Gossip Folk

I'd like to say that I will never understand people that need to gossip, and pass around negativity.
But I do.
Insecurity is a powerful thing. I can completely understand how someone in a position that they are not happy in, has to work so hard at cutting other people down, and doing awful things to them.
It's sad, and a little messed up.
Instead of bettering yourself, which takes actual work, and a lot of character, I do completely understand how someone with not a lot going for them, would pass on doing that work, and concentrate on bringing someone they're intimidated by, down to their level.
It's easier. and Lord knows The Worthless hate work, or taking responsibility for themselves.
Except it doesn't really work out.
When people continue to pass you by, while you stay in the same dead end space, trolling and hating, it's hard to see all the flaws in them, and not pick up on the flaws in the person with nothing going for them, continuously running their mouth, or looking for things to gossip about.
It's truly depressing that our generation has such little self worth. Maybe if they'd had a better life, or better parents, or more discipline, or even more importance put on education or character, they would chose the (obviously) more enlightened path.
Maybe they wouldn't act like worthless wastes of space, until that's all anyone thought of, at the mention of their name.
If your unhappy in your life, change it. It isn't anyone's problem but yours
If you've had a rough childhood, or someone was mean to you, get the fuck over yourself. your not special.
I would say that 95% of people have not had a perfect life. Your just like everyone else, except everyone else is smart enough, and strong enough to deal with their shit, and not let it dictate their lives. I occasionally go out to see a band I like, and it kills me, that you can walk into at least four different bars downtown, and all the same bar rats from 5 years ago are still there. I may go to a bar once or twice a month, and I see the same faces, except now they look much sadder, and weathered. Still telling me all about their new band, as if it's not exactly the same as their last shitty band that isn't going anywhere. Every. Single, Time, While most of us moved on, grew up, and got on with the progress of our lives, and I'm not talking about staff. or bar owners. clearly they would sustain a business.
I mean the people with nothing else to do, nowhere else to be, than sitting at a bar, or home on their computer, shooting shit and generally being a worthless hater.
People who watch their friends grow up, move on, find relationships, healthy routines and mature with their life, and just move on to the next slightly younger/dumber group of friends. Then they evolve past you, and you stay where you are, waiting for new people who don't know your tired, pathetic game yet.
I feel bad for these people. Clearly they are not living up to any kind of potential whatsoever, so their defensive. The thing they need to realize is, they don't have to defend themselves. Because nobody is even talking about them, People who only breed negativity, label themselves so the rest of society soon realizes they are counter productive, and forgets all about them. The only time these people get mentioned, is in the piteous tone, of understanding, and sadness that people like this exist.

What Really Matters

When my grandfather passed away I had lived through my first semester of University. 3 hours away from where I had grown up as a very sheltered, admittedly ignorant of life experience or maturity.
He was a lot of different things. he'd lived a lot of different versions of himself. Before I was born he had a problem with alcohol. when my father was a child, alcoholism was legitimately a life choice, where I'm from.
After a long time of being very unhappy, and abusing himself with alcohol, he realized how unhappy he made my grand mother and their two children, he stopped all that. Turned over a new leaf and became an entirely different version of himself. A man that I grew up with, who made jokes, and liked cartoons. Who always had candy, and some time for being silly with a child.
When I was a teenage my grand father got cancer. Sadly, there is nothing unique in that sentence. Hundreds of people, lose their loved ones to Cancer every day. It is soul crushing, to continue on filling the space in your heart left by a human being, with a handful of memories. memory is truly bittersweet in that it is always telling us that we can never go backwards.
I an a very fortunate person. My grand father went through radiation treatments. He got very very sick, and then he got better. He came home. He drove me home every single time i went for a run, stopped into his home for a glass of water, and didn't want to run home. The day he left my hometown, to come to the city, for his treatments, My Grand father smoked his last cigarette. He said, "Well that's it", and threw half a pack, into the garbage can. To this day, my grand mother swears that he never touched one again
But in 2008, after my first semester away from home, separated from my family, figuring out what was important to me, my grand father got very sick. he was gone within 72 hours. A few years before, he had undergone a hernia operation. Complications had caused him to quietly, painlessly and quickly, slip away from us.
When my grand mother brought home his clothing from the hospital, she emptied his pockets. for some reason, I took the money left there. some change, nothing bigger than a quarter.
I brought it home and put it in a black silk bag.
I never understood what it meant to me. I often wondered if it meant I was a material person. Was I a bad person, because I couldn't find any significance in anything other than money and stuff?
Today I understand what it means to me. As I clean my house on a rainy Sunday, I find my little black silk bag, behind a photograph of my younger brother. My Grandfather, My dad and my brother all share a lot of common features. so it seemed appropriate to keep family together.
Today I know why I kept the money. Not for the value, but for the symbol. The most valuable thing my grandfather has given me, is humility, awareness, and a willingness to start over.
Both literally, and metaphorically, I kept the closest thing I possible could. I kept Change.

