Aging Ungracefully.

My neck hurts. The closer I get to being 30, the easier it seems to be, to hurt myself, without even understanding how. I have no idea how I hurt my neck. I spent most of last night tossing and turning, trying to find a position that didn't send shooting pain, up into my brain, and down my back. As a result, I'm home, taking a sick day, to enjoy the headache and radiating pain, in the privacy of my own home.
Getting older is lame. When your a kid, all you want to do is be an adult. what's the appeal? You can eat cookies whenever you want to, stay up as late as you want, and buy alcohol. But nobody tells you that your metabolism kicks out around 25, and your body rejects being awake after 10:30pm, shortly after that.
So now your in your 30's. Enjoying a michelob ultra (watching those carbs now), at 9pm before starting a 45 minute skin care routine. You fall into your bed exhausted because now you wake up at 6:30 every day, like some barn yard animal.
Half your friends have trades, so they work on shifts. 5 days on, 5 days off, etc. You and more of your friends work a regular 9-5. Others are still in school, because none of us really know what we wanted to be when we grew up.
So you can't coordinate your schedules or any disposable income to socialize, or see each other. For a lot of us, the appeal of drinking is gone once you can do it freely and legally. If your a petite body type like myself, you may realize that your really bad at alcohol, and opt to not really drink all that often. So that avenue of socializing is out.
Even if you could get everyone on the same page, everyone is so tired and plagued by social anxieties and other mental health issues that nobody wants to leave their house anyway.
Don't misunderstand me. I hated being a teenager. High school was a nightmare, and I'm very satisfied living on my own terms, in my own lifestyle. But with friends you can't see, Money you can't spend and time you can't waste, it's a sad state of affairs that is only slightly better than living in your parent's basement.
When you consider having someone else do your laundry, cooking your meals, and do your grocery shopping, it's a small wonder that any of us ever left at all. How old is too old to move back in with your parents?

Kid Rant

I'm so bloody sick and tired of people using the word Bully. I hate it. It's a scapegoat to hide behind, and a poor excuse to escape taking ownership of a lack of parenting.
I think that everything is just to easy now. I was bullied as a child. Like most people. It's a natural part of life to meet with aggression at some points and to learn how to deal with it. Kids will be kids. It's up to parents to be parents.
If your kid is being bullied on the internet, then she needs to not be on the internet. You can't control everyone that your child comes in contact. and you can let them run off on their own to fall on their face all the time. Reason would say that at some point you have to stop letting "your" iPad occupy your children, while the internet raises them and you watch dancing with the stars.
There were on computers when I was born. At some point in grade school we got one, and later on moved onto having the internet and limited internet time. the key word there LIMITED I was allowed to be on the computer for 1 hour.
There is no point in lying, I found some bad stuff on the internet. Natural curiosity is going to cause anyone to go looking for something thought to be taboo, for any number of reasons.  But I was raised actively by two parents who spent time with me. They taught me right from wrong, so when I saw an ad that was bad, seemed like a virus or was just plain lewd, I simply viewed it as a waste of time. vulgarity was always something my mother repulsed. to this day she does not swear and scolds my 27 year old self every time I curse in her presence. I suppose in a lot of ways I had it easy. There was no internet to isolate me. and when there was, my parents had a problem with it.
It bothers me to see parents handing off their cellphone or tablet and letting the child stare, poking a touchscreen the entire time they are in a restaurant.  It is not a tool to allow parents to act as though they didn't choose to become parents. It's a full-time job being a parent. It takes a lot of work. If you want a night off (as I'll be the first to say, any parent is entitled to) get a sitter and enjoy a night alone.  If you want to have family dinner leave all the electronics at home and spend a couple of hours with your kids.  Please don't let the internet raise your kids. It will make them stupid and obese and disappointments to you, and everyone else.
It's a task that I know, myself, I am not up to. I'm not cut out to be a parent at all, and I believe that if more people took that notion more seriously, and assessed if they were or were not able to raise a child properly, and took the proper intelligent, well known, correct methods to protect themselves, we wouldn't have such an over populated social service system, to be so underfunded. We can't increase budgets with money that we do not have. We have to decrease need to lighten the load on everything.

