybe they'll just call her a bitch. Who knows really.
That guy just wants security to know nobody is going to take advantage of him. and that girl wants to have something to take pride in. Something that she really cares about, and takes seriously. To do some good, and have some fun.

*Girls, if you are staying with someone who speaks to you with disrespect, you're just as stupid and ignorant as your redneck/skeet dude boyfriend. Enabling him is not going to make it better. People rarely change on their own. They generally have to lose the things most dear to them to realize what they are doing to the people around them.

Everyone needs something to be proud of. Confidence is a vital need for every single person. Not to be confused with arrogance, a confident person is self assured and comfortable. Open to debate in which new ideas may be exchanged and adopted. The way our whole world moves forward.
If you don't have something that brings you happiness and stress release, then what is the point of living? Find something that makes you happy. Something positive, not drinking or drugs, because that's what you see on tv, and it's dramatic and will make people worry about you. . Grow up and face the issues that make you unhappy like an adult. Everyone deserves to be happy. and we're all responsible for ourselves.

The Kid's Aren't Alright.

Why are less and less people enrolling in university and higher education?
People's goals don't seem to be engineers or teachers, or doctors anymore. that is too much work. Gone are the days of people wanting to make a difference in the world.
I believe that, we are headed into what I am choosing to call an Emotional Ice Age. People have changed. Our wide eyed optimism is little more than Mister Magoo Staring over his steering wheel.
Fewer and fewer people seem to want to propel humanity, curing cancer, or working in government to change things. I don't understand people. Their goals are to make money. as much and as quickly as possible. Peace out, Self Respect, Morals, Humility and Humanity are quickly discarded in an effort to put themselves first, inn some kind of stranger, martyrdom that I don't understand. It's as though they have been abused and finally decide to start living for themselves, and stop giving everything of themselves to others.
"I'm finally going to put myself first. I'm going to do me.".
Except there was nobody taking advantage in the beginning. Merely a false sense of entitlement, and a glorious absence of sophistication.
All the things once deemed to be taboo or shocking, or just plainly inappropriate are now shoved into our faces as a sort of challenge to morals and common decency 
I used to believe that challenging someone's perception of things was a good thing. But i suppose it's only a good thing when it's being used for a good reason.
I guess the biggest factor (in my opinion) was a generation that think they were a lot more significant than they were. seemingly justified to bite the hand that feeds them.
Poor Kurt Cobain, getting to live his dream, and the dream of millions, and still being able to sleep at night knowing you're only amounting to a reason for conflict, and a fraction of the difference that you COULD have made to mental health issues/conditions/patients. AND! And having the nerve to complain about it.
I will never feel bad for someone with that much power and comfort. Especially when it's being wasted. You're happiness is you're own responsibility 
After this comes the new generation
A generation of over coddling parents, telling their children that they are special, and important, and putting them on a pedestal  terrified their going to be another Cobain, until that's all they've created. Self Indulgent, whiny children who know nothing other than how amazingly entitled they are.