The Questions keep coming :)

All anons this week! Keep the questions and shares coming! I love it!

how do you handle creative blocks? what do you recommend to someone who feels stifled in their creative endeavors but wishes to overcome these?

I think the first thing to decide is what is stifling you in the first place. What is it that you want to say, and why can't you just say it. Everyone needs an outlet for self expression and creativity, but it's up to you to find your means of expressing yourself, in a way that makes you happy without interfering with other people. I personally don't put pressure on myself to create at all. When something inspires me to write, I express what I have to say about the topic. If someone asks me a question I will respond in the best way that I know how. You cannot force creativity. it must come from an organic desire to express oneself. Find what inspires you and express it, as long as you're not interfering with, or abusing other people in the process. Nobody's happiness is worth the suffering of another person, your personal feelings are irrelevant

If you had to live the rest of your life in a movie which one would you pick?

Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.

How do you deal with liars?

The funny thing about liars is often they are not smart enough to not get caught. So they get caught and have to lie in the bed they made for themselves

a tiny amount of growth maybe

Yesterday was a very interesting day for me.
I should back up a little. I recently accepted a role in a community theatre version of August: Osage County. which I am very excited about. It's a very well written play and the director seems to really know her stuff. I'm very optimistic.

So yesterday I get an email that is CC'd to the entire cast. and I notice some names on the list I've worked with before a couple friends and people that I think are really great actors.  One of the names however is one of the most insufferable old bitches I've ever had the unfortunate luck of meeting.
Now a very short time ago, this would have ruined my entire day. Knowing that I'd have to spend a lot of my free time with people who's had a negative impact on my life. but yesterday it didn't seem to bother me so much.

So I go to work and the charming little girl who I mentioned as my Manager (From the Insurance Company, in an earlier post called Day One) For any one who won't bother to check back, I wrote to her trying to set up a meeting to return my things and resign. She wrote me back firing me on the spot, without letting me leave on my own. It was very unfair and hurtful but proved that I didn't want to be the kind of person that likes selling Life Insurance to senior citizens on fixed incomes, Or is really good at it. It takes a shitty person to do business that way. Someone who actually claimed to be dead inside with no conscience. What a gift, to be so self aware, at such a young age.

Anyway the Ice Queen comes to the counter, with her fake insurance sales smile and says
"Hey Missus! Haven't seen you in ages. You're working here now are you??"
I had to walk away to get change for a guy, but was very happy to leave before I burst into laughter The last thing she said to me was that I was fired. via text message. This class act is so simple that she can't even remember a couple of months ago.

I couldn't help but find it funny that she was legitimately pretending nothing happened and was acting as though we were old friends.

"haven't seen you in ages"
of course you haven't seen me? I tried to sit down with you and you fired me. Where would you see me?

Later the same day, I go out to eat at a new restaurant, downtown. One of the few people that I will never ever speak to again, is sitting 4 tables away staring at me, not unlike the slow-witted Goldfish, while I eat, my broccoli. Again, this would have ruined my mood a couple of years ago. But I looked up and said "well...it's just raining bitches today" and we laughed and went about our date.

Now generally a day that is just teeming with unintelligent, hurt filled people would have sent me home to cry in my bed. I've come to realize that throughout my life, females in my life have betrayed me, abused me and disregarded and disrespected me as a person. While I know it's unreasonable like everyone else, I cannot change or help my feelings.