Orange Leaves, and Hoodie Sleeves

I'm having a lot of trouble writing again. I suppose to don't really have that much to say. I've been working as much as possible and had a lovely, eventful Thanksgiving Weekend. (Canadian Thanksgiving, Obviously)

I've been working as much as possible and I'm finally seeing it pay off. I'm finally starting to get ahead, and the optimism it's given me is like being revived. For a long time I thought it was impossible to advance or get ahead. A lot of set backs had me very discouraged. But I'm getting there and it's a fantastic feeling. Making Headway. I'm starting to think that life is really all about the little things. I see retirement commercials telling me to spend my youth working all day every day so I can be rich when I'm 65 and falling apart. I don't see value in that. I think we should work hard some time and relax, play and enjoy our lives some time. I'd rather have a lifetime of memories when I'm 65. Not disposable income.
To be life is about all the stuff that happens in between. The Bar-B-Q's and Halloween parties and softball games and New Years. Life loses it's luster and excitement when you look at it like it's 75+ years. It's 39 000 000 Moments. The only determining factor is your own potential for happiness, and how you choose to remember all those moments.

This change on outlook has really helped me to keep things in prospective. This was a massive positive change that adds to my happiness and mental health.

Another exciting thing that has happened is that Friends of mine got engaged last weekend. and She asked me to be her maid of honor. I'm kind of a control freak, I really enjoy planning and organizing and designing and being very hands on in endeavors. This will be a challenge for me to not take over. But I'm very excited to do all the M.O.H. duties. I just don't really know what they are yet.

Artistic Process

I thought I missed acting.
So I decided to audition for a play. I got the part I wanted. Nothing too serious. not too much pressure. but still quite challenging for me personally.
I love the play. I love my part, but rehearsal becomes tedious at the end of the week. Actors are often very insecure people. They need a lot of praise and attention and take "creative feedback" in weird and unpredictable ways. It's unbelievably tedious to be in a room full of people so much like myself.
In a lot of ways I'm freaking awesome. But I have a lot of flaws that I don't realize, until they irritate me about somebody else. I feel as though this probably makes me an awful person but I am who I am and I can't change that. Being in a room with with a few different things you hate about yourself for 3 hours at a time is daunting. Being the target of obnoxious, ignorant ego makes it kind of worse.

I still like the play a lot. and it's nice to see some friends that I used to work with when I was involved with a lot of this stuff. But after working a long day on my feet, making few tips on $13 Breakfasts Specials*, I don't want to go to a room where I know there will be an insecure, obnoxious, attention-starved, really, really sad person. It's not an environment I would choose to be in, if not for the obligation. But I can't stop acting because of the people in that whole social deal. It's just such a shame that it's such a small scene in our city that the same people will always be around.

I feel as though I was going somewhere with all of this. Or maybe I just had to vent the frustration of a good day that got better then ending in a crappy way. It's disappointing really.

Also, non of them are fans of Seinfeld. They don't get a single hilariously well times Seinfeld reference that I make. I don't have any other really strong ways of communicating with people. So my hands are a little tied here. How can I exist in their world? Being an actor for me is like when the paralyzed soldier in Avatar, gets in the tube to be a blue thing and have a different life. Probably more like an Animorph actually. Where if I stay as an actor for too long I have to stay that way. Also if you don't know what the Animorph's are you have a lot of reading to do.

* This is not to say that I have an issue with the tippers, or the breakfast crowd. Some of my favorite regulars are brunch on Saturday and Sunday. It's just not as expensive as other meals. Most people tip on a percentage of 10%-20% of their bill. So obviously if the bill is less the tip is less.

Bookmark Added.