I'm afraid of girls.

This day, however I thought it was so funny. What are the odds of three awful people in one day? I feel like that may be a little progress, however shallow of inconsequential it may be to anyone else. Other people don't affect my happiness anymore. At least they affect it a lot less.

Bookmark Added.

I just came upon what I think is a fascinating discovery. In very broad terms, this is what happens in every single fight I've ever had with the opposite sex.

I'm pissed off. and even though I'm an intelligent human being who is fully aware that I'm being insecure and am probably blatantly wrong, I don't want the blame right away.
At the moment, that I am mad, I want to feel like it is not my fault. and that everyone sucks except me. It doesn't matter what the issue is. Shut up, I know that was a yield sign. I already feel stupid. I know my friend will be my friend again in an hour. Right now it will make me feel better to hear someone else confirming that She's wrong and I'm right.

I think I realized that we don't need you to fix it. You want to fix it because in your boy brain, that seems to be the best thing to do. As far as instincts go, I personally think it's endearing to want to save or or fix something. But, in reality, when you do try to fix it, it makes us feel like we can't do it ourselves and some of us don't like that, so we get defensive, but you can't figure out why because you're just trying to help.
In our own languages, we both know whats wrong, we just have different ways of helping each other.

Now if only I understood men, this whole puzzle will be a little easier...

Chris Rock know's what I'm talking about

Ask.fm: Scary Experience

What has been the scariest experience in your life?

Coming home from England, (the most amazing trip of my life), to find out that they were waiting for me to come back to have tests done for cancer. I had tests done before my trip and they came back with some questionable results over the 2 months I was gone. The worst part of the whole thing was that nobody in my family would tell me about my results. I knew nothing at all until I got off a plane, and my mom told me i had to leave university and go back to Grand Falls-Windsor where a specialist was waiting for me to do biopsies and other invasive, uncomfortable tests. I know that my family didnt want to ruin my trip. They didn't want me to be on another continent and worried about things I couldn't control. But this is something that I still struggle with because I'm the kind of person who would want to know. and they know that, and unfortunately it's something that has affected my trust with several people because.

Lucky I was and still am cancer free, and a lot of people don't get so lucky. But that was easily the scariest experience of my life.

Ask.fm

This actually breaks my heart, but this is a real question sent to me via Ask.fm.

Why am I so ugly ?

I'm so sorry that you feel like you're ugly. I've only seen your display photo but you look like a beautiful girl. I also noticed all the hateful questions and insecure words left for you to "answer" as if you could?
I'm the last person to tell anyone to do anything. When that was a problem for me I handled it very poorly and let those people make me feel bad about myself. All you need to worry about is finding something that your good at and take pride in it. A hobby or an art form. Something that you can get really good at and you'll see that your confidence and happiness isn't affected by those people. You're the one in control of your happiness. So make your life what YOU want it to be and make the most of it.
I learned a very difficult lesson over the last few years. I realized that we're all broken. We're all insecure and hurt. and its very unfortunate that those other people think that making you feel bad will make them feel better, because it doesn't work that way
When I was in high school, I was awkward, and thin and pale. Boys thought I was weird, or someone that they could use at their own discretion Girls appeared to think I was some kind of psychological punching bag. and I didn't get what I had done. None of that has changed at all sadly. Except now I realize that I hadn't done anything. I was a proud and confident person. Outspoken and charismatic. and that intimidates people. We all resent the things that we can't have. Sadly I'm the furthest from that confident, happy person, that i have ever been in my life. But I'm getting back there. and If a mess of a human being like me can do it, I believe that anyone can

In my life right now, I'm moved into a suburb. and struggled with the idea of leaving my rustic* downtown St. John's life behind, but it is in every way an improvement. Now I completely resent this house across the street with beautiful renovations and a lovely deck/garden. I find myself standing in the window, enviously watching their hot tub get delivered, or as their new paved driveway gets finished. I think that moment made me realize I'm an adult now. Lamest.

*Rustic is a word that furniture stores use to describe, cheap, crappy or unfinished furniture.
*Read: ghetto

Ask.fm: Another Rant. Get comfy.

I appreciate the response. I'll definitely mull it over and try and let it sink in. It was actually your post titled "you probably think this is about you", which while I didn't think that, is totally a tendency in thinking for me. Also would like to point out that no I'm not an internet creeper :)

haha I didn't think that, but with a boyfriend in a band who plays for obsessive teen girls its always an issue/concern/thorn in our sides, sadly. 
I actually went back and read that post again. It's a little sad how much of it is me trying to defend my own flaws, both past and present :/ But the message I wanted people to get was that you deserve fulfillment and happiness. and the best way to get that is being a good person, and working hard to achieve it on your own. it will mean more to you that way. 
I had a moment a couple of years ago. where I was thinking about where I wanted to be. and being sad about not getting that far ahead then I realized, that I was the one not taking any steps to move forward. I was the one refusing to grow up. the situation I was in, was not one that would give me the things I wanted. The job I had, the people I had in my life, the relationship I was choosing to be in,* and the habits I had they were all the things holding me back. 
So I realized that I had to grow up a little. I'm struggling with the idea of getting older. Mostly because I'm struggling with the thought that I'm not where I felt I should be in life. I didn't have as much figured out as I wanted to. So I did something about it. I worked on getting a job I could advance in and make good money to be comfortable. The first one didn't work out, but that's life. So I found another job with the opportunities I was looking for and went about getting it. This was a lot of work and took over 6 months and a provincial certification.. but it was the first steps to getting the life I wanted. So I didn't see an option not to.

*this was years ago when I thought people changed, or that you could fix them. If you think this now, you're wasting your time. Please take my advice and cut your losses. Other people's damages are not your obligation to repair/live with.

Anyway I guess what I'm saying is that, more than anything else that rant was about Me. and all the foolish mistakes (hence the name 'Hundred Thousand Mistakes') that kept me from being happy. I guess my hope was that someone would recognize that in themselves and make some changes to be happier.

Thank you so much for your contribution. I really appreciate you taking the time to read my blog, and share your thoughts! thanks again!

Ask.fm Share!

Ask.fm says: Don't forget that April is also Sexual Assault Awareness month. One in three women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime (terrifying, isn't it?). I think that awareness needs to be better promoted and that people learn to stop victim blame. Some of us die inside when we see it in the media.

Amazing share! I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't realize that April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month, but it's very clearly an issue that deserves our attention. Thank you for taking the time to contribute :) <3

knock it off!

I have a problem with people who tell their kids or other kids that they have it easy. You have no idea what that child is going through. You're an adult, and they have to trust you.
By fantasizing a childhood full of hopscotch and chalk drawings in the middle of the street, you're telling that child that they are not strong enough. That what they have going on doesn't matter. You devalue them.  And when their self worth is decreased, the bar they set for themselves is lowered.
They aren't stupid.
Treat them like they are people. People that need your protection and support to grow up healthy and secure, and they just might surprise you. I'm not saying you should let them do what they want. Kids need boundaries and rules. But they need to feel good too. Violent Games and Adult television shows are not for kids. It's your job to protect them from those things. You're their parent, not their friend. Kids will be exposed to a million things that are far too mature for them to process or experience properly. Don't add to that pile of potential reasons your kid gets screwed up.

Actual hindsight.