I just came upon what I think is a fascinating discovery. In very broad terms, this is what happens in every single fight I've ever had with the opposite sex.

I'm pissed off. and even though I'm an intelligent human being who is fully aware that I'm being insecure and am probably blatantly wrong, I don't want the blame right away.
At the moment, that I am mad, I want to feel like it is not my fault. and that everyone sucks except me. It doesn't matter what the issue is. Shut up, I know that was a yield sign. I already feel stupid. I know my friend will be my friend again in an hour. Right now it will make me feel better to hear someone else confirming that She's wrong and I'm right.

I think I realized that we don't need you to fix it. You want to fix it because in your boy brain, that seems to be the best thing to do. As far as instincts go, I personally think it's endearing to want to save or or fix something. But, in reality, when you do try to fix it, it makes us feel like we can't do it ourselves and some of us don't like that, so we get defensive, but you can't figure out why because you're just trying to help.
In our own languages, we both know whats wrong, we just have different ways of helping each other.

Now if only I understood men, this whole puzzle will be a little easier...

Chris Rock know's what I'm talking about

The Authority On Everything

So I've been having a rough week. Working a lot in a very warm restaurant. I love the summer, especially in Newfoundland. If you've never been to St. John's, NL I strongly suggest you find a week to spend here. I'm so in love with where I live. All the culture and food and nature and history. It's an amazing place. The thing about depression though is how good or bad anything is going around you has absolutely no bearing on your mental health. You could have a seemingly perfect life and be completely unhappy with yourself, and the last thing anyone should ever do, is give their two cents on someone else's situation. 

Seriously.

I'm so sick of being told what is wrong with me, or what I need to do, or having my feelings downgraded by someone ignorant enough to assume its a competition and they have to win. I'm in serious danger of punching a know it all, mouth piece, directly in said mouth, the next time one tries to tell me all about what I'm going through. The worst part is these people are so oblivious to how ignorant they're being. they seem to feel perfectly justified in assuming they know anything about someone else.
My favorite part is when they are so obviously completely full of it. A friend of mine coined this kind of person as an "Authority on Everything" and I can't think of a better description. 

My favorite is when they tell a story and blatantly make up really specific details that no person would ever tell them. It's easy to pick up on habits and patterns like this, because this person is constantly telling foolish stories and anyone (not just people with OCD like myself) can pick up on the patterns.
It's funny how much someone's language and body language change when they are lying. To me this just says that even they know they are full of it, and they are so desperate to seem genuine that they try to add credibility. It's so painfully obvious. As a general rule, if you make shit up, most intelligent adults can tell and are probably mocking you for it behind your back, if not to your face. So knock it off.

That wasn't even the point of this post, but I had to vent. If you don't think you know anyone like this. You are probably one of these people, and you are irritating everyone who has to be around you. If you were secure enough with yourself and being who you are, you wouldn't be trying so hard to prove who you were to anyone else. So come to terms with the fact that you are not as smart as you think you are, because everyone around you already knows. trust me. Your constant correcting of people and complete lack of social graces are speaking for themselves every time you insist on overpowering every conversation anyone tries to have with you.
That really turned into me being a mean girl. I don't like that. But I know a couple people who I hope read this and realize. but they probably wont.

Social Calls

I can't decide if I'm behind in the times or if our society has yet to develop social expectations for new behavior. I was out with a number of friends a few nights ago. (8-10 people I would estimate) and I found it very difficult to carry out a conversation. Most people talking were limited to jokes and one liners about something on the television, or commenting on others statements. Nobody was asking anyone else questions, or making any effort to converse with each other. I'm awkward enough on my own, so I often rely on asking questions to get other people talking, while I obsess about what to say, without looking weird or silly. Social Anxiety is a real treat, let me tell you.

On this particular occasion, I noticed a great deal of something that I find to be very offensive. Everyone there was on their cellphone.
A couple people were actually taking part in the same conversation on Facebook with other people. and commenting to one another about THAT conversation, and not even talking to anyone who made an effort to be the in the same room as them.