Is it more important to readjust your goals for a once in a lifetime experience? Or should the initial goal be reassessed once we find a place in life that is a surprise comfort zone.
A relationship, or a job, or a group of friends that brings you happiness are very valuable things to some people. but not to others. How do you give each other what you need and do the things that your partner needs to make them happy, instinctively, when your instincts are completely different from your loved ones.
I have to admit I found myself in a relationship like this. I've never met an Abed who was so completely opposite to myself. He gave the impression of being vain and slow, which I don't fully understand because now that I know 500% more about him then I did back in those early times, I see the things that gave me that impression, and now that I understand them better, I realize that the last things you could ever use to describe him is egotistical or ignorant.
I found him unbelievably attractive. Truth be told I had known who he was for a really long time. We had met at Noisy Nan"s (a popular jam space, a few years back, tons of people always jamming and hanging out. It was fantastic.) and I was all fluttery and embarrassed  Cause I'm me. and that's nothing like being a normal person with a working brain. Anyway this was months before we were ever a couple. I quickly found out that he had a girlfriend. I was a little crushed. But moved on to date someone, I thought I could fix. Thank God I got out of that. Better late then never I suppose.
But I digress. I realize now that being someone with so much emotional need was just as frustrating as being someone with little emotional needs. Abed and I were so different. So we had to spend more time in the other person's shoes then our own, just to connect. The hardest part about communicating differently, and showing your affection and love is different ways is knowing what your partner appreciates, and what they don't recognize as signs of affection. Try to speak someone else's language, before you expect them to speak yours. Try to understand your loved ones
I think the key is not to find what makes you happy. It's to find the person that has all the qualities you love. and if you want to make them happy, maybe you get lucky and that person wants to spend their time making you happy as well. It takes some people a long time to find that person. Some people find it once in a lifetime. If you have found love in your life, you're a very lucky person, so cherish your loved ones. You're lucky to have them.

"Life is only as good as the memories we make"

Seriously.

So I made a horrifying discovery today.
I logged on to ask.fm to check my questions and share with some people.
I asked (anonymously) for everyone to share their best friend's best trait. and then to share the 3 things they were most proud of about themselves.
Not a single person had a single good thing to say about themselves.
Not a single thing they were proud of.
That is absolutely heartbreaking. Everyone, especially young people, NEED to have something to be proud of. We need to show the people in our lives that they are important, and that they have things going for them. I'm legitimately sad that nobody on ask.fm is proud of themselves. I truly believe that every single human being is beautiful in their own way. Everyone has something to offer that nobody else does. The only thing sadder than feeling as though you don't have anything, is seeing girls who feel that their body is the one thing that they DO have to offer.
I got a question that asked what I would like to change. I would like to change the way women view themselves. I would like to give them self respect and show them the beauty in everyone so nobody ever has to say "good qualities about myself? I dunno" that is the saddest response I've ever gotten. and I will never forget it. I am however determined to change it.

Jersey Bore

Entertainment has become too foolish, for me to not write about it.
Maybe it can be attributed to our love of pushing boundaries and progressing, on some level, but we lost the wheels on that excuse 20 years ago.
I am sure someone wants to quote some stupid newspaper about Elvis being risque, and how we progress as a species, but we've allowed shows like Jersey Shore and Honey Boo Boo to get on television and experience wild success. That's not progress, and we should be ashamed of ourselves. This is the only post that makes me want to curse. Thinking about this gets me all "fired up" as a dbag on Big Brother Canada would say

I don't get what his problem is. Settle down Alberta. guys like you always leave BB half way through. They run out of steam and blow up on some mom/sensitive person. Fucks their whole game. So chill. it's not about ratings, Alberta.

This has to be said (and shared hint!hint!)

Jersey Shore
If you actually enjoy this show, you may have brain damage. If you relate to the characters, or the situations, or anything that anyone says on this "program", you may qualify as mentally retarded. Whats worse is people who enjoyed watching those poor, useless puppets, in a way that they think is ironic and clever.
Newsflash ya douche bag.
If you weren't threatened by people in your life, you wouldn't be so insecure to need to compare yourself to anyone else. You're dumber and worse off that the morons that enjoy the program. Because if you were as smart as you believe you are, you wouldn't have any need to look down your nose at anyone. So (Wo)man up and make the improvements that you need to be happy in your own life, you're not better than anyone and that attitude make you a loser.

video killed the industry

So I have made a couple of significant changes this week. A lot is happening. My apologies for not being around.
I began my career on Monday Morning. I'm now an Independent Insurance Agent working for AIL.  Selling Life, accident and Cancer insurance, among other kinds. I'm working with people to find ways to meet their needs and provide for themselves and it feels amazing. Selling Insurance doesn't sound like it woulds be very exciting. But it sort of is. My Co Workers are amazing. My office is here in town, I work whenever I want and I have an extensive, very generous benefits program. I have picked out one of the policies that my company offers, for myself and I'm providing for my whole life, at a very affordable cost because I'm so young.
It's a very exciting position to be in, but it was in no way easy. My education began with a 21 day online program. Paid for by my employer. Which ended with a multiple choice evaluation, of 140 questions. I'm not trying to slight this exam at all. It costs $100 to do. My company also paid that for the first one, and that exam was so horrifying that I left the exam room feeling violated. I scored 54% on the $100 Free Exam. I needed 60%. I wanted to cry, but I didn't. I just went and booked the second one. paid the $100 myself, and wrote it again in two weeks.
2 days later I was at the Confederation Building having my licence processed and given to me. Tuesday and Wednesday, After some training, Jenn took me out in the field with her. We drove to Old Shop and New Harbour, meeting clients and helping them find solutions to their concerns.
People are always so relieved and relaxed after they take care of this stuff. Nobody wants to think about getting older. it's depressing, when you have so much left that you want to do. But making some arrangements now so you (or your family) don't have to in the future is one of the most affordable, important, generous things you can do for your family and loved ones.
So many people lay awake at night, with a seriously ill parent, and worries about their parents, and their own families being in this unfortunate, devastating position.
That's what it comes down to for me. I've never slept well. I can't fall asleep well, i don't stay asleep, and when I wake up I have a hard time getting back to sleep. My mind races. It's mainly the fault of an onset anxiety disorder that I possess. Jealous right?
But there are other people who go to sleep a little easier because of the work I do. Because i care and and I'm a sensitive person so I can't help but attach myself to my work a little. Maybe that is wrong. or stupid. But maybe it means that i actually care, and I have a conscience and that will make me really really good at it.

I've worked in a lot of industries that were much too rough for me. Partially because I used to think that at some point I felt I had to. That it was everyone's duty to do something that was difficult for someone other than yourself. That was being a human being, and finding another human being to love.. I still believe people owe it to the world to be kind to each other and to strive for peace and harmony. that will never change. but I didn't have to do it, like I thought I did. I think I just had to prove to myself that I could do all those things. I had to prove to myself that while I wanted a comfortable life, I didn't need one to be happy. But my goodness it helps.
Nobody ever put more pressure on me than I put on myself. In every aspect of my life. That is a flaw I will be working to fix, probably for the rest of my life. Thank God I have an amazing insurance package*.

My ideal job is based on morals, and acting in good conscience, and talking with people. It's connecting with people and adding to the value of their life. It's a lot easier to fall asleep at night knowing you made it easier for a few other people around the city to fall asleep that night. if you look hard enough. You will always find what you are looking for. You just have to make sure your looking for the right things.

*PROTIP: buy insurance when you're young. it costs pennies on the dollar (literally) and you'll never lose it. Invest in yourself, and others will too.

Papa Don't Preach

My dad and I are too much alike, to ever get along properly, like normal human beings. My dad is an old hippe. I'm a reborn hippie. So we always connect on things like music and (sure I'll say it) my deep affection for Mary Jane.
In a lot of ways we are kindred spirits, with the same hopes for the world. except everything he says (through no personal fault of his own), comes through a slightly homophobic, uneducated filter, that you can only really blame on his era in time. the way he grew up and the time he grew up in
but naturally, him being overly conservative and me being overly liberal and supportive of any and every alternative form of a happy lifestyle, causes us to butt heads a lot.
While he is a free thinking person, who believe in the power of love and music, he is very set in his ways. He is from a time when homophobia and racist jokes were not taboo. Born and raised in a community that profits on control and influence regularly, Social pressure is a vicious thing to answer too in a small community.
The things I realize these days is that I'm just like my dad. Insecure, threatened, and I believe, for my own part anyway, damaged by small town mentality, and plain ignorance, manipulating a fragile soul.
My hometown is a beautiful place that has the unfortunate luck of being run filled with very unhappy, insecure people. So threatened by everyone around them, and secretive of their lives. Nobody wants anyone to know anything about them, but that is not necessarily wrong because everyone is in each others business, in as judgmental of a way as they can possible manage. I get it. I do. It just seems so very sad. That is why people like we do the 18 years they were sentenced and get the fuck out of dodge at our earliest convenience It's a shame really. the potential that location could have were it to shed its ignorance and insecurity and attempt to move forward with the rest of humanity.