Several people spent the entire gathering texting, to make plans with other people and actually left to go spend time with THAT person, and other people were checking Facebook, Twitter, or looking at photos. Things I do to occupy myself while bored in the doctors office or when commercials interrupt a favored television show.

Am I the only one who finds this unbelievably offensive? I would have been perfectly content to stay at home and play Skyrim all evening. It was a gathering for a Pay Per View UFC event, which I have little interest in, but I went to socialize with my friends which we rarely get to do anymore. I found myself feeling very hurt that most people there would rather be having conversations with other people who DIDN'T even make he effort to spend that time with them. I even volunteered to be the designated driver, even though I had beverages sitting in the fridge, from the night before, and drove two other people there.
I found myself sitting alone, watching a barbaric sport that I have little interest in, making comments and trying to be observant, and start a conversation, to no avail.
"the little guy really seems to have the technical advantage there"
nothing. Asking questions about sponsorship and what an MMA Fighter makes were also met with dead air more often than not.
I talked more with strangers that I wasn't even introduced to, and introduced myself. They at least asked questions and seemed to want to make small talk with me.. I would have thought that kind of appalling social etiquette would be considered taboo.
More often than not, I can look around a social group I thought I was a part of, to see everyone on their cellphones. For a long time everyone with an iPhone played games together on their phones, while sitting in the same room. I have a Blackberry and don't play games on my phone, ESPECIALLY when I'm in a room and attempting to spend time with other people. I cannot comprehend any way that this kind of thing is not thought to be rude, or disrespectful.
A friend told me that I should have left and gone to do something that was fun for me, although I know this would still have resulted in judgement upon ME, and a complete lack of consideration of their own behavior. I even went so far as to say
"Guys, there are people in this room, who made the effort to spend time with you"
multiple times, and was completely ignored. Is this just another aspect of our technological society for me to be bitter about, or poor manners?
I was told about a party where the host placed a basket by her front door for people to put their cellphones in when they enter her home. I know full well that anyone who walks into my house will ignore that, even though I would love to give it a try in the future.
I want as many opinions as possible on this. I need to understand it, even if it is me that needs to get over it and accept that this is how our society works now. What do you think?

job hunt revival

So after a couple of weeks of working 4 hour shifts and wasting a lot of my time. The health food store tells me that I'm not a good fit and they wont be asking me to work any more shifts. I'm a lovely person though. Lovely enough to pay me little to nothing and waste my time, while bills pile up and debts increase. I guess the lesson I should be learning from this is "people who treat others that way with such little regard on not people I want to work for. She also emailed me at 6pm on a Sunday. Professional I know. Not even enough regard to have a phone call about it. I know I should be happy that they made their treatment of people clear before I was committed to that place, and they probably did me a favor. but right now I'm just upset and being a girl about it for a day. I'm at a total loss for what I did wrong. I loved it there. I loved helping customers and my favorite thing to do to pass the time was to put away all the stock so my pregnant boss didn't have to. I still have no idea what I did wrong. I was 20 minutes early most days. parked in the parking lot waiting for the owner to get there. One day I was late because Bagel Cafe tool a long time to bring us our food/bill. and I called her right away and apologized profusely and it was the only time I've ever been anything other than early.

Now the job hunt continues. The bills aren't going anywhere. I really loved my last bar tending job. but a difficult manager made it a less than good situation. I wish I could go back there. the staff there were my friends and I liked them

Talking bout my generation

The generation just a few years ahead of mine was pushed into professional careers. They were inspired to excel and learn and become doctors, lawyers, and teachers. Because that is what our society needed at that time. Nurses and Therapists, professionals the rest of us could rely on and They met that need and then some. I have good friends in all of these professions that I'm so proud of and value greatly when I need their advice or services.
My generation is somehow caught in the middle of an economic shift.
When we were in junior/highschool we were told that you weren't going to get anywhere in life without a university degree. The world needed professionals, but nobody was taking into consideration how many they were producing. So we all skipped off to university getting our BAs and planning to be teachers and lawyers.