You probably think this rant is about you

If you've ever catered to a self involved friend, been the adult for your own parent, dated a man child, or had some other person thrust their responsibilities/need onto you you may appreciate this rant. I've needed to get it off my chest for a long time.

We are all responsible for our own happiness. Every human being has the same needs for happiness.
Most of us work very hard, for a long time, and go through a lot of shitty things, and do a lot of jobs we hate, and miss fun nights out making memories with our friends, because we are adults and we have jobs, and it's not the end of the world if we miss one hangover. Not in a legitimate pursuit of happiness.
Most of us go through post secondary education of some kind, because we know we have to put that work in, just like everyone else if we want a more comfortable life down the road.
Most of us have had our heart broken, Been betrayed by someone who meant a lot to us. Some of us struggle with security issues because of poorly handled issues in our past, and still, we carry on in search of love, and companionship and someone to spend our lives with. Looking for that perfect person that you can completely be yourself with for the rest of your life.

So how is it that the self important, juvenile, insecurity ridden, neanderthal still walks the earth? How does one human being manage to slip through that many cracks? We have all experienced one of these people. They thrive on negativity as a means of boosting their ego.

Eg. Girls who weigh less than mannequins saying they are fat, just so people will reassure them that they are beautiful and perfect. Now don't get you're Birkenstock's in a twist, ladies, I'm fully aware of psychological illnesses which give women altered perceptions about how they do/should look. I'm not an idiot. but neither are you. We all know at least one of these girls.
It doesn't make them the scum of the earth. They need to take pride in something and they feel their looks are their strongest assets. I would want to make a person like that feel really smart, so they would take pride in their brain.
Another brutal example is the partner who has trust issues, because his first girlfriend ever cheated on him and he never got over it. Or because her best friend stole her boyfriend so all girls are bitches. Or the guy who tells women that all women cheat and lie and all that disrespectful bullshit.*
That guy hating on his girlfriend and saying she's going to leave him, might be terrified that she is going to find someone better, may he is scared that she'll laugh at him, so he will say he doesn't care if she does, so he'll be winning...somehow?
Maybe that girl is really scared of being mistreated by women, so she guards herself. As if calling yourself a bitch doesn't hurt just as much as someone else saying it to/about you. But if she says it first, and they think that she doesn't care, then maybe nobody will think she's a bitch at all. Maybe they will respect that she thinks for herself and doesn't have any time for fake bullshit, and see what a nice person she is. Or maybe they'll just call her a bitch. Who knows really.
That guy just wants security to know nobody is going to take advantage of him. and that girl wants to have something to take pride in. Something that she really cares about, and takes seriously. To do some good, and have some fun.

*Girls, if you are staying with someone who speaks to you with disrespect, you're just as stupid and ignorant as your redneck/skeet dude boyfriend. Enabling him is not going to make it better. People rarely change on their own. They generally have to lose the things most dear to them to realize what they are doing to the people around them.

Everyone needs something to be proud of. Confidence is a vital need for every single person. Not to be confused with arrogance, a confident person is self assured and comfortable. Open to debate in which new ideas may be exchanged and adopted. The way our whole world moves forward.
If you don't have something that brings you happiness and stress release, then what is the point of living? Find something that makes you happy. Something positive, not drinking or drugs, because that's what you see on tv, and it's dramatic and will make people worry about you. . Grow up and face the issues that make you unhappy like an adult. Everyone deserves to be happy. and we're all responsible for ourselves.

Formspring Question #6

Solo1 says: This site is packed to the rafters with pointless bullshit and 14-year-old girls posting lyrics from stupid bands. Well done on not being one of those. "Getting offended about stupid things has got to be one of our societies biggest wastes of time".

wow. thank you so much. I've never been quoted before! haha Please feel free to ask anything on my blog, Hindsight. I get lots of negativity too. but that doesn't mean I can't try to make a difference.
I'm far from mediocre. so why should I settle for a mediocre world, that I do not want to be a part of? Thank you for your time. Positivity can prevail if we all chose to be active in making it! Why keep waiting for people to give us what we want, when we can make it for ourselves? - a.p.