4 years later the same people that guided us toward university changed their tune. Now those same voices were saying
"why did you waste that time? you need a trade if your going to make anything of yourself. Here...Have ANOTHER loan from the government. We won't give you enough to live on, but we'll pay for the tuition and allow you to live a stress filled life where ends rarely meet and you'll get to lie awake at night worrying about your bills."

So while you're in trade school, you still have to work your shitty low level job to pay your bills. because your not 18 years old anymore and you don't live with your parents, and you don't get to start over. Our lot was to make the best of a bad situation, fall further into debt and have our credit ruined by promises and plans that were never meant to work out for us.

We're a generation lost in the middle. People younger than me, came out of high school, went right into the trades and make loot. We're the experimental generation. coming up through school my class was always the one who tested the "pilot programs"
Few of them were a success, most fell on their faces, leaving us no further ahead than we were before. I feel that being the test subject generation leaves us at a disadvantage in life. At least lab rats are still, at the end of the day, taken care of by the guessing idiots who test on them.

happy ending?

So this may be the last post in my job search. I applied at a natural health food store and was basically given the job on the spot. A lovely woman owns the place and found herself pregnant and unable to work the foolish amount of hours that she puts into her store. As a pale kid who is allergic to outside, and a lot of things inside, this store is right up my alley. It's in a great strip mall with a lot of other interesting and unique shops, as well as right next to a coffee shop and a restaurant my friends and I often frequent. Is this the reward for the stress of how my corperate headache ended? or some divine being guiding me to somewhere I will be truly happy? Who knows. But in the fall Denise is going to have a beautiful baby, and no time to work at the store, and I hope to fall into place as her replacement, and make her proud by adding to the value of her store and her client base.

I really have to say this store has everything. Along with acupuncture (a friend of mine swears by this, so im trying out her girl) I am looking at treating my anxiety naturally, and getting off of all medication except my claritin (again, about the allergies). They have great animal products that they cannot keep on the shelves, as well as cooking and food items. Lots of natural shampoos and cleansers and vitamin and health suppliments for just about every ailment. I already learned that Black Cherry is really good for gout! and I was only there for an hour. After my official interview, I ended up staying there to chat with Denise. She's a lovely, warm, easy going woman. Very comforting to be around. Adorably pregnant. This is the polar opposite of the experience I had while working for a big aggressive sales company, and I absolutely love it. I'm not sad that I took that chance. I got a provincial certification that I will always have. I can always go back to doing that if I want to. But at this point in my life I really really don't want to. The future is looking a lot more optimistic. My ear infection is (very) slowly going away and I can almost hear out of my left ear again. So that's exciting, and I get to go watch softball tonight! everything is coming up Millhouse!

Get some coffee. This one goes on awhile...

Over the course of the last few days I've realized a lot of things. Most of which was in large part to an article shared on my Facebook called "10 Things You Learn In Your 20's"
I do strongly recommend giving it a look if you are in your mid (to late :/) 20's. This article is a quick read, and holds a lot of truth, to be honest. Through reading this, I started comparing it to my life, and my current frustrations regarding my work/career. So I set out to talk to my friends, my partner, and my mother (The Holy Trinity of advice/calling me on my bullshit).

But I had a preconceived notion in my head that just working in the mall somewhere made me a loser. and granted, if I was beginning at entry level, minimum wage, working in the food court, at my age, Yes, I would have to agree that I'd have screwed the pouch on a lot of major life choices.

But I'm from the TGIF generation. Boy Meet's World, Family Matters, The Fresh Prince, The Simpsons* and later on Sabrina The Teenage Witch and Teen Angel, taught me about morals and values and respect, So I understand that my education is valuable and I have a lot of amazing job experience, and am more than qualified to begin in lower or middle management.

Reading about the 10 things I should have learned, Number 5 really spoke to my recent career stresses and doubts.

"5. People are pretentious about jobs."

and here is the twist! You didn't see this coming I bet.

I realized that nobody in my life was putting that pressure on me.
My mom just wanted me to be happy.
My boyfriend's only advice to me ever is to make sure that I was happy. It's amazing how much it improves your perspective, when you have someone in your life, who is completely devoted to your happiness together. It's a feeling that I will truly never forget. That is love in my opinion. That level of devotion for another human being. Wanting another human being to be happy that badly.

At the end of the day it was my own presumptions and judgments that I was thinking about. Not any of my loved ones. None of my friends would ever judge me for being happy at a job. that's why they're my friends and I love them more than anything. I don't have many close friends but I greatly value the few that I have.

I've decided to leave my high paying Insurance Sales Job, for something less aggressive I have several interviews for management positions for clothing stores and restaurants. Hindsight allows me to realize that I was happiest and really enjoyed going to work, when I was working with people, in the retail industry, so I'm going back to a retail position where I can advance and take pride in the work that I do, while I enjoy doing it. I think you need to measure the amount of money you need to be happy, against how much bullshit you are willing to take at a job. It's just a job. it doesn't define you. It just pays the bills, and the fact is you're going to spend most of your life there, so it may as well be something that you enjoy. I enjoy retail. So the job hunt continues! I'm going to blog the whole job hunt process I think.

Today I have an interview at 3pm for an assistant manager position. there are two openings. I look young, so it's difficult to appear mature, without looking like I'm playing dress up with my mom's clothes, but little things help.
Wearing your hair in a mature style
Wearing lipstick in a conservative shade, not lip gloss.
Go easy on the makeup. it's bad for your skin, and makes you look really insecure and superficial.
Wear comfortable shoes. If you aren't comfortable, you aren't relaxed and performing at the level your capable of (that one goes for all aspects of life, actually.)

insanity later

I believe that I've lost all passion in my life. I don't know what job I want to do, and every time I'm sure that I love a new job, i don't love it anymore when the shiny new finish wears off.
I've worked everywhere in this city.
Hotels, restaurants, bars, a comedy club, I did child and youth care work with abused children, and now an insurance company. I've played in a band, done stand up comedy, acted for the majority of my life. I'm at a loss for where to go next, and I'm worried that I will never be content anywhere for much longer than a few months.
There must be something that remains satisfying for longer than a year. I crave routine and schedule. I'm not someone who says "why make $1000 when you can make $2000" as long as my bills are paid and I'm saving a little, I don't need to make all that much money. I have coworkers who just want to work all the time and make all of the money they can. I don't get that. I don't need that much money to get ahead. and technically you are taking it from someone else when you sell something. So I guess I view it as an issue of greed. I have no idea. I wish I could gain some insight into this issue. But I'm not even sure where to start anymore.
I'm realizing lately that tasks are seemingly becoming too daunting for me to start. I get overwhelmed easily, lay awake worrying about the future. I'm not in a stressful situation. I have an amazing new house, purchased by my amazing boyfriend, a brand new car, and a job that allows me a lot of freedom. So why am i so unhappy/stressed out all the time? uggg maybe months from now hindsight will cause me to reread this and understand this a little better.

Photo Share

I just found this on my Facebook and wanted to share it. What a beautiful human being. So few left these days.

Ask.fm: Paul McCartney said: "If slaughterhouses had glass walls, everyone would be a vegetarian." What do you think about it?

I think Paul McCartney is an uninformed jackass. I thought he made that clear a few year ago when he showed up in the wrong province to boycott the seal hunt in Newfoundland, with completely wrong information. Oh you didn't hear about that? Check it out.


Danny Williams debates the Seal Hunt with Sir Paul, and Heather Mills McCartney on CNN

Ask.fm: How often do you buy things via the Internet?