Stitches (Pt2)

Maybe it's only the people who mourn the loss and move on that are truly happy. After awhile it just gets harder to stay so sad and hurt. Especially when someone is working so hard to win you over again. Then again, sometimes, the person doesn't care to win you over again. So maybe I'm full of shit and this is all just a valuable lesson in Barking Up The Wrong Tree, or maybe it's a lesson in Flogging A Dead Horse...gross.
One of the few universal truth of relationships!
You can be in love with whomever you please, but don't assume anyone owes you anything for that if they do not reciprocate your feelings. It sucks. But it is, what it is. Stop dwelling on what you want to work. you'll never find where you're meant to be happy. I'm sure in high school you thought you were in love with a Pierce too, and on some level we were. We were as "in love" as our capacity for human emotion would allow. Maybe becoming more mature and growing up is about figuring out how to love, and who to spend your life with. Your heart should always be twice as full as you're wallet, after all. :)

Stitches (Pt.1)

Pierce.
He cheated on me with my friend after she had spent a couple weeks flirting with him behind my back. In later years, I learned that he had said some awful things about deflowering me. He never ever got the opportunity, just for the record. He did get the chance to do some gardening with my friend though. But that is a sad story, really. and I'm getting off topic...
My point is. I still think about that. I have a will to mistrust, and look for evidence now, and im realizing with my chatting with Annie, that event in my life was something that Was never ever confronted. Nobody ever apologized, or explained. The worst part of it all is 90% of my friends, just all starting hanging out with them. I was the only excluded from the whole thing. That is a feeling, that I, to this day would not wish on my worst enemy.
A feeling of being devalued, and humiliated. My hometown is a small place. one high school. everyone in town, in my age group, knew him. and by proxy, I suppose, they thought they knew me. I'm not trying to say they owe me anything. A few years back he messaged me on facebook and apologized for it all*. But scars are scars. lots of them leave a mark on you for a long time. A few never leave you, and you're forced to have them forever. Sometimes they are an accident. A lesson learned. Sometimes they are self inflicted.
I realized something that I had lost sight of. Today I was finally ready to let go of some things, and to be happy, and to trust. I think everyone goes through a mourning period
sometimes for a loved one who is no longer with us.
Some for the relationship that you want to work so badly but it just won't.
Some for the loss of trust, and security that comes from an infidelity, by a partner or friend.
I think that, the mourning period is different for everyone, and maybe even every situation. This is perhaps why relationships are so much work.

the F word

I don't know why I even have a Facebook (F word. see what I did there?). For the most part it just makes me angry because a lot of people are really thoughtless, and for the most part, they couldn't find any Class or Tact, if they had a map.
A friend of mine made a statement (on a post, made by a band I follow) showing his support. He posted that he had his tickets to their upcoming show. I did the same, seemed like a nice, positive thing to do. Less than five minutes later his girlfriend charms her way into the conversation, to correct him stating that she had purchased his ticket for him.

Little gestures of disregard like this make me so angry. Emasculating, or belittling someone who means a lot to you. It's f**king stupid. I want to shout at them, "Do you have any idea what you mean to that person? You're so lucky and you're ruining it all on your own."
I hate that I have a button like that, that causes me to over react but realistically we all do.
I furiously typed out a post to share after I read her emasculating, rude comment. being reminded of all the things that could annoy one about this specific broad specimen person.
"wow. that's cool. How nice of you, Chang. He would probably lose his balls anyway, it's better that you hold onto them i suppose."

Ugg...What a dame.The small, corner of my brain that controls reason, caused me to debate for 5 minutes, but inevitably, delete my harsh words, and take to the almighty blog instead.

When did the unspoken loyalty between friends disappear? Or the maturity to treat your loved one with respect, and help build them up, rather than make jokes at their expense and embarrass them. These are small gestures, you may think don't matter, or things you dismiss, saying,"well he never mentioned it after", or "if she was mad I would know for sure"

Not everyone is the same. I, for one do not want to live in a world where "If I wasn't happy I wouldn't be here" is acceptable. or "I love you, until further notice" is the attitude taken toward someone you care about
I worry that the world is becoming too cold. Romance and Love are all but dead in a world that revolves around money and self preservation.