Far too often. I'm window shopping via Glamour Kills right now, picking out new outfits for Spring

Dirty Little Secrets

So I have a confession to make. I have to admit this is very difficult for me to share, but here goes. I love romance and gestures of affection. I don't like that I do. I'm relatively feeling-less otherwise. I often fear that on some level I'm a psychopath because I honestly have very little emotional attachment to 90% of the people around me. But when it comes to the people I do care about, I cannot do enough to show them how I feel.
 I talk to my family (mom, dad and brothers) at least 3 times a week. Unfortunately I live in a different city from all of them so It's really hard to see them more often than I do.
I also constantly try to go over and above to show boyfriends/partners what they mean to me. gifts, dates, cooking meals, back rubs, voicing my own feelings so they know what they mean to me.
Despite being mostly stone faced  I fall very hard for people. I can usually tell in the first couple of months, If I love someone, or if I'm wasting their/my time. I guess that is part of coldness that I can appreciate. I can cut ties and be over it, fairly quickly when it becomes apparent to me that, that is, in fact, the best option.
I cry a lot. like a lot. I think that it's because I keep all my feelings hidden from the general population. I don't trust most people. So because I only share my feelings/emotions with a few select people that I do trust, they all come flooding out and it's hard to control. Like flood gates I suppose. Or trying to close a fire door, to escape when like 15 Zombies are pushing on the other side and have their stupid zombie arms are all jammed in the slightly open door. stressful to say the least.
But there is nothing that makes me happier than gestures of affection. Physical contact, words spoken, cards and simple gifts that don't cost money. Something real that I can see.
I think maybe my trust issues go deeper than I realize.
Maybe I don't even trust myself, or I just can't trust believing. I have to see it, and hear it proven, to know its not going anywhere.  Which is kind of funny because I'm one of the few people I know in my age group that still hold a strong connection to my christian faith, and God. I just can't believe in people I suppose, but that shouldn't be very surprising for anyone. Humanity becomes less deserving of our faith and trust, every single day we're on the planet.
That was a bit of a rant. I had a very humbling meeting at my office today and it's causing me to reflect a lot. Now that the pity party is over, I will get back to work and stop feeling bad about myself.
Everyone needs to vent sometimes after all. If you ever need to vent, feel free to do it here. On your left. That little Ask.fm box?
<----right there!
you can tell me anything. Ask me any question you want or share any story that you think will help someone else. While I do stand by my statement that I don't have any feelings, I do have a great deal of concern for the moral fiber of our society these days, For teen girls, and everyone who has the unfortunate task of going against the grain and standing out. People who should be supported, and taught and loved. Not shunned for their individualism. Again, my personal baggage comes out here ha ha thank god growing up in a shithole with terrible people systematically killed all the feelings I had. What a mess I would be now. ha ha

Make Love and Cookies. Not War and Segregation.

<3 april

knock it off!

I have a problem with people who tell their kids or other kids that they have it easy. You have no idea what that child is going through. You're an adult, and they have to trust you.
By fantasizing a childhood full of hopscotch and chalk drawings in the middle of the street, you're telling that child that they are not strong enough. That what they have going on doesn't matter. You devalue them.  And when their self worth is decreased, the bar they set for themselves is lowered.
They aren't stupid.
Treat them like they are people. People that need your protection and support to grow up healthy and secure, and they just might surprise you. I'm not saying you should let them do what they want. Kids need boundaries and rules. But they need to feel good too. Violent Games and Adult television shows are not for kids. It's your job to protect them from those things. You're their parent, not their friend. Kids will be exposed to a million things that are far too mature for them to process or experience properly. Don't add to that pile of potential reasons your kid gets screwed up.

Drug of Choice

So I have this new job. and I really love it.
I guess the issue I'm struggling with, is that I know I could be working nonstop, and making a lot of money. But I'm not interested in doing that right now. I'm interested in making ends meet and being able to live a little more comfortably, while saving up for a down payment on a home.
If I make enough sales in a week, I get a bonus. and more consistently you "bonus" you go from 5% of your alp sales, to 10% to 15% which is the maximum bonus. You then get 15%for every week that you continue to bonus. The equivalent to 2 decent sales is what you need to bonus. this is not difficult to do.
I guess I just feel that if I'm making my bonus, then I'm meeting the production goals they expect of me. If they are rewarding me for my sales and I'm making very good money, I'm lead to believe they are happy with my performance.
I love that this job allows me to be at home, and writing on my blog at 11 am on a Friday  enjoying a coffee and doing some light paperwork (also par for the course with an independent sales job.)
So if this is where I want to be right now, why do I have to leave it so quickly? I've been working 2 or more jobs for the last 5 years. We always tell kids to enjoy it while they're young because being an adult is no fun. So if I'm happy where I am right now, what is wrong with that? Why can't I just enjoy a little vacation in my busy life? isn't that the guilt we always put on kids? Enjoy your childhood and stop trying to advance! Slow down and appreciate the things you have. Why are you in such a hurry to grow up?!
If I'm currently comfortable and happy why do I want to kill myself working nonstop? that's not a life. That is planning for your kids to have a comfortable life.

"Not that there is anything wrong with that!" 

To each their own and if your happy, I will always be happy for you. But I don't want to have children. Life is too short to live it for other people, in my humble opinion. So that isn't exactly something that is a priority for me to plan for. So is it a crime to take the easy road for a little while? it will still take me to the same place. and this way I'm really enjoying the ride :)

Deciding where to build your own ceiling

I realized recently that I want to build and design my own home. really really badly. In an earlier post I talked about wanting money and security and all of those things, and I think what really happened is that I grew up a little bit recently. I've gotten better at loving myself, and thus I decided on goals that will give me the level of comfort in my life that I deserve. At some point, that I simply cannot put my finger on, I matured, and wanted to be an adult. I stopped being scared that I was missing everything. I wanted the world for myself, and felt motivation to improve my life for nothing other than my own happiness. The hardest step you will ever have to take in any endeavor is the first one. Nothing will ever be more difficult than that. So at some point we all just have to (wo)man up and view the world (as well as ourselves), through the more life experienced adults we all become. There is no point in being upset about getting older. We all do. Want to stay looking young. Smoking and Stress are the two most common causes of aged skin. So relax. Respect everyone. Especially yourself. Be healthy and decide which path you want to be on, then just live and let live. It's the easiest way to stay young forever.

Also Ask me anything at HundredThousandMistakes and Like hindsight. on Facebook

Jersey Bore

Entertainment has become too foolish, for me to not write about it.
Maybe it can be attributed to our love of pushing boundaries and progressing, on some level, but we lost the wheels on that excuse 20 years ago.
I am sure someone wants to quote some stupid newspaper about Elvis being risque, and how we progress as a species, but we've allowed shows like Jersey Shore and Honey Boo Boo to get on television and experience wild success. That's not progress, and we should be ashamed of ourselves. This is the only post that makes me want to curse. Thinking about this gets me all "fired up" as a dbag on Big Brother Canada would say

I don't get what his problem is. Settle down Alberta. guys like you always leave BB half way through. They run out of steam and blow up on some mom/sensitive person. Fucks their whole game. So chill. it's not about ratings, Alberta.

This has to be said (and shared hint!hint!)

Jersey Shore
If you actually enjoy this show, you may have brain damage. If you relate to the characters, or the situations, or anything that anyone says on this "program", you may qualify as mentally retarded. Whats worse is people who enjoyed watching those poor, useless puppets, in a way that they think is ironic and clever.
Newsflash ya douche bag.
If you weren't threatened by people in your life, you wouldn't be so insecure to need to compare yourself to anyone else. You're dumber and worse off that the morons that enjoy the program. Because if you were as smart as you believe you are, you wouldn't have any need to look down your nose at anyone. So (Wo)man up and make the improvements that you need to be happy in your own life, you're not better than anyone and that attitude make you a loser.